A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'd really appreciate some advice regarding my marital situation. I've been married for 19 years and we have one daughter who is about to turn 17 this year. My husband and I have had quite a lot of heated arguments over the years but we loved each other too. Now I am at a crisis point because I have met another man. I've had a few affairs over the years, usually when my husband has put me down and undermined me saying stuff like I am stupid, lazy (because I only work part time) and a crap mother. He is angry with me because I keep my money for myself and he pays for everything which I think is fair because he earns double what I earn. I am a part time nurse and he is a police constable. I earn about £20k per year and he earns about £45k per year because he has length of service in. I feel he drove me to have affairs. We agreed to stay together until our daughter is 18 but now I've met this new guy and I'm really into him. My husband sleeps in another room and we have sex sometimes but he is still rude and very moody whereas my new boyfriend is warm and loving and doesn't shout at me.I am not sure what to do. Shall I tell my husband about my boyfriend and apply for divorce now, or wait until our daughter is 18, as agreed? Thanks for reading my post.
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male
reader, ReturningtheFavor  +, writes (30 January 2010):
Ummmm, he should boot you out honestly, you are a habitual cheater, and you contribute nothing to the bills, definitely take a look at yourself and wonder why you deserve to even breathe the same air he does. Life isnt free, pay some damn bills, you betrayed your family multiple times and your a poor excuse for what a wife and mother should be. Even if he drove you away, an affair is not an option, you should have tried to work it out and then get a divorce if it wasnt working. Affairs are not an option its 100% your fault not his. Just know that the emotional damage that you did to your husband and family will never go away. you effed up his ability to have a relationship and be happy. he may never recover. consider yourself lucky that he is such a wonderful person that he is considering his childs feelings in this by keeping you around,obviously you care about no one but yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): i am sure i will get the full wrath of the aunts here, but i am not convinced of this man being as terrible as you claim. i think you have contributed to much of your marital woes and you are not as innocent as you claim. so my advice to you is this: stop being a scheming user, using and abusing your hb's finaces and his resources. you have stolen so much form him already and you need to stop. as for your affair, the sooner your hb kicks you to the curb the better. i don't think he needs to still foot the bill for your affair, do you. i wonder how much of abuse he has received from you already. do yourself a favour and just move on from your hb. you have used his enough already and you will connivingly use him to further your gains. let your lover be saddled with you. i think your hb deserves a break from his "loving" wife, don't you. you have been one of the most selfish wives i have read about recently. its all about me. where is your self respect and your honour? your hb did not drive you into the arms of your lover. you CHOOSE to have an affair. simple. be honest about yourself and stop bashing your hb. a case of the kettle calling the pot black????????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Well at least you didn't blame your husband for Global Warming... thou it is his fault, you look haggard, are overweight, unhappy, only work part time, spent most of 19 years of marriage cheating on him, and lord knows what else..
Personal responsibility for choices one makes is a tough lesson to learn, some never do.
but he did pay 95% of the home morgage and expenses.
You chose to life your life this way for 19 years, Why? only you know the excuse for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Hi All, thanks for your advice & thanks countrywoman for taking the time to write such a long answer. To the anonymous male reader my husband has actually insulted and undermined me really badly and once during a tussle in the house, he hit me so hard he broke my nose (he said it was an accident whilst he was swiping at me when we were tussling). He has insulted my physical appearance saying I have 'big saggy boobs' and he has said I look haggard, called me a bitch and really hurt my feelings so much so that one day I cried the whole time I was at work and it was awful. He says I am thick and lazy and he doesn't fancy me any more. It is true that I do look haggard now because after years of being with him and his moods and anger and insults, my face has really aged and I know I look bitter when I look at pictures of myself. Sometimes he spends hours on the computer and hours re-reading the same old books. He fell out with his family years ago and just keeps in touch with his mother on birthdays etc .. Our daughter finds him difficult but feels stable with him as he throws money at her a lot! She is a nice girl but she gets worried that if he leaves there will be no money. We both own the house, well it is in both our names but he paid for it all really, well 90% of it. He has paid about 95% of the mortgage off and really resents having to sell up and only get half and then get another mortgage for himself. He also does not want me to get any of his pension and he just calls me a bitch all the time and he sneers at my work and undermines me and puts me down at every opportunity. I thought this might be helpful to give some more information with the whole honest truth of the situation.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 January 2010):
 Hmmm personally I wonder why this relationship has been going on for so long considering neither one of you have been happy for years and I know that you say it has been for the sake of your daughter but as children get older they are far from stupid and to stay in a loveless marriage doesn't make much sense to me.
Anyway, as far as that side of things is concerned, the damage has already been done and in all honesty this has not been a marriage of equal levels at all. Regardless of who earnt what, there should have been maybe a joint account set up some years ago for all household things i.e. bills/holidays/and mortgage etc. I am not saying there should have been a huge input from you but it seems as though you have been leading separate lives for so long and I think there has been such a huge amount of resentment towards each other and obviously no respect for each other either.
The fact that you blame your husband for all of your affairs, is one way of looking at things but in all honesty there could have been another way to look at it i.e. perhaps couple counselling instead of the affairs and also addressing the terrible name calling from him and the dreadful put downs which blow someone's confidence all the time.
I am 99% certain that your daughter has also known for some years that her parents are living under the same roof out of convenience rather than love as most loving couples don't have separate bedrooms and people can pick up on atmosphere within a home.
Just because your daughter is going to be 18 does not mean that she is going to be able to cope 100 times better with everything that is going on in a year's time rather than right now.
The suffering has gone on long enough and just because you made some sort of pact with your husband that you would stick together through thick and thin seems to be a cop out (no pun intended btw).
You are both educated and professional individuals but you are both living a lie.
Just because your bf seems to be a knight in shining armour right now, does not mean that he would be like that if you get a divorce. He could run a mile once he knows you are available. If you have told him you will stay with your husband until your daughter is 18 maybe he is banking on that.
I personally think you need to get some sort of perspective on this situation and it would be much better if you work out how you could survive and stand on your own two feet without your husband's money and fending for yourself.
Your husband knows that once your daughter turns 18 he has no legal obligation to pay you any maintenance if your daughter decided to live with you. If however, she is in full time education and continues to live with you then he will be legally obliged to pay maintenance until she ends her further education.
On the other hand if she decides to live with good old dad, that aspect does not apply.
If she goes to live away from home then she will be looking to both of you to help her out I am sure.
Maybe you need to think long and hard about what entitlements you could be entitled to living alone i.e. any benefits you could be eligible for and also where you might live.
If you divorce now or in a year's time I am assuming the marital home would be divided between the two of you depending on who has paid for the mortgage, again that is an aspect to consider - I know normally the wife is entitled to 50% but maybe he has already looked into that aspect if it is only his name on the paperwork when the mortgage was obtained.
What has your bf promised you right now?
What is your relationship like with your daughter? Does she have any idea about your extra marital affairs? Has anyone told her at all?
Maybe considering seeking some legal advice as well as possibly going through some sort of mediation or Relate counselling or couple counselling could give you a clearer picture that everything has been tried before you pull the plug on this.
Don't prolong the agony but make sure you are safeguarded when it comes to your future and ultimately how your daughter will cope as well. The last thing you want is for your husband to put the knife in and sour the relationship you have with your daughter so be a little bit like a girl guide and be prepared, so do some homework on your rights then think about a plan of action. Don't act with your heart right now, think with your head for once.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Saraleighanne +, writes (8 January 2010):
 look what difference will it make if ur daughter is 17 or 18 she still isnt going to like the fact u and her dad are breaking up. If you really want to be with this other man more than anything then tell ur husband but i wouldnt agree when u say ur husband made u do it. it was ur choice so dont blame it all on him you had the choice to do it or not to and u choose to. im not saying he isnt to blame for a little bit of it but hes not not blame for everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): I don't have children but I have have had affairs in response to a very poor and at times emotionally abusive marriage. I can only pass on what I have learnt. Your affairs are simply 'props' keeping you upright and actually keep your marriage going ironically. Take your lover away and you would be able to see your marriage more clearly. My advice to you is to put you lover on the backburner and decide what to do, once and for all, about your marriage. I think you are patronising your child/teenager by waiting for them to 'come of age'. If you believe in yourself you will be able to live alone, perhaps with your daughter also? With or without the other guy in yourself you are a woman who needs to respect her own value and sense of self.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): He drove you to have affairs? You earn one third of the family income and pay for none of the families expenses??? What century are you living in?? You want all the rights but none of the responsibilities. You are the essence of what every man considers to be a lousy wife!
Tell him now so he can divorce you and get on with what will be a much better life.
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