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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically, I haven't known my housemate for a long time. Only about 3 months and he and his girlfriend have been together for about 7 months. This guy is a wonderful, decent and honest who absolutely adores her.Last night, I discovered from a mutual friend that his girlfriend went home with another man two weeks ago whilst going out. She claims they just kissed and she slept on the floor - however the guy has told everyone that they had sex. The night it happened she lied to her bf and said she was with a girl friend all night, and then went home from university claiming to be ill for one week. She didn't contact him within this time.Now all of his friends know, all of her friends know and now all my house knows. I am a firm believer that you should do to others that you would want to be done to you, and therefore I would want to know if my other half went home with someone else. Especially if all of my friends know and are discussing it behind my back.However I understand that it is a difficult situation as I live with him and he is my friend. I am not sure how he would react to this information.So I have two questions to ask concerning this matter.1) Should I tell him? Reasons for your answer to this one would be appreciated.2) If I should tell him, how? Do I let him know that others know?Thank you for reading and hopefully giving advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Your heart is in the right place, OP. but he has enough info to act on this already and he hasn't, he's made that decision, let him deal with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP again.I think i'm just going to keep my mouth shut at least until the end of Jan as we all have exams. Hopefully by then he'd have found out from someone else. Thank you for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): OP he knows what happened then. I mean in the very least he knows his girlfriend kissed another guy, I mean come on, is he really that stupid?
Would you not suspect for one moment that your long term girlfriend did more than kiss when she stayed the night alone with another dude? OP What kind of asshole dude would let a girl sleep on his floor if it was just the two of them?
He knows, he's just chosen to ignore the situation.
If you found out your girl had gone off to be alone and spent the night with another man kissing him, would you just brush it off? Would you not suspect for a moment that more happened?
OP real life isn't like the movies, this sense of truth and justice you have is not reality. It's a nice idea but the guy knows what happened. He has other friend who probably told him, maybe even she's privately told him and he's just forgiven her already.
The fact that you'd want to know doesn't mean everyone else would OP, it's not fair of you to place your values on others. He's chosen to ignore this OP, I mean come on his girlfriend went off and got off with another guy, he knows this. That's already not acceptable, there is no chance in hell he wouldn't suspect more either but he's chosen ignorance as his response.
You're better off not getting involved. I mean what does your girlfriend have to say about this, what have your friends or family said? They've probably said the same things as us otherwise you wouldn't be here looking for validation of your campaign for truth and justice.
OP if there's one thing I've learned it's that it's best to stay out of other people's relationships, it only leads to trouble. Love is a very powerful thing, people have killed for it it's such a strong emotion, the bond of friendship usually can't compete and frankly rocking the boat with a guy you have to live with when this all could turn sour, when he already knows something happened and has chosen to ignore it is not the best course of action. OP There are times in life when you have to put what's best for you over what you deem is right. Plus this is none of your business. You really have to consider that this guy doesn't want to know the full details, in which case you may end up forcing him to face a situation he really doesn't want to, Merry Fucking Xmas to you buddy! It most likely wouldn't be a nice thing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I agree with Cindy Cares that you are the least qualified to say anything since you know nothing about it.
Your concern is sweet though and I hope people who are closer to him who KNOW MORE CONCRETE things will advise.
From what you say, the relationship is on the rocks anyway. He might well ask you or somebody else for advice about his relationship and that will be the only justifiable way for you to share the rumours you've heard with him.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 You know OP, if I were you I'd change circle of friends. It's weird, there are so many important , exciting, interesting things going on in the world, and young people nowadays can be instantly connected to anything that's going on... they've got the freedom, the time, the economical powers to put their attention on anything they want in a way it was unthinkable just few decades ago... and all this people seem to care is who has been sleeping with whom where ?!
Where do you live, OP, in Miss Marple's village ? Do you all go to the vicarage and have tea and scones, while you figure out if the chemist's wife actually smiled at the butcher during Sunday noon service ?
Thanks for the added details, OP, but I'd still stay out of this. You may have bounded with the guy , but you still met him 3 months ago, not necessarily he would be elated to know that a 3 months acquaintance has taken into her hands to be his paladin, even if with well meaning intention.
As for the right to know, mayhe he has it, - but not from you, from his gf, as you say yourself. She might want to come clean , for all you know, only she is going to choose the time and way , not you. And what if she is a coward and never comes clean ? then she will probably be outed by someone else of your common aquaintances, let it be one of them to take the responsibility of altering the dynamics of this couple. At least, some of them seem to have been present on the crime scene, or anyway have gathered more first hand info than you do, all you've got is just " he said she said ". Of all the bunch you sound as one of the least qualified to expose the " truth " , so I think you should keep your distance and let your housemate and his gf deal with their issues by themselves.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 December 2013):
No you should not say anything. Because you don't actually KNOW anything for sure, all you've got is hearsay and second hand gossip. Plus , the girl says nothing much happened and the guy says they slept together, you weren't there and you don't know either well, so you really have no idea which one is the real, or most believable version. In fact, you haven't talked to the girl, so you don't even know if she actually admits having gone home with a guy and kissed him.. or if other people are embroidering the story.
Perhaps if , rather than just a housemate, this guy had been your brother, or dearest friend, you 'd be justified in alerting him to the rumours . But , being that he is just a recent aquaintance, should the s..t hit the fan, he surely is no position to tell you " Why, you should have told me your suspicions ! " So, it's best you let him deal with his love life on his own and you stay out of all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Thank you for all your answers, I really appreciate them. Bit more information for you as some asked for it.
What happened that night was that her friends and a few guys went back to her house, and then she decided to walk him home, stayed the night and left town the following morning due to illness.
My housemate is one of the gf's housemate's best friend (geesh that was complicated to write). And the gf admitted to the housemate that she kisses him, wouldn't say anymore about it and that she wasn't going to tell him as it would hurt him and make her look in a bad light. The guy she went home with is friends with some of her housemates (all girls) and he told them all that they had sex.
My housemate is a good friend of mine, we've bonded together quite nicely in our little house and he's become a main part of my social group. As has his girlfriend.
And as i'm currently in a long term relationship (been with my other half for 4 years now) I think that within a relationship everyone has a right to know if the other betrayed them. It is that she is determined to keep this large detail from the relationship and has decided this path for them. He may well sit back and forgive her, but doesn't he have a right to know the whole story.
We went to her birthday party the night I found out and she barely talked to him, barely looked at him and was all over other guys. And when I was waiting for the bathroom, EVERYONE in the queue was talking about what happened. But these are her friend's and will stick by what the gf wants. And then he stayed the entire night protecting her house from gate crashers, calling the police and cleaning up. He said himself that it was so much drama and if he wasn't with her he would have just left.
I just feel that he has the right to know that she may have cheated. However, I believe it should come from his gf not me. But if his gf is going to be a coward...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I disagree with talking about rumors or anything to do with this guy's relationship.
What people advising you are failing to remember. Couples work things out over cheating. No one knows the details and dynamics of their relationship better than they do.
While you know the rumors and crap floating around from enemies and haters outside their relationship. You are enlisting yourself into the people gossiping and invading their privacy.
What if they makeup and he forgives her? Then you're the awkward one who lives with the guy you told his girlfriend was cheating. She will have access to your home and "your" private life. She will owe you big time for trying to derail her relationship from the inside. Giving unfair advantage by getting to him first. What defense will you have?
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
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female
reader, kathrina.1003  +, writes (9 December 2013):
If you and your housemate aren't really close friends If you and your housemate aren't really close friends (you've known him for 3 months) and you weren't around when the cheating happened (you heard it from a mutual friend), I suggest you stay out of it. While it may feel like you'd be doing him a favor by telling him about his girlfriend's infidelity, it isn't a good idea to get involved.
If you feel, though, that you have a certain obligation to let him know, simply mention that you've been hearing rumors. Since all his friends know, he's likely to find out even if you don't say anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): If everyone knows then so does he, if he doesn't then he will eventually.
OP clarify what you mean when you say, she said she only kissed and slept on the floor. Does he know this part, who did she say that to? Has she admitted to him that she went off with another dude that night?
because I know you're young, but no girl ever goes back to a guys place alone kisses then falls asleep on the floor. Besides that in itself is cheating.
Personally I'd get your facts straight, I'd make sure you know who will back you up and whose names you can use. If these mutual friends don't want to be part of it then it's your word against hers and really without proof you're only going to be spreading rumours.
I mean she could say the other guy is lying, maybe she'll say she was date raped by him. Maybe he even did shag her when she'd passed out on the floor.
Who knows what this guy might do, to his girlfriend, you or the other guy. Who knows how others will react to you shooting your mouth off.
Too many variables, I'd stay out of it until you get something concrete. If he finds out and asks if you knew, you just say I heard that rumour, and I don't spread rumours. It's only been three months OP, you really are not in a position to interfere here. It's just a rumour, ignore it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Leave him an anonymous message somehow. Give as many details as you can without making it too clear who is telling him. Make sure to point out that everyone around him already knows about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): You don't know how his girlfriend will retaliate; if she found out you were among folks on the grapevine spreading gossip about her. True or otherwise. What proof do you have?
You are far more concerned than a roommate should be.
Do you know intimate details about his relationship? Why is this so important to you anyway?
You are telling what you heard, not what you saw with your own eyes. I'm very surprised so many people would suggest you stick your nose in your roommate's personal life. Some crazy people have ways of getting even; and you can never prove a thing. That's what friends are for. You want to be a part of the drama? Go right ahead. She knows where you live.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 December 2013):
 Also, if you tell him and she denies it, she'll likely accuse you of meddling, fancying him, trying to break them up, etc. You have to share a house with this guy for the next 6-9 months? I really would let someone else be the messenger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013): I would advice against saying anything to him because you personally are not sure of anything. What you say will be hearsay and it's not fair to compromise trust in someone's relationship if you are not sure.
I hate it when people cheat. I've stopped being friends with people who cheat on their partners in the past so I really believe in taking action.
But in this case where you don't know anything, but you've heard from someone else who didn't see much means there's nothing for you to tell.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 December 2013):
Honeypie is right, you're in a horrible position.
I think someone should definitely tell him - but I'm not sure it should be you. Ideally of course his girlfriend would say something, one way or another (she may have only kissed and slept on the floor but her week long disappearance makes me think otherwise). Since she's not forthcoming and since all his friends know, I think it would be better coming from one of his friends than you - you've only known him 3 months; you have the right intentions but this is not an obligation or responsibility for you.
I know that seems like passing the buck but why put yourself in the line of fire? It sounds like it's going to come out anyway. If nobody has told him in the next few weeks, then maybe you should tell him about the rumours.
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reader, jls022 +, writes (8 December 2013):
I think I would tell him that there are rumors going around and you felt he had a right to know about them, but that's as much as you should say as you don't really know what happened. Back when I was single, I met a guy on a night out. A group of us ended up back at his house for a party and by the end, me and this guy ended up alone in his livingroom. He was very drunk and fell asleep on the couch when I went to get a glass of water, so I let myself out, got a taxi home and that was that. Or so I thought. I found out a few weeks later that he had told all of his friends he'd 'scored' with me, when in fact we hadn't so much as kissed! I eventually got him to admit it when I asked him to tell me where my tattoo was and he couldn't, (it's on my ribs an inch or so below my left breast incase anyone is interested!) but if it weren't for that it would have been my word against his. So there's a possibility this guy is the same and is trying to brag about something that never happened.Yes if I were you I'd mention the rumors and leave it at that. There's a possibility that your housemate already knows and believes her side of the story anyway, so that way your conscience will be clear and you won't end up feeling awkward if she remains his girlfriend and they both think you were accusing her of cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013): Since everyone else around you knows, it's only a matter of time before someone closer, who is a friend, will tell him.You don't know him that well, so what you've heard is through the grapevine. That only makes you a gossip. Why should you get ahead of his friends? Maybe they have told him and he's in denial. If he is, that's between the two of them.People always claim they'd want to know. That depends on who it comes from, and why they feel you should know. Some people get a cheap thrill out of spreading gossip. Some people will blame you for spreading the gossip. It's all hearsay when it comes second-hand. True witnesses are more reliable. Let them tell him.If he does find out, and asks if you knew. You can confess and say you heard; but didn't feel you had a right to get too personally involved in his personal life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013): If there are rumours going round he may well have heard them already (but maybe not)If he's become a good friend to you over the months that you've known him I would approach him privately and ask him something along the lines of "Is everything okay with you and so-and-so?" and add that you were concerned that they may be having a hard time because of the rumours that are going round.That way you can exprss your concern for him and offer support without actually pointing a finger at his girlfriend or being a snitch.Stress that these are rumours that you have heard from other people and that you have no idea whether they are true or not (because you don't.)
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 Be careful, this may only be hearsay in which case you could set off a bomb. Make sure of the facts then proceed.
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female
reader, Babs1  +, writes (8 December 2013):
I completely agree with honeypie. Tell him youve heard these rumors, and also tell him you don't know what is true and what isn't. Like said above, because you dont know really. Your telling him will make a conversation between your friend and his gf happen, then he can decide what to believe.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I would tell him there are rumors going around about it. Because you REALLY don't know what happened, YOU weren't there the GF and the dude bragging about the sex where there, that's it.
If he is a good friend, then YES, I would tell him about the rumors. I would say :" Hey, *Bob* I hate to be the one telling you this, but there i a rumor going around about your GF and this dude and that night. I don't say this to hurt you, but I felt like NOT telling you would be wrong."
I would ALSO tell him, you have no clue if it's true or not, because quite frankly YOU don't. The guy she supposedly slept with could be a douche who wants to look like a real stud in the eyes of his peers.
I personally, would be pissed if my friend all heard these things and said nothing.
However, remember that people who are either in denial or trust their partner will be angry at you for bursting their bubble. So be ready for that too.
Not a pleasant situation to be in. :(
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