A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know how crazy this question may sound. Off course I should, right?Only, she’s unable to hear anything bad in general and especially right now. She’s been prolonging her sick leave for over a month (we live in a European country where that’s possible) due to her inability to cope (that’s the best way I can put it). We go to the same gym as her colleague from work. Since she’s been ill, the colleague kept asking me what’s wrong with her and, as my friend asked me to, I kept telling “some virus”. I don’t care how stupid I sound repeating this lame story, but I do know how lame it sounds. I understand that my friend doesn't want the people at work to know that she’s having “mental issues”. Now, the last time I went to the gym, the colleague was really worried and told me that she risks losing her job, because she’s “always ill” and keeps taking 2,3 sick days every single month. Apparently everybody at her firm knows that whenever there’s a lot of work she disappears. I told the colleague politely that I don’t want to be the messenger and that she should call her herself (which she’ll never do). But my dilemma rests.I’m not saying that my friend’s not really ill, but she got used to using what she calls her mental and emotional weakness as a get out of jail card. Whenever she needs to step up, she does something to herself and her family and friends do two things – get worried sick and gather around her and at the same time leave her be. She was never diagnosed as anything (bipolar, borderline…) by the shrinks that she saw/sees. But takes the meds they give her from time to time. She’s used to everyone helping her (financially, morally…). Well I've never been among those enabling her. I always told her what I thought of everything, including her state of mind. However, if I can’t help her I certainly do not wish to do her any harm.If I tell her I may provoke the opposite reaction – she may get scared and cry in her doctor’s office and get another week or two – which will make matters worse. If I don’t tell her, she may decide to prolong her leave nevertheless unaware of the seriousness of her position or she may walk directly into a trap at work.I thought about waiting until she makes the decision (to go back to work or not) and then tell her. Thanx!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Then you've done all you can do. This really is her problem. The colleague should not have said anything to you, but they did and you gave your friend the heads up. This shouldn't come as any surprise to her. Common sense tells us that employers don't want to pay for work not being done and colleagues don't want to get stuck doing someone else's work.
This is her problem to fix.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (4 March 2015):
ok from your update it sounds as though she should be on medication all the time, she currently cant cope without it at all but obviously there isnt anything you can do about that. You have done all you can do basically. Yes tell her what you plan to tell her, unfortunately after that she will have to figure it out for herself. Avoiding contact with work is the biggest mistake but this is probably made worse by her mental state. It cant be easy for you to watch this but this might be a lesson that your friend needs to learn
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2015):
 If you have already suggested to HER to CALL her co-workers, I'd leave it at that.
If she WANTS to later on blame you... LET her and then cut her off. She sounds exhausting to to try and stay friends with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers!I've already suggested that she should call her colleagues and then her manager and see what's going on. She said that "it’s too much", she can't even bring herself to check her emails.I'll find a way to tell her, explaining it's a rumor, I'll keep it brief and give her a few ideas how to get back in the saddle. And then it is really up to her.Btw, she takes meds for several months in a row, feels better, doctors advise she should stop and then after a while, when problems start to pile up, she does something to hurt herself, one way or another. She’s never learned how to cope. Meds her only get her so far…They can’t fire her for being ill per se, but there are some loopholes the employers use (and I’m not saying that they’re always wrong). They have to be able to protect themselves and I think that after this latest leave, she may become the exception to the rule. They can also make her life hell and not break any laws (I don’t condone that). Under that kind of pressure even healthy people usually cave in and resign. She could, off course, use the only defense she knows and go on a sick leave, but sooner or later doctors will make her go back to work or she will get fired. I’m not taking into account possible drastic measures she could use to make all this go away.The worst thing is that according to what she says, her job is not particularly stressful. She even has the liberty to organize her own working hours and work load. She doesn't have any visible reasons she could cite to her boss(es). I hope she’ll pull through, but I won’t carry the load for her. I've learned my lesson and that has nothing to do with her.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (3 March 2015):
it sounds as though your friend really is struggling with depression or a similar issue. The fact that she only takes her medication from time to time will not help this. She needs to take the antidepressants/tranquilisers consistently for a period of time (months, if not a year or more) before she will see long term improvement. I feel bad for her as it sounds like she genuinely cannot cope with life.
However this is not your issue of course, you were just dragged into this by the nosy co worker who seems to be annoyed at her rightly or wrongly. I think no nonsense aidan has got the best idea, talk to her about it. There is only so much you can do as her friend, but if at all possible please advise her about taking her meds all the time because taking them for short spells then going off them is going to mess her moods and motication about. You are a great friend for caring x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2015):
 NOT your circus NOT your monkeys. Say it with me. LEARN IT.... you have no control over anyone or anything but YOURSELF.
Your friend's mental health is as much an illness as any illness that has a physical cause. I am tired of mental health being viewed as an excuse.
However if she is just lazy and using MH as an excuse then she's on my bad person list too as people like that make those of us that truly suffer from debilitating mental illness have to defend and educate more than we should.
Basically you say to your friend's co-workers...
I do not want to hear it
If they ask about her you say
I'm not at liberty to discuss it. and smile.
if they continue to push you say "I do not wish to discuss it"
unless this co-worker is your friend's boss they are just fishing for stuff anyway.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 I don't know if I would even get involved in this.
After all, it's all hearsay, it may be just a rumour - or it may be wishful thinking from coworkers which are ( rightly ) annoyed to have always to pick up her slack.
COULD they even fire her for being sick ?.... I doubt it. Of course labor laws will be different in each European country, but in general... it's far from easy in Europe to sack an employee for poor attendance due to health reasons ! ( providing that she / he has a certificate from her doctor or NHS, as she will surely have ). Here for instance, they can pronounce you unfit for work ( and not always ! ) after 180 sick days in a year ; so, serious stuff. If she were home 2-3 days a month- with doctor certification , and respect of the hours she is supposed to be at home available for medical inspection -
good luck to her employers in trying yo get her fired, she would be reinstated in no time , and with compensation too if she sues.
What she could get sacked for, is something slightly different , let's call it " strategical absenteism ". Like, if they notice that you conveniently fall sick ALWAYS before or after a long weekend or a national holiday... or , after or before your paid vacations or personal days ...the assumption is that nobody can be so unlucky to always fall sick around Xmas , AND Easter And summer weekends etc.,- and if they are, well, they are too unlucky to work :).
But if it is one long period of time, or random isolated days ....
I am ONLY guessing , but I think that your friend ( unless she is dumb, beyond being mentally troubled ) is operating within the realm of her rights as a worker, as inconvenient as that may be for the management , or, to put less benignly, she probably knows well how to work the system.
I kmow that your post is not about her work ethics, or her illness, you just want to know how to protect her from possible bad consequences of her behaviour.
My guess is... that she knows how the land lies, and she is not risking THAT much - maybe her coworker was just desperately tryng to scare her into going back to work,lol !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2015):
I'm with Ciar.
I would also make CLEAR that you don't KNOW anything for a fact, it's a rumor.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (3 March 2015):
She is presumably being certificated as sick by a doctor. I don’t think you actually know anything much really, other than this colleague feels her position is increasingly under threat because of her extended absence, which sounds plausible enough, but no-one has said anything really concrete that they are taking action now to fire her. The colleague hasn’t told you anything I couldn’t have, or anyone else.
What I would do is advise her that eventually she’s going to need to talk to her employer and plan her return. Encourage her to think about how they could support her back in to work, whether it be phasing back in slowly, better enabling her to take breaks, getting an occupational health assessment, access to counsellors or whatever. She should be encouraged to contact her employers or be responsive when they contact her, and talk about what she’ll need to come back. They will obviously get jittery if they think this is going to drag on and on with no prospect of her coming back. Ultimately, if they attempt to go down the route of proving her unfit for the job in order to get rid of her, that won’t be pleasant. She’s also storing up a load of trouble for herself for the next job: a referee is likely to be asked what her sickness record is. If she can’t come up with a good reason for the sickness, or show any indication that she’s working to resolve her issues, her employer is going to take a dim view. A virus? Really? I can only assume that’s not what she’s told her bosses. Having been a manager myself in the past, I’d be ringing my HR department to find out how I might ultimately lose somebody like her. That’s harsh but it’s how it is. All you can do is advise her though and then stay out of it: it’s up to her to sort this.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 March 2015):
You're kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't. However not telling her gives her a chance to blame you if she's fired and later learns you were given a heads up. Nothing can ever be her fault.
In this case I would tell her, but keep that discussion brief. Just pass on what you were told.
Your friend might be attention seeking with all these 'illnesses' but it could also be her way of protecting herself from what she perceives are the high expectations of others. She may not be comfortable setting and enforcing realistic boundaries for herself and the only way she knows not to let folks down is to train them not to rely on her.
Again, I don't recommend you spend too much time justifying, explaining or analyzing this with her. Be matter of fact and brief about it.
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