A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im not sure anymore what to think of things. Im feeling very sad now about my relationship i am in and very confused.Ive been in a relationship now for 3 and a half years, he is quite a bit older than me, im 36 and he is 54. The realtionship has been a bit of a struggle because he doesnt tend to show his feelings much, but then i wonder if there arent any feelings there to show anyway. There seems to to a lot of jelousy in the circle of people that we hang around in also, because majority are the same age as him, and they are single, they all seem to say things to me thats not so nice about him, you know the sort of things to cause doubt in my mind, and he also says these people will say to him, are you sure you know what your doing with her, where is it really going to go. Anyway this seems to be ongoing all the time, if its not one person, its another. Anyway, something has really upset me this weekend, we were invited to a party anyway when i turned up at his, id noticed stuck to the present he had bought her, there were 2 birthday cards. I asked why 2, he said, one from me and you and one from me. I said, thats strange, why would you do that. He didnt really know what to say other than he sometimes thinks me and this other woman do not get on so thats whay he thought to send one from him also. Anyway that upset me at the start of the night. He took the other card away because he knew i was upset. When we arived at the party, one of his other friends started talking to me, this is another person that has said the odd thing here and there all throughout the relationship. I have recently bought my own house, and my partner is a painter and decorator, anyway he started the decotrating, and has never finished it, saying he doesnt have time etc, but i guess it must be because he cant be bothered, so i ended up paying to get someone in to finish it off. He obviously knew this but didnt really say much about it. Anyway this friend at the party said to me, its a sad story when you have to pay to get another decorator in to finish off your mans work he started, he said thats the kind of man you are going out with. I was just so upset, the card business then this, i mean why would my partner relay that back to someone else, as how could he be proud of this???!! not finsihing it off and me having to pay someone! I dont understand what any of it means. I think the card may be because he wants others to think that im not important to him, but why??? Oh yeah also i will add that this other woman, he has no other feelings for her in that way of wanting to get with her, i am sure on that one. He obviously doesnt care for me does he? I feel scared for the future now, and i wonder now all these other people saying things, could this be something that he has created! I just dont know why or what to think??? Im so upset! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): Yes I agree you are right with how we react with people will create the way in they respond to us. Very true. I didn’t mention previously, the people that do pass comments, they would not know that this upsets me as I would not let this show. Some that pass comments, i.e. the one about the decorating, I laughed and said, I know, what’s he like! Where as really im feeling upset and hurt, but he would not have known this. And yes some of the others, when i have responded and said, im very happy with how things are and i know what his like, it stops them in their tracks, yet if i was to say, really, why do you think that?? Well they would peruse even further, so I understand this, all of these people will think that I have a couldn’t care less attitude to a certain extent, because I always come across as a happy go luckily bubbly character, which most of the time I am. But he who I am with knows all these things upset me. But I also think now, that Imagine, he has told me that some people say to him, goodness how did you get her, and I think it’s probably because I am younger than him perhaps, so maybe this makes him feel a little insecure. I also know if people say anything to him about me, he would not defend it and probably agree, because I have analysis is, that he doesn’t want others to think that we are close, he wants to portray this imagine, and I don’t know why! Lots of people tell me all the time I’m too good for him, but this is for me to make that decision, I suppose it’s good for my confidence to hear these things, but not not on him, so I don’t really like hearing these comments. You know what; I hardly slept last night, thinking things over. The amount of times he upsets me.... He even says to me, I am the most laid back women that he has ever been with. Also I think in his mind, he creates the ending of the relationship from the start, and he will work to make the ending that way. It seems he tries to push me away. I.e., he made a comment saying, he always looses everything in the end anyway so he’s used to it and doesn’t get upset about losing someone anymore, this reply was in response to me telling him that I would be devistated and really upset if we ended. He never re assures me at all! I sometimes wonder if he tries to play games as well I’m not sure. For eg we spoke last, he’d managed to find someone who wanted to do some music reaurshal so he was happy with this and not fussed he wasn’t seeing me, i spoke to him before he left i told him i was feeling a bit down and fed up, and he said, i won’t be back late from my friends, so ill ring you when I’m back and we can have a chat, or if you want you can even come over! So I said, okay well don’t rush back on my account have a good evening and ring me when you get back and we’ll see then. No phone call still at 10.30pm, so I went to bed, I woke up at 1.30 am still not phone call then I felt stressed, and it baffles, he knew I was feeling a little low, the conversation we had earlier, why would he not return my call as he had said. All these people he sees he has had intermaces with in the past also, and he has told me pretty much all about his life because he knows I’m to be trusted, so he will know that my mind could start running over time thinking well, why has he not rang when he said he would, I must admit I don’t believe anything like that would go on again with say whose house he was round last night, but surely if he wanted to make me happy, then he would have rang me as he had said. Because I was upset at 1.30am I rang him he didn’t answer then about 3 minutes later he rang back and said that the phone call had woken him up. I asked why he hadn’t rang when he said he would, then he just gets on the defensive and says you knew you wasn’t going to see me anyway, so I came in and fell sleep I wasn’t even back late but I was doing something on the computer. He then also said, he feels that we both try and make up excuses not to see each other, then he says I know we love each other but why we do this I don’t know, then he says there seems to be an indifference between us when we are apart, yet when we are together everything is fine. I don’t know what he’s talking about, I don’t make excuses not to see him, he must me to say this, so then I think why does he bother, he doesn’t have to see me. Then he brought up in the public eye we are not exactly together, and he says he thinks that I am ashamed to be with him, and he says he doesn’t blame me, and says he doesn’t have much to offer anymore and all he can do is do the best and music is what he does best. Ps I am also a musician and a singer so we do share this and have this in common. But I must admit, his music comes first. I.e. say if he was going on a gig, and I was in labor with his baby, he’d continue and go on the gig. I remember once when I was really upset about something, he was going round to do some music rehearsal, not an important one just something to do for him, you had thought he’d have cancelled it to do something with me because he knew I was upset and had a bad day, but no, off he still went and this is him! Yet when he is down I am always there for him, it’s so disheartening, I put him before all my friends over these 3 years but it’s never the same in return. As long as he is busy and he has people asking him to do stuff, usually music only I will add! Then I am not important, I only am, when he’s nothing to do. Maybe all of this means that he just doesn’t have any feelings for me, and because of my perseverance is why he continues to see me.Regarding the controlling issue, I don’t have a major issue with it to be honest. I know what is right and what is not, and what is controlling and what isn’t, so therefore I wouldn’t let this spoil anything good. I suppose because this relationship gives me the freedom and no pressure it’s probably what I needed for this point in my life. But I want someone that cares, and in turn I know I would have to change my behavior also as you have mentioned previously. I have had some very unlucky relationships I must admit, but I’m not feeling sorry for myself as there is always someone worse off. After the last controlling one I had for the years, he was very manipulative as well, I met a lovely gut, not my cup of tea and who I would usually go for, but his personality won me over, he had all his morals and I felt safe. I was finally happy. 5 years down the line, he told me he had been suffering all his life with the feeling of wanting to be a woman, and this is what he felt he was, six months down the line afterwards I found out he had gender dysphoria, I was devistated! It was some months after I met the one who I am with now, he was good fun, without any demands, and that was good for me then, but 3 years on, I want to know he cares and loves me and will be there for me. All I do for him, why do I not get this from him, I don’t understand! I worry for my future now I really do…
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): I think if you've been in very controlling relationships it makes sense that you will go for someone like this. He is not an evil guy, he's just rather shallow and immature and insecure. And because you are slightly 'running away from the world' it's maybe a bit like two innocent kids with adult sex drives built in - quite a heady bond, but ultimately one that's an avoidance strategy. You're avoiding being controlled again, but this means you have effectively hooked up with someone who lacks a sense of adult responsibility. I don't mean he's totally irresponsible ie. he's not an alcoholic or jobless addict - but he's never got his act together enough to fully function as an adult and to extend this over to someone else in a relationship, with healthy boundaries, a good sense of where his life's going and what he has to offer and will accept from another.I can very much relate to feeling controlled - for me it goes right back to my early life when my father was alive. I wonder if this is the case for you? It would seem to be key to why you are rather defensive towards people ie. when they make insensitive criticisms, something in you possibly still reacts to feeling 'controlled', because control often amounts to a gross insensitivity to the one being controlled. This defense will run through pretty much all your relationships with people, but to different degrees. Your choice of partner will reflect how you respond to and cope with controlling behaviour. It does seem that, at this stage in your life, you've opted to avoid it altogether. Depending on how extreme you think your responses might be, it may be worth seeing a counsellor for a few sessions, just to trace back to when you started to feel controlled and to help you to re-align your responses. If you don't think it's that severe then maybe it will be enough just to become more aware, in yourself, of when you feel potentially controlled and how you respond (defensively) and how you could maybe change the way you react. It's 99% true that we cannot change other people. However, I fully believe that, if we change the way we respond to them and the way we interract with them, we 'set the pace' for how they respond back and effectively get a different 'version' of them; everyone is always slightly different with different people - I talk to my neighbour slightly differently to how I talk to a colleague, just because I get a different sense of them as a person and I can instinctively feel how they might respond to me before I say/do things. What I'm suggesting to you is that you can effectively 'give out' different aspects of yourself and people will respond differently, just as you or I respond differently to different people anyway. I don't see this as being controlling, I just see it as having a more adult awareness of how social behaviour is something of a subtle art sometimes.Anyway, good luck with the future, I hope this helps a little at least - it was also helpful for me to read your post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): Some valid points from the female anonymous writer on 3rd March.
maybe you are right in that he can only think for one person. There has been alot of instances. Something i have noticed today, i always seem to put him first, and tonight i thought, you know what im not going to. And to be honest because hes upset me i feel like i just dont want to see him at the moment, as i know its gonna be me the one who ends up in tears eventually anyway. My instinct tells me this. But he was fine about me doing my own thing tonight and not seeing him, because he thought he had someone elses house he was going around to do some music reahursal with, anyway he was quite happy when i spoke to him earlier, but because this other person has said no to reaursal because has something else on, oooh you could see the mood change in him. If he has other things to do with anyone, it doesnt matter who it is, its as though there isnt anyone in particular that is anymore important to him than anyone else, if he is busy and things to do with other people, not seeing me would not bother him. I even noticed when i have been on holiday with him, anyone else is not in his thoughts because they are not around, even his family they dont come into his mind, its as though he can only see what is in front of him at the time or happening here and now. i cant understand it. See because my mind doesnt work in this way, i take it personaly and it feels hurful because i think after all i do for him, he feels nothing for me. But maybe it isnt that, i just dont know, or maybe it is.
I take your point with me not wanting to be in the real world to a certain degree but not entirley this. i think in the sense of, ive had some very controlling relationships and, the fact that he doesnt question me about what i do, i dont have to answer to him and yes i can get away with behaving in a way with him that with others i would not. However i do not agree this is right, but probably for me for now becasuse of previous experiences. But because he doesnt question anything, it upsets me because it gives the impression he doesnt care. Any other man i have ever been with would have loved to have finished my decorating off to make me happy, and he didnt, and didnt bother him either which leads me to feel that i am not anything to him and he doesnt care because he doesnt want to make me happy. I must admit, we do have a very strong connection in bond and things in common, when im with him there are not enough hours in the day it seems, but maybe in the end this is not what is important, maybe its more important someone that you can get along with, maybe not all of the same intrests, but knowing that they are reliable and they care and would do anything for me and be there for me, i think this is whats most important in the end isnt it over whether you having a good time?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 THIS is the most important phrase in your whole submittal:
"...He obviously doesnt care for me does he?"
You are correct. So, now, go find a REAL "boyfriend"...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 March 2015):
Aren’t you being a bit dramatic? Okay, sending that extra card was insensitive and foolish, and if his friends don’t like his choice of partner, maybe he needs to be a bit firmer with them about accepting you. He’s probably being a bit of a wimp to avoid upsetting his friends rather than because he’s not bothered about you. As for the decorating, have you considered that his friends might have asked him how he was getting on with it? Perhaps that’s why he told them you’d paid some-one, and they were giving him a bit of playful stick about it. It could have all been meant in a light-hearted way when she said about this being the kind of man you were with. Why would she in all seriousness want to put down her friend? And if she does, doesn’t it say more for their relationship than yours? I think you should just tell your man that the card upset you, and that you’re concerned that his friends don’t get on with you. Tell him how much of an effort you’re making and, I’m afraid, you’ll have to spell it out to him how he can better support you with this. Explain that your feelings are hurt but tell him what he needs to do. This will tell you whether you really are low down on his list of priorities or not.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): For a man to be 54 and act this way shows a great deal of immaturity. And, I am sorry, but it also shows why he has formed a semblance of a relationship with someone much younger than him, who - again, I'm sorry - does come across as quite naive about the inner politics of a relationship. In other words, whilst you seem responsible (you've bought your own home) you do seem to lack insight into the way that adult relationships should work if they are to be healthy. This means, frankly, that he can get away with never really being called out on his behaviour in the way that he would be by a less naive woman. Usually this would mean an older woman, but age and maturity and age and naivety don't always go together.
The people that you mention are saying things to you that you are very defensive and sensitive about. The content of what they are saying may actually help you, but the way you are responding to it isn't doing you any favours. Sometimes people say things in ways that seem insensitive, or hurtful or attacking. And sometimes they are. But you have to bear in mind that the way you then respond can make you blind to the grain of truth in what they say. You are taking their words as signs of dislike of you, or non-acceptance, or as disapproval of the relationship. And they may be those things. But beyond that, there is something to be said about the doubts that these comments place upon your relationship. It is a relationship that you are doubting yourself, but you are also defensive of the way that others are expressing their doubt.
The three main things that I think indicate the relationship is not a functioning, healthy one are:
a. The age difference BECAUSE the age difference is drawing attention to your naivety and his immaturity. Some age difference relationships work, some don't. So it;s not the ages of either of you as such, it's what they indicate about your characters that matters, and the way that these aspects of your characters don't sit well together.
b. The fact he tries to send a separate card AND then removes it. He sends a separate card because he is, ultimately, not secure in being in a couple with you. AND he removes the card for the same reason - he is not sure what you couple status means to him just as an individual and so the pressure of being a couple is connecting to his insecurity just as an individual - he will change his behaviours if he sees it upsets you, but it;s a very superficial gesture. If he was sure of himself (and still not sure of you as a couple) he would have just kept the two cards where they were and stuck to what he said to you. As it is, he is both uncertain of you both as a couple and, in turn, uncertain of himself. This is a major sign of his immaturity. He doesn;t know himself and isn't interesting in understanding himself. All he can ultimately bring to a relationship is, therefore, uncertainty. And he is making you feel uncertain, in turn, because this is what happens when insecure people try to form relationships.
c. That he didn't finish your decoration. Like it or not, what this other person said is true. Try to separate the way she said it from the content of what she said. I agree it may have been an insensitive way to tell you and her insensitivity may have put your guard up. But don't let this blind you to the truth in what she says. A decorator who can't be bothered to finish his partner's decorating is a sorry excuse for a partner. Okay, if you'd been married 20 years and he one day says "honey, I'm just so busy right now and when I come home I don't want to extend my working day, I just want to switch off" fine. But to bail out fairly early on is just crap. He will be inwardly bailing out in countless other ways. His heart isn't in it, and he is the kind of man who can only think, ultimately, in terms of one - him - and not two. There's no room on his stage for one, for you. Again, this is why he has difficulty in sharing even a card with you - it's not in him to think in terms of two, he just can't do it and this is why he was single at his ripe old age when you met. If you look back over the history of your relationship you will see more instances of when he is thinking in terms of one, rather than two.
Your own motives for being in this relationship seem to be that you want to preserve your naivety and, possibly, a more child-like attitude to the world. Someone more aware would have sussed this guy in two seconds flat. You don't want to do that. Instead it seems you are inclined to want to protect him from criticism, whilst also having your own doubts. But ultimately it is YOU that you're protecting when you try to cast off your own and other people's doubts. By maintaining a semblance of a bond to this person, you don't have to get out there into the thick of it and deal with the reality of a relationship with a more mature person who would call into question a lot of your own principles and behaviours, which is what happens in healthy relationships, but in a way that enables you both to work as a team. There is no team in what you have with this man and I suspect you are using him to somehow hide away from the world - this seems to be why you are so very defensive of how people respond to you and to him. Your outlook generally seems defensive, despite the fact you take responsibility for things.
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