A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently went on a weekend away with my boyfriend, two of my friends and their boyfriends. We always go out as a group and all get along really well. One night we was playing drinking games and everyone ended up naked. This is the first time anything like this has happened.I ended up really drunk and have no memory of a large portion of the night. The first thing I remember was waking up with my friends boyfriend cuddling up to me touching me and telling me how sexy I am. I didn't tell him to get off straight away which I feel so guilty about but after a moment, once I realised what was going I did stop it.I don't think it went any further than that and I haven't spoken to him about it, he probably isn't sure I remember so hasn't mentioned it either.I feel so guilty and can't stop thinking about how I have betrayed my friend. This is so out of character for both of us and they have a 1 year old baby together.I guess I'm looking for people's opinion on whether I should tell my friend or keep quiet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Yes you should tell her. Cerberus makes a good point. Also what about your boyfriend? You should feel more guilty for cheating on your boyfriend than his girlfriend
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 Tell her OP, you're giving the guy way too much power over you by keeping quiet. You dont know when, where and how he could use this against you. And not only did you betray your friend, you have also betrayed your boyfriend. Does he know about any of this?
Cerberus is right, there are way too many variables in this scenario and you just never know when you get caught. Own up and be honest about whatever happened.
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Definitely keep quiet!! You know she will forgive him (as a drunken mistake) anyway so why ruin your friendship and their trust.Men cheat that is just life unfortunately. There is a child involved so give their relationship a chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Unfortunately I disagree with the others OP. Keeping quiet is not an option. I mean he's your friends boyfriend, not a stranger that you'll never see again. The guilt will be inescapable and every time she mentions his name, something nice he did, every time you hang out together with them, you won't be happy for her you'll be torn with guilt instead.
OP I think those who advised you to say nothing are not looking at the big picture here.
There are far too many variables to this situation and the vast majority of them don't work out well for you.
Here's some of the things you have to hope never happen:
-You have to hope he never tells anyone else, no one not even his closest friend, if he does, it gets out, you're fucked.
-You have to hope they don't break up in a bad way and he uses what happened between you as ammunition to hurt her and ruin your friendship.
-You have to hope he doesn't fall out with your boyfriend and use it as ammunition against him.
-You have to hope he doesn't fall out with you and use it to fuck you over.
-You have to hope his guilt doesn't get the better of him and he confesses to her to relieve that.
-You have to hope that now that he knows you won't say anything that you're fair game for him to get sexy with while drunk again, and perhaps next time get caught.
-You have to hope that he doesn't decide he wants you more now and use your obvious fear of having your friendship ruined to blackmail you into keep getting sexy with him.
-You have to hope he doesn't get blind drunk some night and just mumble it in his stupor.
-You have to hope he doesn't call your name out during sex or drunkenly call her your name by accident.
-You have to hope that you weren't totally all over him that night and someone saw that.
-You have to hope no one else suspects a thing to the point of creating a rumour about it.
-You have to hope your friend doesn't piece together what happened that night and figure out where he was when he was with you.
-You have to hope you can spend your entire friendship knowing that this may come out at any time, even by accident 5 years down the line and ruin your friendship then.
-You have to hope that you'll be able to drink with them again without it being so painfully uncomfortable that you just can't spend time with her when he's there anymore.
-You have to hope that the tension between you and him doesn't become so obvious that people suspect that something happened and demand to know what.
-You have to hope the guilt doesn't burn such a big hole in your heart that you can't bear to be friends with her anymore.
Look I'm sure I can think of more but you get the idea.
You will literally have a friendship of guilt and always worried this might come out. A stranger you'll never see again may work as it's only your guilt you'd have to deal with, you're talking about letting your entire friendship hinge on what he decides to do, in the hope that none of any of the millions of possible ways he can mess it up will happen. I couldn't live like that at all, that's a nightmare scenario.
What I would do is simple. I'd get my side out first and head this whole thing off at the pass.
I would do it because your situation isn't a simple matter of cheating OP, you can be fully honest but just alter one simple detail and what happened won't reflect as badly on you as to lose her.
You need to understand OP, your story has to be simple as possible, it has to be as close to the truth as possible and it has to be the exact same story you tell everyone.
The only detail you need to change OP is the not telling him to get off you straight away and the only alteration you need to add is that you thought it was your boyfriend for a minute or two and as soon as you realized it wasn't you threw him off. That's it, just add that one little bit and while you're not entirely blameless it sounds a whole lot better and frankly the rest can be the truth. Just a tiny little detail changed.
The way I would do it is I'd tell her every detail including that change but I would take full responsibility too, I wouldn't use what happened to try and blame only him, that won't work. I'd take full responsibility that I didn't stop it sooner but no one can blame you for someone molesting you while you're asleep. I'd tell her how sorry I am that this happened, that I'll never get that drunk around him again and that I know I'm probably going to lose my boyfriend but all I care about is not losing her. That I'd rather protect her and lose her as a friend than sit back and watch her think everything is okay with a guy who would do something like that to her.
The way I see it if you say nothing then the friendship is already over, not only are you not protecting her from a boyfriend who cheated on her but you're just going to be a friend who feels bad and guilty all the time. That's not a friendship OP. In this case loyalty to her has to mean willing to take the risk that you lose her just so he can't fuck her over this way again with you or another girl.
Most importantly though OP this has to happen as soon as possible. It has to seem like something you're doing to protect her and be honest rather than anything else such as the risk of being caught. She has to feel that you did so without coercion or she'll think you only did it for the wrong reasons.
OP if you want to go with the not telling her and hoping thing fine, that's your choice. But make your decision now because waiting too long to tell her is going to look far too bad to get away with this. You need to decide right now what you're going to do and stick with it. The "I'm willing to lose you to protect you because I love you and you're my friend" strategy will only work done now. Decide now.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Honestly ,I'd keep quiet too. And I'd hold back on the sauce in the future, being so drunk that you can't remember parts of the evening is not safe, smart or healthy.
I'm all for being truthful, but in this case I think I would keep my mouth shut. And not repeat that in the future.
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female
reader, KlassyKirsty +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Honesty is the best policy yes, and u do not need to have a guilty conscience because you did not intend for this to happen. It was him that betrayed ur friend and not u. This is just going to play on ur mind and memories will come flooding back when you see them again. It is better for u to disclose to her what happened so she doesn't have another episode of heartbreak from him further down the line so she can overcome it quicker and find a more loyal partner. If you tell her you are much more honest and genuine than her two timing unsuitable boyfriend!
He has proved not to be suitable boyfriend material, and has crossed that very thin line which wasn't construed as harmless flirting. He is very likely to repeat what he previously did.
Good luck :) xxxx
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (25 March 2013):
First piece of advise i would give you is-that it it never Wise but could but you in danger to be only able to remember portion of the night because you were so drunk.Re- your friend I would Not tell her AS THIS ONLY HAPPENED ONCE and when you realized what was happening you stopped it .However at the same time would you consider going to a counsellor re your drinking it would be very helpful for you if you thought that your drinking was getting out of hand .Be gentle with yourself and try not feel guilty.Kind Wishes Nora B.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 March 2013):
 I think keep quiet personally, and just dont drink so much the next time you are with him. You have a boyfriend, he has a girlfriend and a baby, neither of you really rememeber what happened....there is no point in tearing a family apart and ruining your relationship with your boyfriend and friend over something you dont remember.
Yes honesty is normally the best policy, but in this case honesty wont achieve anything apart from creating a lot of heartache for all involved.
As long as you can be sure you wont allow it to happen again, and make sure that when you are around this man you dont let yourself get too drunk to the point where you cant control yourself, then you will be fine. It was a silly drunken mistake that doesnt really matter, just dont let it happen again!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (25 March 2013):
 I think it might be better not to mention anything. I think if you had had sex with him, that would be different, but there's nothing to be gained by saying anything to her.
Obviously you won't want this kind of thing to happen again, so i think you should try to be more careful where alcohol's concerned as it can make us do all sorts of thing that our natural inhibitions normally stop us from doing.
Hope this helps.
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