A
female
age
30-35,
*autrec
writes:My ex and I had kind of a terrible breakup. The issue was that he refused to cuddle with me at all and if I tried to touch him, he would recoil and physically shove me away, which made me feel really bad about myself. He also seemed to enjoy the company of one of his new roommates more than mine and would frequently ditch me to hang out with them even though I was friends with them too. He eventually broke up with me because he moved. He boasted about his "adult decision" to move into a new house without being able to afford the rent. He said that our relationship was holding him back from "being an adult," and that he believed that I was acting just like his clingy, psycho ex. The one who threatened suicide on him all the time. Yeah, I was a little more clingy than usual, but it was also because I witnessed the (VERY sudden) death of my mom's boyfriend. I actively tried to resuscitate him and I had to fight with 911 dispatchers to get him an ambulance as I watched him die. Needless to say, I have been suffering from PTSD ever since. He didn't really care that I just needed to be held sometimes and told me to "just get over it." There was a time after we broke up that he contacted me. He wanted to apologize to me and hang out, but then revealed that he was only apologizing because he was lonely. His roommates weren't constantly available for him and he all of a sudden wanted to repair the bridge that he burned even though he wouldn't have done it if they didn't have their own plans. So basically, he was such an asshole to me that I really don't care about his feelings at all. In fact, I would honestly punch him in the face if I ever saw him again.So now, one of his roommates and I have started to talk and get a little hot and heavy. I honestly have been attracted to the guy since I met him at a party while my ex and I were still dating and it turns out that he's attracted to me too. He's away right now for his winter break, but when he comes back this next week, we're going to start sleeping together. We've been talking about it since September. My ex and I broke up in July. Today, he said that it might be a good idea to tell my ex about it before something actually happens between us.I could see why he would want to tell my ex. It seems like a general non-asshole, considerate thing to do. I don't care about my ex's feelings, but his roommate probably does to some extent. There are three ways that I feel about this: The Nice Side of me says that if it were me, I'd feel shitty being the only person in the house who doesn't know, so someone should tell him. The Realistic Side of me says that this guy basically threw me away and who I sleep with is 't any of his business. The Mean Side of me says that whichever way would hurt him the most is the way to go because I'm still mad. But I'm not sleeping with his roommate specifically because I want to hurt him. I'd sleep with him regardless.All things considered, should I tell my asshole ex that I'm going to sleep with his roommate?
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female
reader, Lautrec +, writes (11 January 2013):
Lautrec is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses!Just to clarify, I wouldn't actually be telling him myself. The roommate wants to tell him. I'm not on speaking terms with my ex at all. It was originally the roommate's girlfriend's idea to tell him (they're in an open relationship), but I don't really like to listen to her because I feel like she just wants to make drama for me. She used to come onto my ex in front of me, alienate me from conversations, etc.I guess they don't want things to be weird in their house? They're the ones who have to live with the guy after all. Either they're trying to prevent in-home weirdness, they think that he'll get mad if he finds out on his own, or the girlfriend just doesn't like me.I was mostly just wondering if it's something my ex should know. I don't feel like I owe my ex anything or have to answer to him. If he knows and disapproves, I don't really care and I think that I'll just have sex with his roommate anyway. It's not really asking permission, it's more like just letting him know since the guy that I want to sleep with lives with him. I don't really know why he needs to know though.
A
male
reader, Broadminded +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Why? What purpose would it serve? You want to have sex, not get married to this room mate. The other side of it is that guys hate it when their ex sleeps with someone they know. It's just a fact. Since you all seem to have this hive mind and can't find anyone outside the group, you're up the proverbial creek without a paddle.
Do the dude and shut up about it or don't do him but don't tell the ex beforehand.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 January 2013):
"I'm going to have sex with your roommate" isn't exactly how you should phrase it... maybe more along the lines of "Your roommate thought that it was a good idea to tell you that we've been dating."
Personally I wouldn't say a thing, what's the point? He'll find out soon enough and there's no reason that I can see that makes it necessary since he's the one who ended your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (11 January 2013):
Dear OP,You do not owe any explanation to your ex on your present or future situation. It should not matter to him who you are dating or sleeping with because he is your PAST. I do not know why his roommate wants him to know before doing it. Most probably he does not want any animosity between your your ex and him. If his roommate wants your ex to know, then he should tell your ex and not make YOU tell your ex. So if your ex is not comfortable about his roommate sleeping with you, then the roommate will not??? You want a guy to decide on the course of your relationship based on what your ex has to say?? I don't know the whole context of your situation, therefore I am basically just commenting what little I know here. Anyway, my take on this, get on with your life and forget what your ex might feel. Take care and good luck!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 You are speaking mostly from the mean side of you. If you tell him this there will be 4 kinds of responses. 1. Great! Have fun. 2. Are you telling me this to anger me? 3. Soooooo?! 4. How can you do this to me you slut? You have to prepare that the guy who does not care about you suddenly cares about you when another guy takes you. It triggers the primal anger that someone has what I don't have. It's not fair. Many guys behave like that even when they break up with you they still possess you. It is a very selfish trait. Technically you can say you can do whatever you want with whoever. You will be surprised how much he would mind this when you rub this in his face. If you decide to have sex don't go to his house. Let the roommate come to you.
I don't really see a point in telling him. I understand the anger you have. I just can't get past the ick factor. It's awkward. Hooking up with exes' roommates is one of the popular porn themes. You don't know if this roommate has a big mouth.
I am sure there are many people who find you attractive. You can even get laid tonight if you know where to go. The best way to let go of your ex is to stop associating with him and his acquaintances. Don't make things complicated.
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