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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Is there a way to shut down emotions? I am a guy who has only ever had one girlfriend, an ex now... and is still a virgin. I feel so much pressure to date many women and have sex to prove I am a man. In my relationship I treated her like a princess and she liked that but I know she grew tired of it. The way we got together was pure luck. I have never been good with girls and I want to give up. All the advice about talking to girls and asking them out doesn’t help me because I get rejected anyway. I get made fun of. When my friends know I like a girl they tease me because they know I don’t have the looks or confidence to do anything about it. I have suffered from confidence issues since I was 13. A lot of my family and closer friends I know see me act confident because I put on a huge facade. Very few of my friends know about my lack of confidence. For the last 3 years, my life has been all about proving to myself that I am manly enough for a girl, which isn’t going well.My question is, is there a way to stop caring about girls. I realize I won’t ever be skilled at getting girls/girlfriends so I want to stop feelings of attraction that make it worse. I have helped girls a lot in my life such as preventing a rape and helping many girls work through their insecurity problems. To prove how serious I am, I have stopped using porn as a stimulus to masturbation and am trying to avoid masturbation for as long as possible.
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confidence, porn, still a virgin, talking to girls Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 You have posted before about these issues and, not that we are not always glad to hear from you and not always at your disposal, because we are ,... but, your head is so full with dysfunctional thinking and cognitive distorsions, which you also got very attached to as if they were old friends, that, every time, whatever any of us may say just goes right over your head and out of the window ,does not touch you, does not help you, it just starts another stream of OCDeing. You need serious professional intervention, you need a radical reprogramming of your thought process, - you need therapy. You do not need our pep talks, or our sympathy . You need to realize that you have a problem, a serious problem since already many years, which is affecting the way you relate to people and the enjoyment you get from your daily life, and you need to deal with it seriously ,constantly and effectively. Just ranting to the Aunts won't change anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCMMP, I have a very difficult time separating girls into classes. It could be the fact that I don't like being compared to people better than me, but a girl I like is a girl I like, and a girl I don't like.. I don't like. Asking them out is a different matter, because I always mess it up. I come off as awkward and vulnerable. It's not completely looks based either, as some of the really "popular" girls put me off since they are:a) very demanding b) more experienced than I am. As for my sexuality, no offence taken, I just equate attention from girls as being a masculine trait and something that I would want to prove myself and others. As you could tell, I was bullied as a child. I haven't been born the tallest or the strongest and growing up in a family of cousins who have had much more enormous success with women feels that much worse. I've talked to counselors in my high school and college, and their advice worked little. Xearo, things that make me happy are things like playing sports and weightlifting.These activities are very short-lived since I cannot do them everyday. As for having friends that are girls, I have many. They come to me when they have any issue whether it is guys, fights, school etc. I have a knack for solving other people's problems but never my own. I don't like things being handed to me but most people tell me to go and find some confidence, but they leave it at that and I am left clueless since I already do things I like doing. What am I doing wrong?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 January 2013):
Seems like you aren't very good at paying attention because people are giving you the right advice but you are too busy focusing on what you think you need.
People your age tend to think that everything needs to be rushed or that they feel like they are behind everyone else. You need to be good at sex? Sorry man but you really have no clue. Being good or bad at sex or the amount of girls you had does not define your worth as a man. All you are doing is putting pressure on yourself and this shows in your body language which I am sure puts off many girls.
Like everyone has said, focus on your confidence. Do this by focusing on things that make YOU happy instead of what may or may not make girls happy. Your daily confidence is indeed fake which DOES show to girls. Try to befriend some girl to find out what she likes or don't like and hopefully you can find some info about yourself. If you want to stop caring then all you have to do is ignore girls. Eventually the need to give them attention goes away and some girls might even like you for that.
Life ain't easy and it doesn't get any easier the older you get. If you want something bad enough you are gonna have to work hard for it. Feeling sorry for yourself or trying to make people sorry for you isn't going to get you very far.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 January 2013):
It is easy, I've done it myself. It only takes a couple of times being bold (but scared) and doing something like walking up to a girl you barely know and asking her out and hearing her say yes then later tell you how what you did was a turn on because it shows how confident you are.
Have that or something similar happen and you'll be confident in no time. Does that mean you're instantly going to be Mr. Confidence? No, but it's a good place to start.
When I say fake it I don't mean walk around like you're an actor. I mean do something that scares you despite the fact that it scares you. By doing that you are literally becoming confident because you wouldn't do it if you knew you'd screw up. Just taking that first step makes you a more confident person.
Two things: maybe you're asking the wrong women. I had a friend who was a perpetual virgin because he insisted on going for girls who were out if his league. Once he realized that he actually had a lot of luck with the ladies. Then, once that started happening his confidence was boosted and that helped him get the type of ladies that rejected him in the first place.
Second thing: no offense, but being so convinced that nobody in the whole world could like you sounds to me like you need counseling. Thinking the only solution to your problem is to rid yourself of desire just proves that.
Also, I don't mean to offend you, but I'm getting some hints that you may have issues with your sexuality. Your penis proves you're a man, having sex with a woman doesn't. I may be way off but if so it's just more proof you should see a therapist.
It may be expensive but if it could help you live a normal life than its easily worth it.
BTW, there's no way to know how good you are in bed. It's not even worth worrying about. When you're with a woman the easiest way to please her is to care about pleasing her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sensitive about it because I need to be good at sex as soon as I can because I am behind a lot of people my age. No girl wants an inexperienced guy, it just isn't masculine. Plus, my ex was more experienced than me and it led to me questioning my kissing ability since she is the only one I have kissed. I understand with the way my life is unfolding that I will have limited sexual opportunities, therefore I need to make the best of any situation. Very few things make me feel confident. Sometimes I feel better when I play soccer or think of making a nice living in 10 yrs time but that would be a lonely life since no girls want to be with me. Besides, my hobbies are constantly me trying to outdo myself. One bad game and I feel useless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI fake my confidence everyday. The real confidence never comes though and eventually I grow tired of faking myself. Then a few days later, I try again to act confident. Cycle repeats.
If it was easy, I'm sure I would have done it by now.
The thing about my virginity is, I'm extremely sensitive about how good I am at sex. I haven't had intercourse but with my ex everytime we got intimate, I would only focus on her the whole time and it became a scale of how well I could pleasure her on the particular day.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 January 2013):
You could ask a doctor to castrate you.
Your looks aren't the problem its your confidence. And when you have no confidence no girls want to be with you which ruins your confidence. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Ever heard of "fake it till you make it?" In your case it means that you have to recognize this endless cycle and tell yourself that you are going to end it. Leaving your comfort zone is required. ACT CONFIDENT and before you know it people will treat you differently, then you'll BE confident.
Remind yourself that your only problem is confidence. It's not your looks, your money, your car, or your testicles. It's your confidence. And the good thing is that you can boost your confidence pretty easily.
I'm no expert on how to do that so you should get a book about it and read it right away.
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