A
female
age
26-29,
*oupar
writes: my dad is a horrible person and a big cheater. i recently caught my dad out cheating on his new wife. No mistake about it-it was a sad site. my dad has moved on and he has his own family--and his new wife has tried hard to be nice to us--even tho im avoiding her at the moment i got to tell u all shes actually really a nice person. I really do not want to see her go threw what my mom did. I feel bad for her for shes tried hard to be like a big sis to me and to all the kids in my moms house. She always says if u need any girl talk call her.(she has even earned her right to be called big sis. she recently paid for half of the car i just bought so i wouldnt have to drive the one my moms boyfriend was loaning me.) Anyways i caught my dad cheating, my soon to be stepdad says to mind my business but I feel like i should speak up, i think she should know and i want to tell her but my soon to be step dad keeps telling me to mind my own business. Is it? I cant even look her in the face, In away shes sort of become one of my best friends. And shes starting to notice im avoiding her. To tell her or not to...Should I? i want to but i dont want to ruin the friendship shes tried so hard to build with all of us. Plus, My dads new wife-she dont deserve the crap we had to deal with. She deserves so much better. what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): it sounds like you really love your stepmom and want to go up to bat for her. one strategy you might consider is going to your dad directly and talking to him about your concern. you might express how much you like his wife and you don't want to see history repeat itself. now if you're of the devious mindset you could possibly accidentally hit the record button on your smartphone and record the conversation as backup evidence should you decide to go to your stepmom and let her know what's going on. . . if your dad isn't straightening his behavior out. good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): OK. If you want to expose him and if it comes down to your word versus his - you may not win and it will get messy.
What exactly have you witnessed so far with your Dad and the other woman? Did you see them in bed? Did you see them in a car together? What exactly do you have so far? Did you see him talking to another woman and because of his past you assumed he is cheating? Do you know the woman you saw him with?
Please would you give a little more on why you think your Dad is cheating.
If you know that every Tuesday he says he is going to the gym but is meeting XXX at hers - then - a much easier bust on him.
If you saw him once kissing a woman you don't know - harder.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2017):
If you tell her without proof, she might be manipulated again because all he has to say is that "it wasn't me". If you do tell her, keep in mind that she may also not believe you. If you do tell her, at least explain everything you told us here... don't just jump to the point that you say him cheating. Whether you tell or not, it is up to you. It is your family as well so this is clearly your business. Personally, I would tell.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): It would be easy if you were a mistress with years worth of texts and evidence including pictures and video!!You'd have all the right ammo to back up your words and the truth could never be refuted. But for now it's only your word.I firmly believe your dad's new wife has the right to know. It is only going to eat away at you knowing your dad keeps hurting her while you are sitting by idly watching him betray her constantly.Who is hurting her with the truth? You or your dad? It's your dad. Not you. His actions are hurting her. He out her and himself in this position.In this life, so many people choose to tow the line and not rock the boat. Telling you to mind your own business. To keep quiet and not stand up for what is right makes you just as bad as your dad. It's a lie of omission. If a woman was being Besten in broad daylight, how many people would walk by and mind their own business? What kind of person could do that? And more importantly, what kind of world are we living in if we don't stand up for what is wrong, and try to help someone who is bring mistreated? I'll tell you one thing is for sure. She will find out sooner or later. You would just be sparing her from prolonged future pain. Your dad is an ass, sorry. And he relies on his yes men to keep their mouths shut. Guys like this need to be taught a lesson. Knocked off their pedestal. It sounds harsh but if things are shaken up for them enough, they might think twice about ever causing other people such destruction. His cheating has a ripple effect. It's affecting a lot of people. Including you.I say stage it so that she walks in on your dad and his lover or finds the evidence herself. Sees it with her own two eyes. And from that point forward, it will be on her as to what she decides to do about it.See if you can establish a pattern to your dad's cheating ways. There is always a pattern. Usually they see their lover at very specific times and at very specific places to avoid detection. So, your dad will be fitting the lover into his daily schedule. When he's out playing baseball or cards, he is actually with the other woman.If you establish this, you will be able to call his wife and tell her to meet you where he is and catch him red handed. But don't tell her why. Just go. And remember he needs to be caught with his pants down so he has no way of manipulating the situation and inventing lies to cover his tracks. Cheaters are experts at this. The art of deception.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Listen sweetheart to your soon to be step dad and stay out of your dads business, because thats what she is to him.You are constantly between a rock and a hard place so that trouble falls back on your kind heart.Your dad creates most of the problems because each new woman is a career move.Your new stepdad is all for pulling you out of trouble so stick close to him.Your new family unit will sustain you.In time your dads new wife will accept that dad treats everyone with a casual disregard and moves on especially when the woman is pregnant and sex is less.He uses women.But dont get involved in his tangles.Create new boundaries and let the new sis figure it out for herself. In time she will become part of your extended family but it doesnt have to fall on you to cleanup after dad moves on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello there.This is a tricky situation for a number of reasons.Ok...let me try and break this down.Firstly, how did you catch your father cheating? What exactly has happened? You caught him in bed? In a restaurant? So...you know about this infidelity. Your step-father knows about the infidelity (which probably means he has also told your mother - and so now quite a few people probably know).What I have learnt in life that revealing to a person that they are being cheated on can be explosive. Does she deserve to know - of course. She deserves to be with a good partner. BUT...this is not usually what happens when you are the messenger. It can get very nasty.She has married him, which means (hopefully) she loves him and has committed to him. She believes in him. You are about to sit her down and shatter this BELIEF and change her life. So, what will she do when you tell her. First it be disbelief and shock - no, he wouldn't do that, you must have got it wrong. You explain in detail what you saw. Secondly, if she believes you, she will be hurt and angry and most likely confront by calling him there and then..."I'm with XXXX and she's told me XXXX". Now, what do you think he is going to say back to her? Yup, you got me, honey...shucks! No...he will say he doesn't know what she is talking about. She will say - your daughter saw you/caught you and he will say that YOU are lying or YOU are mistaken. He may even throw in some stuff like you were a troubled child and making things up for attention (so, she doubts you). As you are the sole person offering the evidence of his cheating, he is going to have to discredit you and/or intimidate you if he wants his wife to believe HIM.Now...let's say you leave her then and there waiting for him to return, what do you think is going to happen? What do you think he is going to say to her? Deny...deny...deflect onto you...lie...lie...lie. She will either start to believe it (because she wants to and he has worn her down) or stick to her guns. If she decides to stay around, it is very likely that she won't want to see as much of you because you are a reminder of the cheating and/ or he did a real number on her and convinced her you are crazy.Your father will probably call you and threaten you in some way as well.I believe she has the right to know but I would like you to understand what the fall out from you telling her is likely to be. It is not going to be comfortable and I want you to be safe. Messengers have to be pretty tough as they are straight in the firing line from all sides.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (1 November 2017):
 There's one thing I've learned about people in this life and it's that not everyone wants to hear the truth. I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve to know I'm just saying that telling her about the affair may not go down the way you were expecting.
You know her best, so it would really come down to what you think she would want to know. Some women would never want to know because it would be too painful while some would love to know so they can whoop their spouse's ass.
Maybe you could try the "I have a friend scenario..."
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Aleisha-Jay  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 What stays in the dark will soon come to light. Which doesn't necessarily mean you telling her. In life things happen to people that we wish we could prevent or change in some way or another. This situation puts you in the middle and sounds upsetting.
I don't think anyone can tell you what to do in this situation but maybe speak with your dad and tell him to tell her. In this case, some people have relationships like this and the woman knows what is happening but deals with it out of love for that person.
Speak with your dad and see what the situation is and tell him how you feel.. He would be selfish if he didn't think of your feelings in this situation too??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): How well do you know her? Is she relatively a normal person, or is she in someway damaged? If it's the latter she probably idealizes your dad (you have to remember that she married him and you say he's horrible) and would probably want to convince herself that everything is fine. And that will make you a liar in er eyes and she might even tell your dad. Who knows how he'll react.I you're ok with this worst case scenario (or anything worse you can think of), go ahead and tell her. If not, don't.She may leave your dad, and "save herself" from his destruction. But she may decide to stay and hate you.Basically this is your choice.
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