A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Recently, he has been hinting A LOT that he wants to proposed. He also keeps asking me to find time for him to see my mom.. I know he wants to ask her. Any girl would be super happy... and I am happy... just, I'm not ready. I love him. I know I do. I love dating him.. but I'm not ready to anything more. I'm truly happy when I am with him; I'm truly happy around his friends and family. I see them as part of my life. But I need to be able to go home at the end of the day and have MY LIFE and MY SPACE. I'm not yet ready to share ALL of my life with him. I'm afraid to let him know that I'm not ready for the next step. We've talked about marriage and children since we started dating 4 years ago and I was super excited... but just these past few months, I realized I'm not ready. It makes me feel uneasy when he hints marriage. If he finds out, he will be hurt and think that I don't love him and don't want to be with him... but I do love him and want to be with him. I just don't want to be married to him right now. How do I tell him without hurting him and without risking him leaving me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2017):
I don't think you need an excuse to not get married. If you don't want to get married then just tell him, and explain to him how you prefer having your space at this stage in your life.
That may not be what he wants to hear and he might get upset. But that is fair, because he has a right to feel that way, just the same as you have a right to not wanting to be married.
Either way, you should come clean.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 November 2017):
 Dear OP,
Thanks for the follow up. You are searching for a solid reason for not advancing the relationship to something more committed. Engagement, marriage, or even cohabitation. You have clearly and concisely listed all of the great things about this guy, And yet you still have not found the reason why not. You are looking in the wrong place. It's not the timing. It's not the guy. It's you.
You have two paths to chose from here. You can tell him the truth that you don't want to marry because you prefer to be single, have your own place, strictly limited together time, etc.. You can even tell him that you would love to continue to date him for the rest of your life. And you can learn to accept his decision based on that truth from you.
Or you can figure out how to give enough of yourself to accept another person permanently in your life. You will probably need a therapist to do that.
In the end most people get what they want most. It is OK if you want YOUR HOME more than you want marriage. You just have to accept that you can't have both.
I also want to remind you once again, that his feelings are every bit as important as yours. Even if he is male and emotionally handicapped. If you love him you will protect his feelings as well as you protect yours.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (2 November 2017):
If your bf would dismiss what you say about marrying him, literally going against your wishes and asking your mom, why on earth would you want to be with him? It infantilises you that he's asking your mom, it infantilises you further to ignore the actual words coming out of your mouth. Next he'll be organising a flash mob to propose to you in a public display of emotional blackmail!If your mom has your back she'll tell him that it doesn't matter what she says and to ask you straight but her instinct is that you won't agree to marriage. You might not want to change the status quo, but it seems you now have no choice in the matter- He'll ask you, you'll say no and he'll be hurt and break up, or he won't ask you, but will be hurt and confused about the lack of enthusiasm, which will be the same as if he doesn't break up with you when you say no. All of these reactions are better than saying yes when you don't want to and then it all unravelling at great expense a little or much later on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2017):
 OP, thanks for the update.
If I were you I'd tell him BEFORE he proposes that you aren't really sure marriage to HIM is what you want. I get that you don't want to rock the boat, but it's NOT really fair to him if you don't SEE a future with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Maybe you are hoping for too much.
Many people can only dream of finding someone they are compatible with, have passion, fun just doing nothing AND consider their best friend, as well as loving them back, wanting to propose and being so polite asking your mom and with the same sort of life goals.
I feel so sorry for your boyfriend. :(
I feel like if you do leave him, one day, you will regret it, when you realise a lot of other guys would just want sex, or would not have much time for you and so on.
I don't believe you love this guy. I also believe you are perhaps somewhat selfish, the way you go on about my home, my space and all that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): I'm the OP here...The more I think about it, the more I believe some of you are right - it's not the timing, it's the guy. I honestly don't know why I can't see a future with him. There are no major issues between us. We are compatible, have chemistry, have passion, and he is my best friend.... BUT, I just don't see him as my future husband. We go on vacations together and have lived with each other a few weeks here and there at each other's place. We understand and can accept each other's lifestyles.. there are no issues. None at all! It's actually pretty sweet because we cook together. We do laundry together and throw clothes at each other while folding clothes. We cuddle together during lazy Sundays. We lounge around watching re-runs on TV all day long. I enjoy living with him... BUT, I have to know that it's only temporary and I will go back to MY HOME.The sad thing is... I don't even want an engagement.I don't know how to tell him because I have no solid reason and knowing him, he will dismiss it thinking I'm just nervous and have cold feet, he will still pursue the proposal and ask my mom to marry me. Just to be clear, I don't have any other guy I'm interested in and I do love him!
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 October 2017):
You say you’re just not ready. Ask yourself honestly are you not ready or are you not ready with him. and if you’re not ready after four years will you ever be.
My guess is that if you’re honest with yourself you will find it’s not the timing it’s the guy. If I’m right you need to not waste anymore of his time or yours and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): If you haven't tried living with him yet I would STRONGLY advise doing so before you get married. Preferably somewhere rented to begin with. It is very different living with someone to simply dating them. Maybe you could suggest that is the next logical step for you both before he proposes and buys you a little more time.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (31 October 2017):
 You need to bring this up before he pops the question.
What are you going to say when he asks you? "Yes...just not now" ?
Like the others have said be honest with him.
On the other hand, if after 4 years you are still on the fence about sharing everything with him, I don't know if that will change with more time.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 I have a simple question for you that I think even you need to ask yourself.
If not now then when?
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male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (31 October 2017):
I agree with Fatherly Advice- 4 years is a long time to be dating without co-habiting. You might be someone who compartmentalises their life too much to be married, you might be in love with your life as it is now, there is nothing wrong with either, or you might subconsciously know that this is not the man you want to be with forever, there might be no man that fits that description. So you should act fast. Show him what you have written to Dear Cupid- its as articulate as anything you could say to him. Tell him you don't want to set up a meeting with your mom because you don't want a proposal because your aren't ready- you don't have to explain to him in any detail- just say you like things the way they are. But nip it in the bud before he has started down a path that will ramp up his embarrassment and others expectations down the line..
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 October 2017):
I actually disagree with most of the advice here. 4 years is quite a long relationship. When you talk about your life and your space, it looks as if you are not the type of person willing to share a life, or share space with another. But it could just be your insecurities giving you an advanced case of cold feet.
Here is the thing, it isn't just about you and your needs. This guy has life goals that are just slipping by year by year as you lead him along. He needs to know where you are on this so he can determine if you are going to be a life partner, or a happy memory. He is asking you already. He is going to formally ask you. You had better answer him truthfully. No matter what you think it might cost you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2017):
I agree with Denizen, no one says that because he proposes (let's say this year) that you HAVE to marry in 2018 or even 2019.
I do suggest you give it some thought of WHEN you feel you could be ready - I don't think it's fair to HIM if you keep dating him but really don't WANT to get married after all. If it's a matter of time - that you want to wait a year or two, TELL him when he proposes that you want a long engagement because you don't feel totally ready for marriage right now but HE is the guy you want to marry.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (31 October 2017):
 Why don't you go for a long engagement as a compromise?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): Tell him like you told us, that you are just not ready for marriage at this moment and that you love him.Besides, marrying someone without having lived with him first is not a good idea. You have no idea who you are in that context, you have no idea who he would be. Some relationships fall a part once the partners move in together, for the better and for a good reason. That's the ultimate test of compatibility and most of all the will and capacity to achieve a healthy compromise.If he won't accept your reasons and thinks that you won't marry him because you don't love him, he could be either processing this or firmly believing it. If it's the first thing, in time he'll understand. But if it's the second thing, beware of emotional blackmail. I know it sounds romantic, but asking your mum before he asks you and makes sure that you have accepted his proposal is not right. It infantilizes you and puts additional pressure. Very much like those public proposals, where all the eyes are on the woman who should be grateful to this wonderful man who wants to marry her in this public display of affection.You should also question some more his feelings for him. It's ok to love and respect someone and not want to live with him, let alone marry him. I knew that I would never marry my first bf I didn't even want to move in with him and I was brutally honest about it, because I loved him. I cared about him, helped with all of his problems, was supportive... I just knew that we were too different. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. That's when I learned that sometimes no matter what you say people will have a preconceived idea and hard time letting go of it. When I broke up with him, he still hoped we would get together and get married. The best thing you can do is be direct with him but be warm and insist on the fact that you love him.Do it before things escalate. Do not give him time t further develop this fantasy of his, tell other people, buy a ring...
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