A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:I have posted before and thankfully we solved a little issue in our relationship. This may be hella stupid for me to be resentful of how he treated his ex, but I kind of am. Idk how true this is, I'm only hearing his side of the story, but apparently he really spoiled his ex (giving rides, paying bills etc). I pay for my own bills and we treat each other to food, he will drive to our dates. Somehow though I feel like he is holding back. I'm not gonna take advantage of anyone, but I also don't want my guy to think I'll always be doing everything. He has started to give me rides, after me complaining about taking the bus to his place. I don't demand he drive me everywhere as he said his ex did. He is afraid of me taking advantage of his gestures. Am I settling? I love spoiling my partners (not money wise), but I also love when my partner goes out of his way for me. I wish I could be more demanding, but I can't.
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female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (9 December 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAllumeuse The reason for rides issue isn't that I can't do it myself, its because its nice to have a partner who goes out of his way once in awhile. I am willing to take the bus to his place, but I wouldn't mind having a lift once in awhile. Btw I don't ask him for rides anywhere outside of dates or making a trip to his place.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2017):
 OP you have a lot off issues in your relationship, I remember all your other posts, about over thinking things, him not wanting to see you after holidays, him not giving you lifts home, him not texting you enough through the day and now it is how he treated his ex? OP you sound very unhappy in this relationship and for it being only a few months old it has had lots off issues. If you are so insecure and worried about all off this then I say end things with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello there. Without knowing all the ins and outs of this situation it is pretty hard to judge precisely what is going on here. So, I am going to answer generally.If you are dealing with a narcissist, then one of a narcissists tactics is to condition you to be the kind of 'attention supply' that they need/demand. You are given instructions of how to be under the guise of, often, a compliment (which it isn't - it is vehicle for instruction and control). E.g... I'm so glad you don't wear much make-up, my ex did (condition - to make you not wear makeup to please him and to control you). I'm so glad you take the bins out, my ex never did that - condition, take the bins out to please me and control you). In your case, you have been told an ex's behaviour which he doesn't want in YOU. "My ex demanded rides of me, you're not like, are you?". The conditioning here is - don't ask me for a ride unless you want to be my ex. Do you see that you have been (possibly) programmed not to ask for anything he doesn't want to give.What has happened in your psychology is, what is now reasonable to ask for? This is often the feelings associated with dealing with a narcissist. Am I wrong to want to be picked up? Will I upset HIM? What is correct? What is reasonable? Confusion...confusion...self doubt - which all plays to a narcissist's control.So - let's just say he isn't a narcissist and he is very wary of being used again and shared this with you. This means, he does not trust YOU not to be like her. You are not her and are picking up the bill for her abuse of his generosity. This also sucks. He is not healed from his distrust of women.Then there is the other 'female pride' side. His other girlfriend was treated 'better' than me and I'm not getting the same treatment as her. And so resentment creeps in. You think his other girlfriend received better treatment but you've been told he is wary of someone maybe taking advantage so..so where does that leave you? You are being pre-judged by the apparent standard of another girlfriend. I don't have all the information on this but I suggest you check out dealing with a narcissist (tons of stuff on youtube and online) - it just might change your life.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (31 October 2017):
So you want to be treated like his ex? Do you want to BE his ex? You seem to be going the right way about it. He treats you respectfully and fairly but he doesn't give you treats. Can't you equate that she is now his ex for a reason? Maybe it was because she asked him to do unreasonable stuff all the time. If you don't like taking the bus, buy a car or get an Uber! This man is your boyfriend, not your servant. Take some responsibility. Perhaps he wanted an equal for a partner,someone who stood on their own two feet, rather than relying on their man for lifts and treats like an entitled child. A team member to help with the lifting rather than someone he had to look after not in times of need or illness but all the time. If you want to be treated differently- get a new man. And don't ask to be like and ex, unless you want to be an ex.
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A
female
reader, Aleisha-Jay +, writes (31 October 2017):
 It's fine to want a little more effort from someone you care about.
Someone once told me never to expect anything from anyone otherwise you will end up disappointed and I definitely believe that because in the past i've expected more and been hurt when nothings changed which has then led to arguments and drifting.
Maybe speak with him and just say that you feel a little pushed back but do not mention his ex because it could put him on the defense.
Maybe things didn't work out with his ex because she isn't like you. She expected everything.
Your good and you should always remind yourself that you do not compare to any other woman. You are you and he is with you just because of that.
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