A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Here goes. I've been abnormal from the get-go, okay? All of my friends would blabber on and on about the floppy-haired fellow down the hall while my thoughts gravitated towards the lunch menu. I never seek out any boys myself, but I'll be damned if they don't try and make me theirs in any case. I'm so frustrated with it. I never learned how to say no, and I'm feeling the full effects.I am nearing my freshman year of high school and this is not, by any means, how I would like to start it off. I am with a boy who has supposedly been infatuated with me for years but is the conversational equivalent of a rock. Just when I had broken it off with a friend I never meant to date in the first place, either, he waltz in and makes me his girl. I have a growing resentment of the male gender. I can't connect emotionally or intellectually, let alone any of the other ways. I'm not even attracted to men, and I'm sick of convincing myself that I will fall in love with one of them one day. My only marginally functional relationships have been with women. I've acknowledged from the time I was very small that I looked at the world a tiny bit different from the rest. I can deal with the idea of varying slightly. But making a full jump, getting rid of the possibility of a straight life at any point in time? Makes me nervous, even if I could never imagine falling head over heels for a man anyhow. Is that understandable? Does it indicate that some piece of me is really into guys? I haven't had a genuine interest in any suitable males for... Really, for as long as I've been around. I don't find them hideous, but I am largely indifferent to them. Engaging one romantically is something distinctly uncharacteristic of my identity, I would say. But I am so unfortunately agreeable that I don't reject them when they come to me, and this is leading to a certain self-loathing as well. I don't want this.If there were a way to just quit it all, I think I would. But that doesn't necessarily point to me being a lesbian, either, does it? I could just as easily be a very unenthusiastic straight girl. I don't want to use my general lack of attraction as an excuse to break off from my "boyfriend", but it seems to be a contributing factor. I am very unhappy and most likely in the closet, but it's such tricky territory for a youth such as myself that I really can't act with confidence. I need some guidance, please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): I was reading this thinking wow you should be a writer or something, your writing is brilliant. But yes you should break up with your boyfriend if your not interested in him
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2014):
 Chin up, it will get better. Just focus on you, your educations, your family and your friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): I'm literally in the same situation as you, as in, I have no attraction to males but I do for women, yet don't know how to label myself! I've posted a question on here before and people have really helped me loads on the way to discovering who I am! Have a look back at some other questions on the same topic and see how they apply to you. It is nice to know people are going through something similar, and as you are quite young wait until you've left school it or whatever and then you have the time to express the person you want to be whether that makes gay straight or bi!And, in terms of this current boy you should just breake it off with him and say that you just don't have feelings for him and you don't want a relationship at all for the time being. Hope I've helped you slightly there :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much, really. I'm sorry if I came off as rude or insensitive at any point, but I'm making an effort from this point on to be completely honest about how I feel. That's the simplest way to get things done, right? Nobody really wins when you play pretend, and it's easier to reject them outright than smooth over the issue until it's like this... Wish I understood that before. *sigh* I'm going to let him know when I see him Monday. Obviously, if I'm not into him he has a right to know. I don't have to date anyone at all right now. That's a relief! You guys are right, I'm not ready for a relationship anyway. I have lots of problems to work out and my problems should be nobody's trouble but mine. That being said, I really appreciate your honest opinions on the situation! It gets a little confusing when everything blends together up there, you know? Labels /are/ pretty uncomfortable. I must have been seeking to oversimplify myself. That won't fix much either though, right? It's really stressful. I'm attracted to females, but that just means I'm attracted to females. I'm biased against males, but that's only because I've had a rotten time of it so far. Those things don't mean anything but exactly what they mean. I'm overthinking it.I think I'll take the rest of the year off. Exercise my refusal skills and whatnot. Pretty important stuff, clearly. And whether I'm gay or straight or some wacky in-between, that can wait for when I know myself better. Sounds good.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2014):
I would just tell him you aren't really ready to date ANYONE right now. And leave it at that. If you are NOT ready to come out as a lesbian (and you sound like you aren't sure about your sexuality yourself) then don't label yourself. There is no need. NOR do you owe him a private and intimate excuse for breaking up.
Uncle der_zyniker is right, YOU need to work on learning to say no. Just because a guy wants to DATE you doesn't mean you HAVE to date him, seriously. Just because EVERYONE else is "dating" in your age group doesn't mean you HAVE to, specially if you feel the way you do about boys.
Once you get in HS you can look into LGBT groups, doesn't make you gay to support LGBT, but you might get some insight for yourself.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (23 February 2014):
Don't decide on one type of food before you've actually sampled the rest of the buffet. At 14 you're still half in the chrysalis (please believe me when I say I'm not being patronizing) and you'd be surprised how much things can change over time and as you react to experiences as and when they occur. By all means experiment if you want to, while you're figuring yourself out, but don't label yourself indelibly just yet. As for this fellow, if you like him platonically file him in The Friend Zone. 'At your age' (sorry, loathsome expression) nothing more is or should be expected of you anyway.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 February 2014):
 You are extremely well spoken for someone your age. Good for you! You sound like you think about things quite a bit and you've done your share of self-analyzing.
Honestly, I think you need to lay off a little bit! You are stressing out about finding a label for yourself to put your mind at ease, when in reality - you don't need a label. You don't need to shove yourself into a box. Don't worry so much! Maybe you're not into guys, maybe you're just not excited about any available to you, or maybe you're just not ready for a relationship at all. (Maybe all three?)
As you get older, you will figure out your sexuality. It may take several years... hell, it might take several decades and maybe when you're 80 you'll still be surprised by who you're attracted to. Just chill out and let yourself be attracted to whoever you are attracted to. As you dabble in a variety of relationships. you'll figure out what and who is right for you. At the end of the day, it's not really important what gender someone is - it's whether or not you are attracted to them, whether they make you happy and whether or not you're compatible.
Oh yeah, and dump the guy you're with now. Anybody who you compare to a rock is clearly not the right person for you. Even if you compare them to a quartz or some lovely rock - a rock is a rock is a rock. Nobody should date a rock.
My guess is that you just haven't found anybody who excites you (male or female) and that you're just not ready for a relationship quite yet. Don't pressure yourself into deciding "who you are" when who you will become is the result of a long journey ahead of you.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): You are still very young, many teens yr age feel a little confused or unsure of their sexuality at times, and may be unsure of who they like and why. Yes you may be lesbian, you may also be bi, or as you said "an unenthusiastic straight girl" who is not into guys at the moment, doesn't mean you never will be.
Give yrself time to work out who you are, and who you are attracted to, whether its guys or girls or both it's ok. Its OK if your not into the floppy haired good looking senior, no one says you have to be.
You don't have to come out to yr bf, that's not needed, but I would suggest that you break it off with him.
He made you his gf the wrong way , you were not really into him anyway, that's him being insensitive, (not even really asking you)and him rushing into things.
You don't love him and don't want to date him, it is not fair to him or you to be with each other, you don't have to be unkind to him, (better not to be that sort of person) make whatever excuse you want "We don't have much in common" etc etc
You need time for yrself, to work things out in yr head.
There are support groups for gay,lesbian bi and transgendered teens, look online and there may be some in yr area, or there may be an online group/site or forum you can join in, you don't have to be alone in this, there are lots of other guys and girls who are just as confused as you are, you may make some understanding friends, which is always good. Might be worth a thought anyway.
Don't hate yrself, you are an OK person, as good as anyone!
You just need time to work things out.
Sorry if this doesn't help, but I do know how you felt at yr age, I only wish there was the resources that there is now for young people/teens.
All the best
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (23 February 2014):
Well I guess the first thing to do is to break it off with your current boyfriend. Even if you are straight, it's clear that it won't work out and this relationship will inevitably end anyway. You aren't interested in him, so you're really just wasting your time. Also, consider how he feels. He probably likes you a lot. The sooner you end it, the less it will hurt for him.
In terms of you not being able to connect emotionally or intellectually with boys, that could be because they're 14 or 15 year old boys. Girls are typically more mature than boys at your age. In terms of maturity, boys typically aren't on the same level as girls until the end of high school or beginning of college.
Now whether or not you are gay is a question only you can answer. This isn't something you are going to figure out over night. I myself am gay and I began to notice that I was attracted to boys when I was 11. I resisted my attraction and tried to tell myself that it was just a phase. I tried to deny it and made every excuse that I could think of. I wasn't able to fully accept that I am gay until I was 16. The hardest part about accepting the fact that I'm gay was that it meant that I would probably never have biological children.
The fact that you're having the thoughts and feeling that you are doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay. My only advise on this matter is that you need to be completely honest with yourself. If you are gay, don't try to fight it. The one feeling that I would try to fight is your resentment towards men. The thing that you need to understand is that you are dealing with boys, not men. You shouldn't just write off half of the human population just because they're males. It's fair to them and most of them haven't done anything to you. Speaking from experience, the only thing resentment can do is hurt you.
You also have to learn to say no and you need to figure that out now. If a guy asks you out and you don't like him, tell him no. If he gets mad at you because of it, that really isn't your problem. The consequences for not being able to say no right now aren't that high, but the stakes will get higher. You don't want to find yourself in a situation where you're in real trouble because you couldn't say no.
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