A
male
age
51-59,
*urvaturaNove
writes:My wife and I are going through a separation after 26 years together. We have a 9-years-old daughter. Should we tell her the truth now? I have been transferred to another town for work for more than a year and during this time I went home to see my family once in two weeks. My wife never came to visit me and in one of her letters, she confessed that she had stopped loving me 10 years ago but continued staying with me according to her "good principles". We have sold our house and by the end of February we shall move out. My wife and my daughter are going to stay in her mother's house in a nearby town and my daughter will have to move to a new school. I plan to tell our daughter about our separation this summer (I love my daughter as much as her mother does and I just don't feel like telling her all at once --- she is sad enough with the fact of having to sell our house and going to new school). I shall continue coming home and seeing them like I have always done for this past one year, but my wife does not agree. She will talk to our daughter the next weekend when I come home. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 You poor man. This is not OK, and it is not OK for your daughter to be under the control of her mother (and grandmother) only. She has a right to see her father, and her father has a right not to be abused in this way.
You say that your wife is a good mother, but in some ways she is failing her daughter very badly here.
I am not quite sure what country you are from (sorry : ( - not so good on flags!) - but you should be able to put this before a court, and get proper, normal, healthy access to your daughter, and a lot of other things besides sorted out. The court must help and support you in this - that it what it is there for. Good luck and have faith, and don't let this woman rule your life like this just because you had feelings over a decade ago for each other. No. She isn't behaving in a way that deserves that.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 "Apart from kicking me in front of my family and calling me "Useless Piece of Sh*t" in front of our friends" It has been my experience that if a man or a woman verbally abuses someone, then physically abuses someone, they will do it to anyone. It is just a matter of time. I question the safety of your daughter and I do not think it is unreasonable for a court to do the same. I would start divorce proceedings as soon as possible and seek full custody of your child.
"I have never stopped caring for her, though slowly year after year she treated me merely as her "BANK" The same thing has happened to me. I am sorry this has happened to you.
"Was I stupid for being way too patient?" I do not think you were being "stupid" you were being optimistic and I think that's great!
"worried that she will start contaminating my daughter's mind." I would be surprised if this has not started to happen already.
"My daughter misses me and it stabs my heart to know that next weekend I shall accompany her to her favourite luna park and restaurant basically to confirm that her mother and I are no longer together, and we shall never be" You can control what you say and do not say to your daughter. Be honest but if there is something you don't want to talk about right away just tell her that the two of you will talk about it one day but not today. I truly wish you all the best my friend.
...............................
A
male
reader, CurvaturaNove +, writes (21 February 2011):
CurvaturaNove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNatasia and FirstLoveLastLove, thank you for your kind replies. My (ex)wife, remains firm and her mother as well does not support my idea of telling our daughter about our divorce later in summer. Her mother even forbids me to come to her house, which means that everytime I come to see my daughter I shall have to take her out, only the two of us; my wife does not want to participate.
I am devastated with this decision. I still believe that it would be better if my daughter, at least, adjusted herself to the new environment, new school, new activities, and new friends. My wife, as always, treats my words and my ideas as chunk of rubbish... One of many reasons why we end up this situation... Apart from kicking me in front of my family and calling me "Useless Piece of Sh*t" in front of our friends... I knew that sooner or later I would have to leave, but I believed that somehow there was still some good in her, the woman I met 26 years ago --- and I continued holding on for the sake of our daughter...
Like she mentioned in many of her letters, she had stopped loving me ten years ago due to "irreconcilable differences". We met when we were too young and people change, we all know this... I have never stopped caring for her, though slowly year after year she treated me merely as her "BANK" (she had never worked...) Was I stupid for being way too patient? I continued asking and reflecting what went wrong between the two of us, but I realized that she and I could no longer sit together and discuss, we no longer understood each other... Counseling didnot work, either...
The last time we had arguments via phone-call and I asked for separation, she reacted in a manner worse than all those that I had ever seen... (--- My daughter was in Granny's house ---) After she hung up, she called my 80-years-old mother and told her that she wanted to ruin my life, that I was a drug-trafficker, and that she had all necessary proof to destroy me... Things that of course, were invented by her; I work as Hotel Manager and the only drug I use is cigarette...
She is a good mother, but I am so much worried that she will start contaminating my daughter's mind... I call my daughter every day and we communicate via SMS frequently. My daughter misses me and it stabs my heart to know that next weekend I shall accompany her to her favourite luna park and restaurant basically to confirm that her mother and I are no longer together, and we shall never be...
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (21 February 2011):
The child is only nine years old. I think her having to move from her home and from her school is enough change for a good long while. Let her enjoy her childhood longer. If it was me I wouldn't tell the child anything about the status of the marriage. You said "I shall continue coming home and seeing them like I have always done for this past one year". I think that's great! Unless you or your wife are planning to remarry I would not bother the child with any more news of "change" for a good long while. I hope this helps!
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 February 2011):
Personally I agree that you shouldn't put everything on yr daughter at once. I would tell her later, as well. Or even why make a big thing of telling her?? Just let your lift continue as it does, and your visiting as it does. Don't even discuss it.
I didn't use to think like this, but experiences over the past couple of years have made me realise that sometimes it is better Not to make a big thing of something.
...............................
|
