A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now but we were close friends for 2 years before that.I have been raped twice. The first time I was pregnant as a result and it was ectopic. The first time was when I was 16 and I'd had too much to drink. I was in a club using my friend's ID and a guy in the army told me he would drive me back to his house and we could watch a film. I must've been so f***ing stupid to believe that. When he started making a move on me I rejected him. Then he told me he wouldn't drive me home unless I had sex with him. I didn't know what to do and all I wanted was to go home so I did it. I took the morning after pill form A and E a few hours later. I was told I was ectopically pregnant 1 month after as I collapsed at college and was taken to hospital. I had to have an operation and I lost one of my fallopian tubes. I have always blamed myself for the whole thing but as I got older I realised that he forced me, and that's rape- Even though I let it happen.The year after, when I was 17, I was walking home from my brother's house when I was attacked. It was very late and dark but I was so close to my house. I have never fully recovered from it.When my boyfriend and I got together I told him about the pregnancy and I told him that I was raped and that's how I got pregnant. But in conversations since then when I've confided in him about being attacked, I've talked about the second time as that's what has affected me so badly. I never told him about the first time. So as far as he's concerned I was attacked when I was walking home when I was 16 and I became pregnant from it. But that isn't true.I feel like I've lied but I never actually said that. How can I tell somebody I love that I've been raped twice? I've never told anybody about the second time because I didn't want the police involved and I was too ashamed. I'm so scared he won't believe me. I know he would never tell me that but I'm scared he would even have an inch of doubt.I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lied, but I didn't do it on purpose. Confiding in him about the second time was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't think I could bear explaining this to him.What if he thinks I'm disgusting?Please somebody help me figure out what to do. And if I should tell him, how should I tell him?
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female
reader, nisha_ab2003  +, writes (20 March 2012):
Hi, we were always told that women are weak, but actually we're a lot more stronger thatn any guys. You are a very strong lady to be able to endure all these. Really respect you for that. In my opinion, when we love someone so much, why bother a past that will hurt them? Remember that this is the PAST and you want to live your FUTURE with him. I understand that this is something that you'll never be able to forget. But it'll make it worse when it keeps reminding you about it. You cant undo what had happened by telling him. At the same time, it'll definitely hurt him a lot. Any man will be terribly hurt when they know that the woman they love being hurt by other man. So, why bother to tell him a past that will hurt him? As for yourself, it'll take time. Definitely time cant heal, but it'll make it better. All the best for your future.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 If you dont tell him then you will be carrying this pain with you, for no fault of your own. That monster who raped you is now living life blissfully unaware of you, but you are having to bare the consequence of his actions. It is not your fault OP, and you should be able to talk about it, you should tell people what happened to you so that others can learn from your mistake of trusting a random guy. That was your only mistake but in no way does that justify in a million years, the price that you have had to pay for it.
Your boyfriend should not judge you for what you have been through. If he is a good guy then he will understand and stand by you. If he's disgusting enough to judge you and leave you because of that, then you have your answer. Would YOU rather be with such a man?
And most importantly OP, you need counselling to help you deal with your past. Dont shut it out, instead talk about it, voice your pain and dont ever be afraid of being judged. You are not at fault.
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A
female
reader, Deagan  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I also say that you should refrain from bringing it up again.
You have to answer this for yourself, but what good will it do reopening this issue again? Why should it change what the two of you have right now?
I know you've had a difficult past, but you can't change it, so try not to dwell on it; but perhaps try and focus on you, your relationship and your future.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 This is a difficult thing.
I think no man should think that the victim is to blame in any case of rape. That said, there are some people who do think that way, or, more importantly, act that way. He seems not to be that kind of person. He seems not to blame you.
On the other hand, some people could conceivably not have problem with someone being raped once, but they might change if you tell them "twice". Do you think he would do that?
Some people could say it's not his business after all, and that you don't need to say. On the other hand, some people could also think that you're just confiding in the person you love, and that you don't want to keep secrets about serious matters.
You do seem to blame yourself for the first time. You're not to blame.
Maybe you're afraid that he will find out and leave you.
I think that maybe you should not say anything else. If he were to know later, you could say exactly what is on your mind now. A sensible man would understand. If he didn't, then, sorry, but you need someone who will understand.
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