A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background:I am 22 years old and am just graduating with a university degree and am going on to get my masters. When I was 18 and in my first year of university I was having some financial problems because I found out that I did not qualify for student loans because my parents make too much money; however, they refused to pay for my schooling because they believed that it was not their responsability. At this point I was terrified that i would have to drop out of school. My parents told me to appeal the decision, which I was doing, but I did not believe that I would win the appeal and be granted student loans just because my parents would not pay. I was very stressed out and felt very scared at the prospect of having to drop out of university. On top of this, it was the first time I was on my own and I was working as a waitress but was barely making enough money to live off of. I was also very angry, anxious, and depressed and drinking a lot to cope. After giving it some thought, I decided that my only choice was to get a job that would pay enough that I could save up to pay for school and all of my other expenses. This led to me becoming an escort. I worked as an escort for a year, but then I found out that I had won the appeal and would be granted student loans. I immediatly quit escorting and got two part time jobs working with people who have disabilities, which is the field I want to get in to after my education. I totally changed my life and started hanging out with people who were very conservative and some who were religious. They did not know what I used to do and would have not been okay with it if they knew. I always felt a lot of shame about this. I was also celibate for two years so that I could get my head on straight and because I was roomates with one of my religious friends.Anyhow, now that you know the background, I have just met a guy who I have been on a couple of dates with. He seems very nice and kind and seems to really like me. However, he has a mother who cheated on his father who he seems to really resent for her decision and he seems to think that monogamy and relationships are very important. He has been in several relationships before as well. We are now at a point where I think he is hinting at having sex, but honestly I do not know if I can.When working as an escort you kind of turn off your mind and become a different person. Outside of work I have never been in a relationship and I think that escorting has caused some intamacy issues. I did not realize how much working as an escort affected me, but it really has. I do not know how couples are supposed to act as I pretty much only did the porn start experience while escorting, which included always pretending you were enjoying yourself. I do not know how to have sex without acting. I also cannot stand kissing or cuddling as these things seem very intimate and are something you do not do as an escort. I can't seem to get over this. I also am struggling with whether i should tell the guy about my past. I feel that I would be dishonest not to tell the guy about my past profession before we have sex, but don't want him to think of me that way or expect too much of me in bed. So I have a few questions:1) Should I tell him? Is it dishonest not to? Will he think i am a slut?(p.s. outside of work i had only ever slept with one person when i was drunk)2) If you were/are a guy and a girl told you that she used to be an escort, how would you react?3) How do I get over my intimacy issues? What is normal sex in a relationship like?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 June 2012):
1 - Agree with those below who suggested counseling. You have to get right with this before you expect anyone else to.2 - He absolutely has the right to know. You would want to know, anyone would. He then has the right to make his own decision.3 - If you dont tell him, do know that you are intentionally hiding something from him and your relationship will have this dark secret you will always be worrying about. He'll eithet be ok with it, or he wont. You have to take your chances here. Lying by omission is not going to help either of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): As long as you don't have an STD I say no need to tell him. It could really put him off if you did.
I suppose you could tell him after some time has past and you've found out that his mindset is ok with your past job.
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A
male
reader, j127  +, writes (23 June 2012):
Learn to forgive yourself.Just move on with your life and don't tell him anything. Sometimes bringing up such unpleasant issues that have been buried only complicates matters and makes our lives miserable.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 June 2012):
 1. Yes, it would be dishonest not to tell. Who knows what he would think? Love can overcome a lot, but you indicate that this is a very new relationship - so love would not seem to be an issue at this time.
2. If told that a new girlfriend had been as escort, I would not think of a long term relationship, but I'm fairly conservative regarding with whom I would consider anything like a marriage. A "friendship" might be ok.
3. Intimacy comes naturally when you're really in love.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Before you tell him a thing I suggest you choose to get some independent professional counselling. You chose a solution when you were young and you were not getting the support you needed from your parents.
It was a risky decision but you felt you had no choice.
But it has left you with some issues that could derail you enjoying a healthy sex life with your man unless you first address some of the issues with a qualified non-judgemental professional counsellor.
What you experienced and saw as an escourt resulted in your 'turning off' during sex in order to cope with the work you chose to do.
Because of his background I beleive you need some additional support and some working through the issues before you will be ready to reveal anything, if and when you do, or do not. Because it is solely your choice.
But a better outcome for you is likely if you first discuss it with a counsellor.
Particularly one who is well versed with the issues surrounding your situation
If there is a single ounce of doubt lurking within you then you are better to find out how to deal with it first. You could discreetly attend once a week or regularly but less often than that. It would only take one hour for each session. And one hour of your time will hardly be missed but could make a huge positive difference to your future.
Try not to be impatient, yet, to unload it on him. His past and his experiences may not equip him to handle it well. And if he is too quick to judge then the next thing he might do is tell his mother and tell the world.
Caution, and some counselling first would be the best way to support you, first and foremost.
It is your future you are talking about.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 June 2012):
I would not tell him as its in your past and its nobodys business except yours. you are not doing it now and you will never go back to it, it was something you did when you felt you had no choice. some people especially guys can be really judgemental about such things and you dont want it brought up in every argument or worse still someone telling your parents. it just shows how motivated you were to complete your studies and this drive is to be commended. Im sorry Im not able to answer your other questions but I strongly advise you keep this to yourself, you dont want your family/loved ones judging you for one thing which you did out of desperation and thats not who you are. good luck in your future
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