A
female
age
30-35,
*oad22
writes:I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. He felt we could work through what we had, but I was tired of him saying he would change and not seeing any attempts/difference. We were together for just over a year. The reason I broke it also is because he was getting ver serious, bought and engagement ring and was talking children, but wasnt really 'manning up' to a man I could picture myself marrying. Im sorry if that sounds stuck up, but I have believe in thinking ahead with big decisions like that.I am 22, he is 25.I still have feelings for him,and still very physically attracted, but could see things were not going to change as they were. He gave me my space, and weve only been in contact the last few weeks.He tried dating,said it didnt work, all he can think about is me, still loves me and I 'have the key to his heart' He also said he has had a major reality check. I have no had big dnms with him, or returned (verbally) his feelings cause that would just be messy.But, I slipped up, and hooked up with him. :( It was amazing, but I know it just doesnt work with 2 recent exes and feeling still involved. He then asked me on a date, I said no Im not dating anyone at the moment, Im having time to be myself and single.I have been asked on many dates, went on one months ago but realized I was so not ready for that.What do I do??Wait it out and see if losing me trigger longterm change? (he had anger and control issues, nothing physical, see my other q if needed)Or has it not been long enough?Im detremined if I get back with him it will be for real, but I dont want to do it if nothings changed.Help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): "Should I get back with my ex with the hope that he really has changed?"
No, you should get back with your ex with the long-term
indisputable physical evidence and unwavering emotional indication that he really has ALREADY changed beyond all
reasonable doubt, which will never happen because, as Sageoldguy has so elegantly and economically stated, people DON'T CHANGE; once ex gets the message you've finally wised up to him, he'll quickly move on to some other needy clingy chick with whom he can play mind games.
As Sageoldguy and I have repeatedly advised other posters: Don't believe what a guy SAYS, believe what a guy DOES.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 What do you do??? The answer is RIGHT HERE in your submittal. To wit: "...I was tired of him saying he would change and not seeing any attempts/difference..."
There are oodles of women (and men) who live in misery because they are STILL waiting for their cad/man(woman)/friend to "change."
People DON'T CHANGE!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Hundreds of years ago a couple often had a contract worked out that spelled out the expectations on both sides.
Without it being a formal thing have you ever sat down and worked out what your respective expectations of each other are and likely to be in the long term future?
And if there are issues already (anger and control issues) then what is he doing, or what could be do to address those anger and control issues.
Just feeling a strong physical attraction for him is not going to carry the relationship for the next 50 years if you do get together.
You are drawn to himn and he is interested in you.
But you have had issues in the past that have caused the relationship to falter.
So open up the dialogue.
You will soon see if he has changed, or not.
You will soon see if his anger issues still smolder
Establish on both sides your attitudes to budgeting, saving and spending. Be honest about what you owe and how well you save or do not save.
Establish your attitudes to parenting, discipline, child rearing. To education: what kind of education?
How you want to live
things that are deal breakers for each of you
Get it all out in the open and work through the issues. If you cannot do it now then you cannot guarantee the relationship will be strong enough to withstand the pressures.
Even enroll in some couples counselling before you get back together just to explore the issues with a third party present - before you even consider getting back together.
There are only so many break ups you can endure with the one person before you will feel like giving up.
It would be a shame to lose him if he really is the ONE
and it would be tragic to not find out for another ten years that he is not the man for you.
Good Luck.
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