A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Five years ago I had an off and on physical relationship with a married woman who I work with. I was single at the time. We still work together but it ended well and there is no bad blood between us but she can be Vindictive if she wants to be. In the past six months I have grown very close to another woman I work with and we both feel very strongly about each other. She has been married before and her first husband cheated on her. This is someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Even though we were barely acquaintances at the time the other events occurred I have been feeling a strong obligation to tell her about what happend even though there is a distinct possibility that if I tell her I will lose her forever. My fear is that some day it would come out and not from me, which would be worse than if I told her myself. Should I tell her about the relationship or is it best left in the past?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): There are three possible reasons why your GF would have the right to know:#1. If you are still working with this other married woman today, or you still have any sort of contact or relationship with her (even just friends), or if your GF knows her. These things mean she is not in the past but rather the present. #2. If your GF asks whether you have ever slept with married women, you owe her an honest answer or else a no comment. No lying. #3. You just feel like its lying about yourself to keep this from your GF. If you know she would take it very seriously and she is wrongly assuming that you aren't capable of doing such a thing.
A
female
reader, Ms. Cookie +, writes (4 May 2013):
Sounds like first married woman may be jealous of you seein g another married woman? is #1 still married? perhaps you should look for others to date that you DONT work with...just a thought. don't shit where you eat...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): No reason to say anything. There are some secrets that should never be told and one can live with one happily for the rest of his or her life. I have some that I never told my now separated husband.
It is sad that everybody is holier than thou. We have all done things in life we may have regretted or something which does not make us perfect or moral in the judgmental eyes of the world. But that is life. We are all human.
Everybody is judgmental. Well, you can earn that right when you look in the mirror and can say to yourself honestly you have never done anything that you were not proud of.
I have had several emotional affairs with married men. They never went further than that. Involved in one now. People have their reasons for these situations happening. They realize what is going on but are doing it anyway. Others looking in will never walk in my shoes or understand why I am doing this. But they will judge. That is certain.
You fell for a married woman. You should not be condemned for it or forced to expose the truth. It happened and now it is in your past. Leave it there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): This is a tough one. And a really hard thing to do, but you really need to be honest with her, especially because of what happened to her and the environment you both work in. You need to make sure that you give her absolutely no reason to doubt your committment to her and prove often that you learned from the choice you made to get involved with a married women in the past. If this women is the one, you will come clean and do the right thing. If this girl is the one, she will appreciate your honesty and will be able to not hold your screw-up against you. If she can't deal with it and she does break it off, you have to accept that you were not meant to be, as hard as it is.You could take the easy road here and keep it to yourself. I mean past relationships are in the past, and it's not necessary for a partner to know all the details. Reality is, you are a huge risk as a partner because you didn't have enough sense to stay away from the married women in the first place, kept it going and now you are faced with a women you really care for, who is probably working double emotional duty to be able to trust someone again. You have a lot to think about...bottom line, honesty is always best. Trying to keep it a secret and not telling her is a lot worse then lying sometimes...keeping certain information to one's self can translate to a women, "what else do you have to hide, could be lying about or not telling me".
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 I'd say come clean and tell her. This will then give her the choice as to whether she would like to start a relationship with you. My worries would be that a) you keep targeting women at work and b) you have no qualms in having an affair with someone who is already taken! Now, I have experience of this with my now husband. When he was in his early twenties (so over 20 years ago), he had an affair with a married woman where he worked. He fessed up when we got together and I did wonder why he told me but I'm glad he did. Did I judge him - oh yes, you bet ya. I spoke with his best friend who he had also confessed to and his best friend also judged him and in fact, felt very uncomfortable about leaving his then partner and my now husband together, because he felt he couldn't be trusted, despite them knowing each other for many years. We both questioned how on earth he was able to do this. My now husband felt relieved at telling us, but he also had to suffer the slings and arrows which we fired at him. He had enough other good qualities which allowed me to overlook this digression. It was funny because I came home one day and he looked rather pale. Turns out his old married fling came back to haunt him on FB. On his behalf, I sent her a message basically telling her to do one. I said my partner was now haunted by what he had done, but she clearly wasn't as she was trying to make contact. We've never heard from her again. Prepare for this women to not want a relationship with you and also prepare yourself for the slings and arrows that may come your way. It's called Karma, and she can be a bitch but you chose to piss on the sanctity of marriage so be prepared for the fallout!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): what happened in your past should be left in the past.it happened when she was not in the picture-she must have a past too.you and your gf should worry about the future.if you think she is mature enough then you should think about discussing it.is the married lady still working you and your gf.all the luck.
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