A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I am very confused. Me and my partner recently split up and just got back together, and I just found out by looking at his phone (bad I know but I had a gut feeling) that he was casually involved with another woman during the break. I know it's not entirely wrong since we had broken up, but we were only split up for less than a week after a stupid row and I don't believe he thought of it as a permanent split. I know that he met with her two or three times and they did a lot of sexting in between meeting. In the messages I saw, he asked her at one point if they could have sex without a condom next time and she replied "no" because she wasn't on any birth control and said it wasn't appropriate anyway for a casual thing. But I know he doesn't like condoms and I am worried in case they did have unprotected sex the second time they met. Also, that was only 2 days before we got back together! I am worried about this relationship. Worried that he would go and have - possibly - unprotected sex and get back with me without being honest. It seems very disrespectful and I'm furious that he would put me at risk like that.Also, should I be offended that he had casual sex with someone during the - very brief - break? Is that normal? Since I told him what I saw on his phone, he has told her he can't see her anymore - she was fine with that - and blocked her on his phone (he let me watch while he sent the last message and then blocked her) but I also know that she lives only a few minutes away from him, and I worry that if we have another row he will contact her - or someone else - and do the same thing. I know she's older than him but she's good looking - they exchanged explicit photos - and he'd texted her "you're gorgeous" and "I want you" and other things. What should I do?Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): This is the original poster, I can't work out how to use the verification code sorry.The argument/ break up was about him going out and getting so drunk that he didn't get home until 3am - we don't live together but that's what he told me - and he cycled home while very drunk, so drunk he couldn't remember cycling home but fell off his bike at some point, and woke up and thought he'd been burgled the next day but actually it was him knocking stuff over. He doesn't make a habit of it, but we had plans that evening and he had just disappeared saying it was a work thing. Then we had a row the following morning, and then he got hold of this woman's number from somewhere and the conversation on his phone starts the same afternoon ... he went to meet her that evening. In all honesty, it wasn't really a break, at least not to me, just a cooling off period after an argument. We were mending things, talking things through, while he was arranging to have sex again.He's domineering and persuasive, and I am not sure I want this reconciliation. I needed the evidence from the phone to give myself a kick up the backside I think. When I read the messages, I could see that he annoyed the other woman a few times with some suggestions - not just the idea of unprotected sex, but also other things including a 15 minute booty call that she turned down, and other sexual acts she didn't want to do. Not sure I want him any more, not the other woman she does when I look back at the conversation - I emailed it from his whatsapp to myself when I first saw it and it turns my stomach. Anyway I think she might be welcome to him :(
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): You took your boyfriend back under with the intention of healing what was broken, and working things out.
I might suggest in the future, that you don't use breaking-up for "dramatic-effect." If you breakup...that's it. Most sneaky guys use that as an excuse to get some nookie on the side, as your boyfriend did. He knew you would take him back. You always do.
When an argument gets too heated, learn how to retreat to opposite corners to regain your bearings and cool down tempers. Then apologize. You must leave each other alone to cool off. Arguments are two sides refusing to compromise; each side insisting they are right. Both sides wants something about the other to change. It's not just about the particular subject under dispute, there are a lot of peripheral issues you've never resolved that added more heat to it. Does this make any sense to you?
Then there is the problem of incompatibility. People (usually one within the couple) resisting the truth, and riding around on square-wheels. Wondering why they never get a smooth ride? Could it be that you just don't fit?
Love for the other, is usually the excuse for sticking it out in pure misery. That holds no water. The real truth is weakness and insecurity. Fear of being alone. Oh, and there's a lot of issues dragged in as baggage; that the other person didn't expect they had to deal with.
When you're pissed off beyond control, and you feel a fight coming on. Learn how to leave the reason for the disagreement open for "discussion." Mutually agree to keep it on table to be discussed like mature adults; without anger and inflated egos to throw you off track. Let cooler heads prevail. You'll get to the meat of the matter, and you're more likely to draw a compromise. Everybody wins.
If you have a problem to resolve. Fix it, once and for all. That is how good relationships survive.
When you let little things pile up, tension builds. It then becomes an uncontrollable blow-out.
Control your flair for dramatics. If you throw him out. Change the locks and rewire your thinking. He doesn't get another chance. Let him sleep with whomever he pleases.
Worry about your own vagina and who you give to. THERE ARE OTHER MEN OUT THERE, AND A LOT LESS TROUBLE!!! They come already complete; and don't need you to fix them. Fix yourself first. You'll like the results, and so will a better quality of men. You'll become confident about what to do when you meet someone who doesn't fit. You won't take them back because of jealousy, or fear you won't find anyone else. Thing run like clockwork. You hit a snag, your work it out. If he's too stupid and stubborn to compromise and work with you. Out he goes with the rubbish!
"But sir, my question is should I take my boyfriend back after discovering he had a fling during our split?" "Why are you lecturing me?"
You have taught your boyfriend how to get a time-out from the relationship to go out and get some sex on the side. Piss you off, and he can have some fun during his little vacation from your relationship. He knows you're a drama-queen; and you'll throw a dramatic hissy-fit. You'll scream "it's over, get out!" Only a week later, you've cooled off. Now you're wondering if he's cheating, and want to take him back. That's why you snooped, little lady!
Don't take offense. You are both too old for that. You're mature enough to discuss your problems and resolve them.
Not let anger take control of the situation. Let tact, common-sense, and maturity prevail.
You shouldn't have taken him back. He has become a handful emotionally; and he's frustrating you. He has the stronger personality, and he usually gets the long end of the stick. You kicked him out. The first thing he did was go seek unprotected sex with another woman. Now you tell me if you should have taken him back? The other woman was smart enough to tell the jerk go screw himself. She cares about the risks of unprotected sex.
You snooped because you didn't trust him. This lack of trust is what lead up to the breakup. He is an asshole you're trying to reform, and mold into a boyfriend with a hammer and a chisel. Your snooping hit the jackpot, and forced you to face the ugly truth. He doesn't want a committed relationship, and he wants unprotected sex.
Blocking her and deleting the pictures was an empty gesture. She lives on his block. That performance was purely for your benefit. To come home and rest his weary head. He's already had the taste of freedom; and he's got you right where he wants you.
If you can't go through the day, without all this stuff nagging at your mind. Then make up your own mind. I've given you enough to think about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): To be honest, OP, a bit of rebound sex after breaking up is the least of your worries (but yeah, STD's are a very real risk so be careful until he gets tested regardless of whether he used condoms because they don't protect against all STD's).
You broke up over an argument that's a problem.
It means you have either have an issue that neither of you can agree on that means you're probably not compatible or it means you can't argue well at all without it becoming so severe you need to break up.
I understand you came here specifically for advice on what to do about the other woman, but frankly there's nothing we can say except give our personal opinion. It's easy to say you were broken up and it doesn't count but that's not going to do anything for the emotional kick in the teeth that it is. What you do here, OP is down to you and whether you can cope with and get over the idea that he was very quick to jump into the arms of another woman instead of working on fixing what you have.
Now he's gotten his and he's come back too. He has created a bit of an imbalance, because while you were in a bad place trying to figure out what to do, he'd already gone out and gotten it on with someone else. It's almost as if he was only waiting for the chance.
OP I'm a man who never gets back with exs. I have done in the past and it never worked out. It's a fools game, if we can't work on our issues together then we don't have a relationship, if we need to break up in order to solve a problem then that's just not sustainable because nothing gets resolved by breaking up, you only think it has because the desperation and pain is enough for you to think whatever you were fighting about was not worth it. But it always comes back once you relax again, and the next fight then is about the same thing and cycle continues.
In my opinion instead of focusing on the woman, focus on what it was that made you break up. I mean do you know how petty and ridiculous it is to use breaking up as a tool to win an argument? Do you not see how bad it is that one fight ended this relationship? Or is this just something you and he do all the time? Because that's worse.
OP you're focussed on the wrong thing. Time to gain some perspective. You have bigger issues with this man than a quick rebound fling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): Wow! He didn't waste any time. Did he?
If it was only a week-long split, and he didn't believe it was permanent, then you two were still committed to each other. And that makes what he did equal to cheating. No. I wouldn't take him back after that if I were you. He disrespected you in numerous ways. What's more, he will likely hook up with this woman again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 It will sound as a lame advice but perhaps is less lame than it sounds . You should not row again and / or split up again, and if you do- that's it, take it as a sign that you are not compatible , move on and make it a permanent split, don't embark on a silly frustrating cycle of on again / off again. You already split up once, Ok, second chance to fix things on both sides and make it better. If it happens AGAIN, then you are not right for each other.
That refers to the future, what about the past ?
Did your bf had the " right " to have sex with another woman as soon as were split up ?
... Ross says yes . Rachel says no. They made a whole 10 years sit-com ( " Friends" ) basically based on this dilemma.
I'd say yes, technically he could do all he wanted. You can't PROVE that he knew you were going to get back together . And even if ...? he was not cheating on anybody, maybe he wanted to take advantage of his newfound space of freedom to make different sexual experiences which he could not do when committed.
But that would mean he does not really care, he does not love you, he did not miss you...
No. Not necessarily. There's rebound sex, there's revenge sex, there's comfort sex, there's " it will take my mind off things "sex, there's " that will show her " sex...
Obviously your bf is someone who ,if needs be, can keep feelings and sex neatly separated , and in that he is surely far from unusual.
As for the no condom issue, .. not a good idea, but, his choice. It's a tad too much ask that he should have kept in mind that probably you were going to get back together in a week. Again, he did not KNOW . Maybe he hoped, and wished so, but, at the state of things, for all he knew you could even be going to be apart forever. His might have been a risky choce, but that concerned him, not you. Life would get very complicated if one should always act based on the chance they'll get beack with an ex... uhm, I want to cut my hair short, but he / she likes them long, what if we get back together... uhm, I have been offered this fantastic job but the hours are not compatible with my ex's hours, IF we get back together...
People rarely has this kind of foresight ( luckily, I want to say,- otherwise nobody would EVER reallly move on ), they make decisions in the here and now. bad and good decisions.
As for the rest, again, you are assuming, you don't KNOW if he managed to go condomless the second time, and you are assuming that if he did , he did not tell you and endangered your health.
That on one hand is a reasonable concern ( stranger things have happened )- on the other hand it says you don't trust your boyfriend, and you think of him as a person who would quite possibly do that . Did you ask him ? Can you ask him ? Can you ask him with the reasonable chance / probability that he will tell you the truth ? has he lied to you before ? have there been trust issues between you before ?...
Anyway, if you feel concerned, I think it's reasonable to tell him you need to go back to condoms, which you will dispose of only when he gets tested and shows you a clean bill of health.
And what about this recent sex partner, is she a rival, is she trouble ?...That we really don't know, ultimatelly it all boils down to trust . How much you trusts him, and how much he deserved this trust so far. Only you can make that judgement call. If you trust him, and he never gave you reasons to worry about stuff like this, then the answer is : no. He'll be loyal. He went with this girl when he was SINGLE, albeit briefly. That he is a bit of a horndog ( at least from your point of view ) does not necessarily make him a cheater.
If you had another row , would he go back to her , or to another woman ? probably yes, if he can. If the row entails to him that you are split up, or that at least you are " on a break ", he'll probably do it again, and although I am not surprised that you may not be very fond of the idea, I guess he'd feel he is not breaking any rule or doing anything wrong .
But , as I told you, IMO that should not even be a problem.... if you have another row, i.e. an argument that can't be civilly and intelligently an undramatically solved within a reasonable short time.... then , it's tme to go separate ways...
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