A
female
age
41-50,
*9agegap
writes:Help - should I take a leap of faith for someone who doesn't want to commit? I've been dating someone for half a year and he's moving 6 hours away for work. He did not ask me to go along with him but when I asked if he would like me to be there with him, he said yes of course, but I have to accept his level of indepedance - aka he wants to do whatever he wants to do, he's not ready to live together yet, and he has no idea if he ever wants to get married. He is very excited about his move and has been looking for places to live without me. He is perfect except that he's not crazy over me (perhaps it's after 6m already) and that he does not seem like he wants to commit (or ever commit to someone). I've met his parents and friends and I think that says a lot. However, I don't know if I should take a leap of faith and go with him to another country when I don't even know if he can ever give me what I want - commitment and marriage. What do you advise? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): No, your being silly and in dreamland.
He hasn't asked you to come!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2008):
 It sounds like a bad idea to me. He's been honest with you about not wanting to commit or even live with you. Moving to a new place, let alone a new country, is a HUGE step and can be full of uncertainty, loneliness, disorientation and stressful. And you said this man wants his independence.
He's looking forward to his path, and while he obviously likes you, you're really not included in his planning.
Let him go on his own, and keep yourself very, very busy. Make lots of plans with friends to go out and do things, take classes, volunteer. STAY BUSY!
You haven't been together that long and it's really kind of unfair to expect him to make a lifetime commitment if he's not ready to. Maybe he'll find he misses you so much he can't live without you, or maybe you'll find that you can live without him. Who knows, there's still lots of time for the relationship to evolve.
But I think you will wind up unhappy and feeling alone in a strange country if you follow him with his being 100% behind you moving with him.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, red1982  +, writes (6 March 2008):
If he's asked you to come with him then he obviously cares for you more then he lets it show. You've met his family and friends and that speaks volumes.
I would say go for it, as long as you have somewhere to come back to if all should go wrong (I don't mean to sound like it's doomed from the start).
Give him time to make a commitment - 6 months is not that long to get to know someone, and I think it's sensible that you don't move to another country and move in together, that way you can be together as much or as little as you want. Moving to another country will be a big pressure, without the added pressure of arguing over bills, chores and all the rest that comes with living together.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Well it's definatly a gamble. 6 months can seem a long time but I am not awfully sure it's marriage time; as to living together it could be said pretty much the same thing that 6 months is a relatively short span of time under normal circumstances. Unfortunatly circumstances really haven't allowed you the time to find out whether he will go that far.
It is really up to you but I will say the fact that he was looking to go without you is a sign that at the very least he is rather wrapped up in this move. Having said that the fact that he has introduced you to his family is a good sign. Maybe now is the time to have a 'state of the union' chat with him and see where he sees this all going and make your descision based on that. Good luck :)
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