A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yes lately it seems like I am always on this site lol!Anyways, the past month or so things have not been so good with me and my bf. We started seeing each other about 8 months ago, and were always exclusive from day 1. We never felt the need to look for others that is how much we were intrigued by each other. He told me I was the type of women he had been asking for, I didn't tell him but he is what I wanted as well. We were so in tune mentally, physically, spiritually. I would say about 2 months ago I started acting insecure. My situation wasn't the best, I was unhappy about certain things. This caused some arguments/fights. At first it was fine and healthy but the past month it became more frequent.I know we are capable of getting back to what we had all this time, it was undeniable. We still feel that for each other but the way things have been going, there needed to be a change. He told me I just need to stop being insecure because he obviously only wants me and cares for me. He doesn't like when I ask him so many questions about his past....and I know it doesn't even matter what his past was like. He is who he is now, but for some reason We will be having a blast and then later on I start saying something, or questioning him. It's like I can't help myself.I believe we are responsible for our own feelings, he really didn't give me a reason to go this nuts, but it is my past coming back to haunt me. I knew his suggestion of just letting those thoughts go and being happy wouldn't work. He wants to live with me, but with how I have been reacting I don't want that until some issues are resolved. I am really taking this seriously as I am making an appointment with a counselor for myself, and working on bettering myself so I can be happy with myself and stop taking out aggression and pain in the wrong places.Anyways I asked him yesterday if he thinks a break will be good, and he said is that what u want? If that is what it will take for you to sort yourself out then it's fine. Do you all think this is a good decision? I mean it's far from the type of break where you want to explore others bla bla bla. This break is purely for me to kind of untangle some feelings, same for him. The arguments have been so intense and I know from the past that if you let things continue that way, feelings WILL begin to fade. I don't want them to fade, I want them to grow and flourish. So my question is do you think this is a good idea, and for how long? I don't want it too long as we haven't had major issues. No cheating, no lying, no stealing. I need help on how to go about this, because I have never had a break before. Our feelings for each other are so strong that I do not even have to think about him getting with someone else. All of those times I was insecure it was my past telling me I wasn't good enough. I was basically asking him about his ex's (which he told me many times i am wayyyy better than) but I wanted to dig up info. It's like I didn't believe him...I have my own self image issues and I need to learn not to take them out on him but work them out in a healthy way(which i somehow did for a long time). I think my situation has also brought me down as I am BROKE and jobless right now. Took a break from school. He isn't in the best situation either but more steady than mine. He doesn't have money to dish out to me but he has been doing really sweet things ( bringing me essentials, taking me out to eat, driving me to my job interviews, offering to buy clothes for the interview if I need it). I am not used to being this broke so it is really hard for me. I was studying medicine in school and took a break because I wasn't sure it was for me...so I am not lazy or in this situation typically(it has been this way for almost 2 months now). I just want some advice from some of you wise people on how to go about this. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Well drinking can go either two ways- one he says things so that you'll have sex or he tells you his true emotions that don't usually come out. Either or it's a nice compliment. Even if you aren't better than his ex (which I highly doubt), he's with you, and wants to be with only you.Talk to him about it if it's really bothering you, communication is key, and truth is he's probably wondering how your feeling because of wanting to go on this "break."And he probably thinks that if he compliments you to much it'll get to your head, and perhaps thinks you'll take the compliments for granite. Knowing that you are hot and are going to be hit on by numerous other men is a hard hurdle for men to act cool about. We don't want to lose our girl to some other guy, and by complimenting you to much we think maybe you'll think we're just being nice but don't actually mean it (then when another dude says your beautiful you get all flustered).Guaranteed you man means it! Just saying, I mean how many times do you want him to say it for it to have it's impact. My girlfriend does the same thing and I can't emphasize enough how amazing she is (looks and personality).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):
Original Poster Again.
No he isn't in contact with her...I just want to know for sure that he thinks I am better. It drives me nuts thinking about it.
He once told me months ago, that he was intimidated by me. He said he thinks im beautiful but if he over does it, he thinks I will walk all over him. He told me the other day he is "fully aware that I am beautiful and when he takes me out other guys will try to take me away from him".
Then once he drank a bit and he whispered to me " You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen"
It made me feel so good lol, but he was drinking so does it count? would a guy say that to his girl without meaning it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I don't think being patient is a bad quality, it sounds like he really cares about you.It also sounds like he doesn't bring up the past but due to your questions it is brought up, which isn't necessarily bad, but I'd say he just doesn't think about it that often, and thinks that by telling you certain things about his past relationships it would make you feel uncomfortable. He's with you not his ex, or another women, and he's told you he thinks you're amazing and far better. Men sometimes have trouble with words (at least I know I do), sometimes men make jokes that are taken to seriously and truthfully aren't funny, when taken the wrong way it can be irritating because our intent was just to lighten the mood (good intentions). Sounds like he doesn't have any contact with his ex either, or does he?As for the break I don't know how girls feel about those things, I've had gf's want a break and truth is it was super confusing. Sounds like he's taken it in the most noble of ways, considering your feelings and wanting you to feel better about yourself. Sounds like he's a keeper
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Yes it could be that he was extremely patient. He tells me that at that time he felt he had no options because he had lost so much because of what she had done to him. He lost his friends/financial security.
I am trying to figure out if this is my problem alone, or if he is saying something wrong? I mean maybe I shouldn't ask about the ex but I feel it is important...
He does tell me I have a better personality, more beautiful, hes more connected to me. I just read too much into things sometimes and I ask pointless questions because of my insecurity. He also isn't the best with his words.
Anyways I am feeling better and better slowly. I just want to know should I be made about what he said. They did "crazy things" together that she said she wouldnt do with others. I am just wondering what those "crazy things" are. Because he took it back and said it came out the wrong way.
He also said im more beautiful, and I asked him if he didnt know either of us who he would choose and he said "probably you". I got mad that it wasnt certain and he said " come on you know dang well I would choose you". I don't know if he started answering that way because hes annoyed or what. He usually says something off and then gets annoyed at me and said "you know the answer already, you know I chose you". I just don't want a guy with any weird connection to his ex.
Is what he said wrong? Or am I reading too much into things?
That is the problem with prying. He told me months ago that I was wayyyy better than his ex in every way. Then I asked again later and he said yes, but I felt he hesitated. I dont even know anymore...
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 March 2011):
 I suppose you could say he was extremely patient with her - more so than she or the situation warranted, in my opinion -
Now that he's with you he obviously considers you to be far superior to her - didn't he tell you you're better in every way than she was?
Maybe having invested five years with her, he was reluctant to give up easily........like I said MUCH too patient.
At any rate, its history now. Your best bet is to work on leaving it where it belongs - in the past.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 February 2011):
You certainly are going through a rough time, not working or having much money. Are your parents in a position to help you financially until you can get on your feet?
It definitely wouldn't be a good idea to borrow money from him, even if he was willing! But you're evidently not going to ask... Personally, I HAVE occasionally helped out a friend (woman friend, not a bf) who was in dire straits. I think its better if you give what you can as a gift, without expecting to be paid back. (If that sounds like bragging, its not meant as such). Its practical: if you cannot afford to help out and would be making yourself short, you don't do it!
As for breaks, well: I have a friend in England who was going through a stressful time recently (no issues of any kind between the two of us) and I thought it best to stay away from Skype (we normally video or at least IM once or twice a week) to give him a bit of time to himself (no, he didn't request or even hint at it either). I didn't tell him I was going to do that, though I did send a brief note in the mail to express support. After three weeks I logged on, sent a one-line IM, received a Valentine greeting, and slowly, since then we have resumed chatting. He didn't ask where I was (which is fine) and we'll be spending time together when I visit family and other friends there in April.
I'm telling you this as an example!
In your case, you asked him if a break would be a good idea, and sounds as if he is very understanding and has no problem with it if that's what you need to begin to get yourself together. If you do decide to take him up on it, what I'd do is to leave him a message to say how much you appreciate his willingness and his support. I wouldn't continue the break beyond three weeks, though. (It will seem a long time, true, but may give you some breathing space).
Making an appointment to see a counsellor sounds like an excellent idea. You're demonstrating to yourself, as well as your bf, that you are serious about starting to get control of the various things that are plaguing you. It also takes the pressure off him.
No need to rush on the idea of living together. You've only been together 8 months so wait until a year or more has gone by and see where you are then, emotionally and financially. If your relationship is good, its not going to go away, ya know. Meantime, you can let it all hang out with the counsellor, vent, ask for practical advice on how to deal with things.......hope this helps, and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is the Original PosterI wanted to ad that what drives me nuts is his ex. He was with her for 5 years and she did terrible things. I wanted to know why he took her back after all she did to him. Was he that in love with her?He told me it was his past and more complicated than I can see, but he has no feelings for her at all now.I keep questioning him and then end up mad with what I find out. For example I asked him to elaborate what happened, he said "crazy things we did together she said she wouldnt do with anyone else, and its not "what type of person she is"When he said that it kind of was weird because im like what crazy things did you do together? It sounded like drugs or wild orgyies(which is far from his personality now) hence why i found it weird...He then said he worded it wrong, he meant that she did things with others (he found sex recordings she made with another guy as she was trying to get back with him at the same time). He said he meant she was doing stuff with others when she said she wasn't that type of girl. It set me off because I didn't believe him and I was wondering what crazy things they did that they only wanted to keep to each other? Maybe I analyze too much?He always tells me that he can't even compare me to her because I am better in every way. I have never met or seen her and only hear bad things so I don't know why im insecure. Maybe because she had five years with him, and i know he was taking her back after all the crazy things she did to him...he said she helped him in a time where nobody else did (his sister committed suicide) but on top of that she hit him and told the police he slapped her so he had to go to jail...and go to anger classes that he didnt need and pay$$$ and he said he ended up losing a lot of things and she was the one helping him because she felt bad about what she did....but WTF why would he accept her help after that?
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