A
female
age
36-40,
*mber jarvey
writes:Hello, looking for some advice, i have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4, we have a 2 year old son together and i have 2 children from a previous marriage. I recently found out via a man coming to my door that my husband had been having an affair for 3 months. Obviously i was shocked and upset but i needed the truth. My husband had been acting strange for a while, always had his phone on silent, disappearing to take calls, just wasnt acting himself.Well after delving deeper (i wont mention how i found out) it turns out (and i know this to be completely certain) that my husband had fancied a young woman we know (but not well) through a group of friends of ours whom we see a few times a year, i have met her a few times at our friends bbq,s and so has he. That on a night that he went out with one of these friends, this woman was out also, with her fiance, whom also have a child. They went back to their house for drinks after the pub and he asked for her number from one of these friends while he was their! altho turns out it wasnt our friends that replied with her number, it was their daughter who had popped in that night to borrow the phone off her mum.Anyway i found out that he kissed her that evening and that he text her the following day saying sorry if i pissed you off lastnight. She didnt reply until a day later when she said, its ok it was nice. From their on the affair progressed, they were texting eachother almost all day every day, exchanging calls and so on. He told her that he was unhappy in his marriage with me and had been for a while but that he has a child with me and didnt know what to do. He also told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him but that he was just scared, im presuming she had been pressuring him for something.I also know that in this time they slept together more than 10 times, some at her home and 3 times at ours!! (i was and still am mortified!).I know for a fact! that they had discussed what they would do and how other members of their families would feel if they found out that my husband was getting a divorce or that she left her fiance. Her reply was, my mother wouldnt be happy, she thinks ive made my bed and so i should lay in it, even though i am not fully happy and have strong feelings for you. His reply was and i quote "my mum wouldnt care, she just wants me to be happy, i want to be happy aswell but i cant bring myself to do it. I presume he meant leave me!I know that they nearly got caught on several occasions and that one of her fiances friends had threatened my husband via voicemail, even though im not sure he knew it was actually my husband she was involved with, i think it was a tester!!, he sneaked her round our house, during the day! (not that that is any worse than at night but still, it hurts to know that he didnt care if anyone would see that he was allowing some other woman into our marital home! he risked ALOT to carry on seeing this woman, i know that he tried to end it a few times, she would always tell him that she loved him and didnt want him to leave her, that they could cool it until they had figured out what to do with their own relationships. He nearly got caught 3 times!! he didnt care that i might find out, that someone would see him, or that he might be beaten up by someone her end!, he carried on seeing her for 3 months! even after all of this.Toward the end, he told her it had to end and that he wanted to work on things with me, yeah little old me, his wife! the one hes been cheating on!! that he couldnt bear to lose his children and that he would never cheat again. This was at the end of december, 4 days before xmas!! Turns out her fiance believes it was my husband that was texting her (i assume he found msgs) and chased my husband down the road, telling him he knew! even though it turns out even he doesnt know the half of it, he only thinks they kissed and text a few times.Im not going to say how i found this all out but lets just say, i found some pretty hard evidence.My question to you guys and girls is, do you think its definately over? he has never chated before, did he love this girl? is he only with me because its convenient?, did he only end it so bluntly because he was scared i would find out and that he would lose his children? i know he loves and cares for me, well im sure he does, ive been with him 9 years!! but this has completely shook me. His messages to her seemed so honest, he opened up to her, told her everything. She is a very attractive girl and every time i have met her she seems to have a heart of gold, im just confused about the whole thing. Is he waiting for me to forgive and forget? is he going to contact her again in the future? i have spoken to him and he has said nothing happened, he is denying it point blank, altho he admitted to kissing her and texting but that he wants to work on our marriage.Does he love both of us, why was he so harsh with her at the end? We live 5 mins away from this woman, its so hard for me to move on even though i know the truth, i love my husband!Im sorry if this is long and that im rambling, i just dont know what to do. I am almost certain he meant what he said to her, by the way he said it. Yes he is a cheater, atleast i know that now! but he didnt tell her he had fallen in love with her until the 3rd time they had slept together (found this out via emails and so forth) they talked about anything and everything. My main question is, do i stay or do i go? is their anything to possibly work on, does he mean what he says, that he wont contact her again that he has deleted all form of contact? I know men lie to get in womens pants, i get it but i also know my husband, he wouldnt tell someone all these things if he didnt mean them. Im scared shitless that he is going to go back to her.Help!from confused x
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male
reader, Flashtony +, writes (4 March 2011):
Go now, once a cheater always.... I have no idea ho strong you're having to be with kids and all this information... Hang in here, be a little stronger and kick him out.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 March 2011):
I'm so sorry to hear about your illness.
I think you know that your husband is pretty much "gone" from your relationship mentally and emotionally. He's a totally different person with her versus with you. He's only staying with you out of guilt, because of your illness. This means he's only staying with you for his OWN benefit, so he can calm the guilt in his mind and convince himself he's not "going to hell"...that's a further insult to you.
It's clear he wants to be with her - whether it will actually work out as a real relationship is beside the point. The point is that he wants out of this marriage and is only staying in it out of guilt. Or maybe her fiance made trouble for him so there's an element of fear for his own safety or reputation as well. But either way it sounds like he really wants to pursue a relationship with her and whether or not that materializes (like whether she leaves her fiance or whether he can bring himself to leave you) his mindset is still at odds with you being able to have a real marriage relationship with him, even if he were still physically living with you and still legally married.
I think you should leave him and move on with your life, focus on your own health and well-being but without him in the picture.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Oh you poor thing I wish I could give you a hug, it is awful. Really everything is just too rough right now isn't it. I hope that you can please remember to remind yourself that you are very precious.Well the details are just sickening for you because you have invested a lot of yourself into a man that turned out to be rather lowly. I am so so sorry. It is not your fault that he is behaving this way. However the details perhaps can give you a clue later on as to what you might like to do. But I imagine you have probably read enough of them all now to absorb enough about the situation.'....I didn't win the lottery baby' indicates very clearly to me that this man your husband and this girl are both on the same low emotional wave length. I know it must feel just dreadful, but you may gently consider the possibility at some stage that he and she both want to take the easy options in life and that is why they are attracted to each other. It seems clear that rather than living with more integrity and disipline they would rather blame others for their low self image and or have it 'easy'. Not everyone is like this in life - but I bet if feels right now that they are. Frankly I would please get a nice lawyer a free one if you need to. It doesn't mean you have to leave, it just means that you have some back up ready and some support and some options to look at. I know that would make me feel much stronger and I suspect you.Perhaps you could tell the lawyer you have not made any decisions but ask them to look at the details, you will find a nice person not at all judgemental or upsetting at this time.
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 "i was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months before their affair started, from what i can tell he did not mention this to her until" He did what he did knowing you have just been diagnosed with breast cancer? I lived in the desert for close to 20 years. U.S. Southwest. Cowboy Country. We have a saying for people like this . . . "Get A Rope". In other words this guy should be strung up by his you-know-what and left for the birds to pick his bones clean.You found out a lot of the 'gory details'. How you're holding it together right now so well I'll never know. My hat's off to you!
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female
reader, amber jarvey +, writes (1 March 2011):
amber jarvey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your kind words, i have so many friends but feel so alone! it helps to be able to talk to people who understand and will give honest advice.
There is one last thing that i didnt mention as i didnt want the sympathy vote but i was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months before their affair started, from what i can tell he did not mention this to her until half way through the affair. It would seem she went ballistic, he told her to please not hate him for not telling her.
He still carried on contacting her and meeting with her from what ive found out though apart from one of the texts he sent said "we need to cool off contact for a while, i cant believe i was going to see you knowing she has breastcancer, i am evil and i am going to hell. To which she replied something along the lines of your not evil, you cant help the way you feel, we both knew it was wrong but something took over, take some time but know that i will miss you.
There are so many other things i have found out via this man that came to my door, texts, emails etc. For instance the last time i gather they slept together (in my house!!) he had text her the following day saying ru ok? she replied yes, he said are you sure? you were meant to text me to let me know you got home ok? she replied yes sorry i fell asleep, she didnt reply after that from what i can tell but he pestered her for that day, she text him saying you ended it, i am trying to give you what you want and that is to work on your marriage and if that is right for you, then being without you is right for me also. He replied no one goes from constantly telling someone how they have never felt this way before to absolutely nothing, it makes no sense atall, either your lying now or your lying then!, she then replied you know i wasnt lying about any of it, you know how i feel but you are playing on my emotions, he then tried calling her, twice!! she text back saying my fiance is home do you want me to get in trouble! (he was panicking that she didnt feel the same way anymore!) i also found a random one sent to her from him saying i didnt win the lottery baby :-( didnt see her reply to that one, things like i miss you so much, cant wait to be with you, not seeing you is hell, never felt this way before, both saying similar things.
Im wondering if investigating all this to the lengths that i have, was a bad idea, it hurts like hell. Going on here at the moment and reading your comments is really the only thing that is keeping me sane, the support is really nice x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Look my heart really goes out to you and I am truly sorry for the sickness it must be causing you right now.
May I suggest that you take a break from the forum here and all the awful details of what he has done and try to do something soothing for yourself, a bath with bath oils, nice soothing music try and pick something that is just for you. Put all these details up in a little cupboard and give them over to God or to the Sky. Keep yourself away from all reminders until you can come back to it stronger later.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Hun, Close this door and walk away with your dignity intact.
Your hb WILL cheat again, it is only a matter of time.
Both him and this girl have been dispicable.too much has happened and you KNOW that he cannot be trusted again.
If you just carry on with him, this will drive u insane.
You need to show him that u will not tolerate his behaviour . The lies have to stop.
Your poor kids as well. Enough of this hurt.
I will not repeat what the other aunts have said , but will just say this. You owe it to yourself to rid your life of this cheating scum. He is making u a fool with everyone.
LoveGirl
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female
reader, amber jarvey +, writes (1 March 2011):
amber jarvey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand sorry to answer your question anonym12345, the other woman is 26 and my husband is 30. I can see why he was attracted to her but it shouldnt have gone any further than that. He seemed so interested in her, asking her all about her life, they clicked on an emotional level and from what it seems, a physical one too!! (makes me feel sick!),
He initiated the WHOLE thing! from what i have found out, from the first text (to our friends mobile!!, didnt even care that he was making me look like an idiot!), he initiated the kiss, even after she kept her distance (oh yes, i know everything!! well atleast i think i do, cant possibly get any worse!, he told her he had fallen for her first.
After the first night they met, he initiated the first few texts to her, are you still interested and the following one, i take that as a know.
There are lots of messages i have seen and things i have heard. He had even met her at our friends house for a party one weekend, not propaly, from what i can tell even though ours friends knew they had feelings for eachother, of course they arent a couple so couldnt really act like one. They wanted to get to know eachother.
The list goes on, even though he was harsh from what i can tell towards her at the end, he stopped contact said he wanted to work things out with us, told her he would never cheat again. In my heart of hearts i know that he only said this because he doesnt trust himself with her :-(
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reader, amber jarvey +, writes (1 March 2011):
amber jarvey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies, i feel so alone, i love my husband so much but deep down i know there was something between them, even if not now, then! and that makes things no better, even if he doesnt go back to her or contact her in the future (which i still believe after what i read that he will) he still had feelings for her at one time and that is too much to take. I should be the only one he has feelings for, end of story.
I just know myself from past relationships, how men will leave thinking they have no feelings anymore but after time they really miss that person and try to worm their way back in. This is what i can see my husband doing with this woman. Its only been 2 months but if i forgive him, the dust settles, he is likely to start thinking of her again, possibly even missing her.
At the moment, things are up in the air because he knows that i know something, even if he misses her now he wouldnt do anything about it because things have been too crazy but eventually i think maybe he will contact her again. I know men. i cant live with that.
Yeah 5 minutes away! i know, the thought is making me crazy because if he wanted her and missed her that much she isnt out of reach, even though contact has now been stopped. He knows the roots she walks to playschool with her son aswell (again found this info out), we work shifts and he has mornings and afternoons to himself a few days a week so could easily track her down without me or her fiance knowing if he wanted to. I casnt live like this! i love him so much, just feel so heartbroken.
If it had of been "just sex" one time thing, influenced by alcohol even! i know i could forgive him, ewould never forget but i would forgive! this wasnt "a mistake" he slept with her over and over, crossed the line, risked things any sane person wouldnt! it meant something, i know that much.
I really appreciate all the advice x
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 March 2011):
I'm so sorry that this has happened. I honestly think you should go. why?
Your wanting to stay is based largely on hoping that he's sincere in wanting you and no longer wanting her. of course that's natural for you to want this. but I really think there's little to no chance of this happening so the conditions you want for you to stay, won't be met. I think so for these reasons:
1) He still hasn't even come completely clean, he's still lying about the full extent of the affair. So not only is the trust broken, but it will continue to stay broken. There's not a whole lot to work on.
2) I hate to say it but it sounds like he actually really loves her or at least wants to have a real relationship with her. this wasn't a one night stand. He opened himself up to her, made himself vulnerable to her. He risked a lot just to be with her. They were seriously discussing a future together. In other words, he was serious about wanting to leave you. The ONLY thing that stopped him pursuing a future with her wasn't love for you, but "fear." When people stay in relationships/marriages out of fear it doesn't make for a happy or stable relationship....they will always be contemplating a way out, just one that's less "scary."
3) These kinds of affairs - where there is love and emotional connection not just lust or novelty - are the most threatening to marriages because even if the other woman is gone from the picture, he may always be comparing you to her in his mind and wishing it was her that he was married to. How would it feel to be married to someone who wishes you were some body else?? Don't do this to yourself.
4) He's a coward. He obviously wanted to leave you to be with her. So, he should have just "manned up" and done it. He wanted to be with her but he was too 'scared' to leave you. It's an insult to you to continue this marriage. Do you want to married to a man who's still married to you only because he's too "scared" to leave you??
He's staying married to you but only for his own benefit (to avoid whatever it is he fears) and not because he truly wants you. If he was sincere in wanting to work things out with you, he wouldn't still be lying about the affair.
5) He pursued the other woman and initiated the affair. He even brought her to your house to sleep with her. It's very clear that he hasn't wanted you or respected you for a long time. Your marital problems actually started long before she entered the picture. what makes you think that if you stay with him, he will actually want and respect you now? He may stay married to you, but just because he's too "scared" to go through a divorce and turn his life and your life and the kids' lives upside down. Don't let him treat you like this and make a mockery out of your marriage.
6) Do you think your children will respect you for staying with a cheater when they grow up and understand adult relationships?
7) Finally, since he has cheated on you already, I think it's very possible and likely that he will cheat again, possibly with her. Especially when she lives only 5 minutes away. Theirs could be one of those affairs that go on for YEARS, maybe on and off again, maybe continuously. Don't torture yourself by being a party to it (as long as you stay married to him, you'll be around for him to cheat on you).
In the end, you can't read other people's minds so you can never know what's going on in his mind, you just can't. This is why affairs are so devastating to marriages - the trust, once broken, is extremely difficult to regain. You may be setting yourself up for a life time of suspicion that will never go away even if he truly never contacts her again, you'll probably always be paranoid to some degree. This is no way for YOU to live.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): People have affairs for all sorts of reasons, and staying and leaving are very complicated.It has to do with their individual psychology, and that is so complexly woven that you really need professional help to work on things.First, he may very well love you and love you more than anyone else on this earth, but have had an emotional crisis of sorts and gone down the path of "no return" but found that it was a dead end and then realized that he'd better backtrack and work on his marriage."every time i have met her she seems to have a heart of gold"Not surprising, and she may very well have that heart of gold, but she may also be really screwed up from a relationship side, as she is having an affair with a married man.It is very rare that the people who have the affair end up together, they have "an affair" because they both have problems. If they didn't have problems, they'd be in a meaningful relationship of their own.If you want to keep working on things, don't make any decisions now. First, get a professional marriage counselor, work on understanding what exactly happened. Read some books "After the Affair", "Surviving the Affair", both are good reads.If your husband has an alcohol issue, or if you do, then take the following test http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htmIf you or your husband are children of alcoholic homes, or from homes that have had significant substance abuse the issues are far more complicated. There are books for that as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Ever asked yourself why he might have wandered? You've got 3 kids wanting your attention!How much time do you spend on his needs?Men are like children, how much of your day do you give to them and give to him?He knows he's done wrong, and also which side his bread is buttered on.. He does still love you or he'd have gone by now..Ever thought he wants you back and not just Mum?
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (1 March 2011):
"havent a clue why my age has been published as 22, i am 39" And here I thought I was just very bad at math. Thanks for this update!
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (1 March 2011):
"Im scared shitless that he is going to go back to her." Leave. Over time this fear may or may not leave you entirely but it will get less. I'm thinking about your general attitude toward men. "I know men lie to get in womens pants" Not all men are like this.
If you stay I think you will always have this fear, if not about this woman than another woman. I sincerely wish you all the best and that you find the courage to be true to yourself and do what's best for you and your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): You are still young at 39! A good age to make the break.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I am so sorry this has happened to you, I'm not sure what you mean by girl as I see you are young yourself. However it is very very clear by your post that you are a mature responsbile good hearted person. Do not give this woman the character of a heart of gold, because you see the good in people, I am afraid she has not earned this atribute and has no business sleeping with anybodys husband or cheating on her fiance.Please take my suggestions on board because as another woman, I do care and I imagine you can not see the wood for the trees right now.1. Do not tell your husband that you know, until you have a family lawyer on your side (get a free one from your local centre if need be). This is very important, to ensure your future. It may feel like betrayal to you because you are obviously an honest person, however you need to protect yourself and your daughter. you might be in shock so try and take a good friend with you or ask one to come and see you.2. Ask your husband to leave immediately and change the locks the same day. Give him a letter expressing that you know about the affair, express your disappointment that he was not willing to work on having a good marriage with you, say nothing to 'incriminate' yourself because you have done nothing wrong. Keep it to the point as much as you can.Make it clear that having an affair is a weak way out of a good marriage. State that you have been pleased to be a faithful loving wife and wish him well.3. Try to keep this from affecting your daughter until visiting time is arranged with your husband.4. Take heart and good care of yourself you are worth so much more than this, I am quite sure that you are every bit as attractive and more attractive in so many ways than this foolish girl.Do take some brave steps towards a future that you deserve, he really does not sound happy and you deserve much better than to stay.I really do not think he means anything he says - I am really sorry if 9 years together meant so much to you. But he simply is not a good man and it is not the right relationship. I guess you may have been very young when you were married, this isn't a problem in itself and you are still young and able to have a bright future.It concerns me that she lives 5 mins away - that is awful for peace of mind. I hope you take my suggestion of changing the locks, you need to be strong. Getting the legal advice will be good and you can work on an amicable arrangement while you and your child stay where you are.It is fair and reasonable that you stay and he should move and important that your childs normal routine is not totally disrupted all at once.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I think younshould go. He cheated and wont even admit to it, i couldnt handle knowing it I would say go the children will survive but your feelings I would think will be hard to recover especially your trust
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female
reader, rainbowwave +, writes (28 February 2011):
I really feel your pain but only you can decide on what to do, i am going to presume you know most of this via your own investigating so you know that it is all true. My advice would be to take some time out, it will be hard but you need time for you to decide what you are going to do about your marriage. Is you partner communicating with you, does he seem sincerely sorry? I dont mean to sound horrible but you have asked for advice...he brought her to your home and slept with her in your bed, on 3 occasions? i really dont want to state what you already know but this is harsh, the affair is harsh but that is worse, your marital home, where you share a bed together for the past 9 years! The only one who knows if he had true feelings for her is him and it sounds to me like he is trying to avoid the subject. Men do say things sometimes like you say, to get a piece of a*s! but some of these things he said to her seem quite genuine. Only you can decide what to do next, it doesnt help that she doesnt live far from you but i dont think it matters really, if he wants her it doesnt matter how far away she lives and vise versa. He has chosen to be with you though, he is not with her, for whatever reason, he is still with you. Try and hold on to that. It does seem as though he probably had feelings for her but also realised what he had at home with you. I mean if what you say is true and he risked alot for this girl then that really does say it all. Alot of the time when these things happen, the husband will often apologise over and over for what he has done, promise no contact, promise to make it up to and that he loves you but once the dust has settled, be it weeks, months or years they often try to get in contact with the other woman again. So makesure he has definately got no contact with her and try to communicate as a couple. I hope this helps, stay strong x R
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female
reader, kashmir  +, writes (28 February 2011):
"HELL HAVE NO FURY THAN A WOMAN SCORNED". Your husband has been caught fair and square and now young lady its time for you to make a stand - for your self esteem, respect and dignity and for your childrens sake. Do not stay with this cheater. Time for a sit down with him and ask him bluntly if he has had an affair recently. Hit him where it hurts - if he says no - then he has no respect for you and does not love you. I would be asking him to leave. Do NOT leave your home - it is for you and your children - something he didnt think about - TOUGH on him! Blunt I know... but its time to move on and get your life into gear. If you stay with him - this will eat you up inside like a cancer for the rest of your life... will he, won't he do it again... once a cheater... always a cheater. The only reason why he wants to stay with you is because it is more convenient for him, plus he will lose money if you both get divorced. You deserve better and so do your children. He needs help and needs to resolve his issues. He is a liar and deceitful and he is ONLY thinking of his selfish self. He didnt give much thought to you or your children when he was with this other woman did he? And he let her into your house 3 times???!! I would be getting rid of the marital bed and him too. He too must be guilt ridden - but he gets no sympathy votes from me. You have witnesses - imagine what they are thinking and saying about you - and not forgetting your children - somewhere along the line this deceit will make its way to your childrens ears. It's a hard step to take - but there is support and counselling available for YOU. You can do it and you will have a better life for it. Believe in yourself and dont let yourself down - you deserve better. Always have courage. Hope this was of some help. All the best and let us know how you go. :)
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reader, amber jarvey +, writes (28 February 2011):
amber jarvey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhavent a clue why my age has been published as 22, i am 39
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