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Should I stop talking to this guy?

Tagged as: Online dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2012) 12 Answers - (Newest, 23 August 2012)
A female Egypt age 30-35, *gitatedSolitary writes:

So around December I added this guy on Facebook because he seemed very interesting to me. We started talking and it turns out he is 7 years older than me, so at first he said he felt uncomfortable for talking to such a young lady. Later on though, we added each other on MSN, and one thing led to another and he asked me to send him a topless picture. I thought he was joking so I carried on as though he is joking, but finally I figured out he wasn't. He even admitted he wasn't. But of course I refused to send him any pictures because I don't do this kind of stuff. And a struggle of morals between us went on for quite a long while. He started getting the vibe that I am annoyed when he tries getting it on with me, so he asked me and I told him that I do get annoyed, so he promised to reduce it. And he did reduce the amount of innuendos and sexuality, but the moral-struggle still went on. Of course by human nature we both talked about different things other than the sexual questions he'd ask me, like what I was wearing or what the color of my nipples are or even how big my boobs are. Apart from the sexual talk, I really liked conversing with him. Later on, I began giving in and joining his innuendos and sexual talking, because admittedly, I crave for him in that manner which is very surprising to me because I technically never had a boyfriend. I never went on a date and I sufficed with making out with my pillow. Flirting in public is as far as I would go, and by flirting I just mean eye contact for more than three seconds. I never was interested in relationships and I don't date. I'm a good student and generally a good person, but being a human, and having human desires, we ended up video calling each other. Of course there was this debate on how I should do something sexy in front of the camera or something. I told him I wanted to get naughty with him. We ended up having a deal that I would do something to turn him on and he would masturbate. So how it went is we would video call and I would bend down so he can get a view of my cleavage, and he'd masturbate to that. And then it kept escalating gradually, and now I fiddle around and play with my boobs and he gave me a view of himself stimulating his crotch (Above clothes).

We also dirty talk sometimes, like what we'd like to do to each other and such.

Note that: I was away for about a month, we kept contact every now and then when I could get quick access, but we never did anything during that month and he told me he'd wait. During that month we had a quick conversation in which he said that at first he thought he only wanted something sexual out of me but now he likes talking to me, and we both admitted that we are attached to one another somehow. And that we stalk each other on Facebook sometimes and feel bad when we don't talk for a few days or something.

I also admitted that I'm afraid he would leave me and walk away, but he kept promising me that he would never do that and that if it ever happened and we stopped talking it would either be my doing, or something that is out of both our hands.

Add to that, he told me he thinks I'm mature for my age and that he likes talking to me and has talked to me more than he had ever talked to a girl before.

The question here is: Could he be genuine? I mean he never tried convincing me that he loves me so he could get something out of me. He even told me that with other girls, he never pretends to love them so he'd get something out of them. And I could tell he is honest because he even admitted that he thought he only wanted something out of me when we first started to talk, but when he got to know me better, I grew on him.

So should I keep this whole video calling thing going? Should I stop?

Should I detach myself from him? (Regarding that I confined in him 2 of my darkest secrets. The first is getting naughty with him which I never did with any other guy. The second is a problem in my family which I never tell anyone. But I told him.)

What am I supposed to do? Please advise me.

View related questions: boobs, facebook, flirt, msn, never had a boyfriend, nipples

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (23 August 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntSorry it was kind of repetitive as I was writing very early in the morning before work. I wish you the best!

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A female reader, AgitatedSolitary Egypt +, writes (23 August 2012):

AgitatedSolitary is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much Bondgirl! I really appreciate your help very much. :)

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (23 August 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntThis is the problem. You are not attracted to him, you are addicted to the feeling you get when you are mutually talking dirty. How can you be attracted to someone you have never met and only know through cyber space? This is a very dangerous and addicted practice. My advice to you is that if you do not want to stop, you must be realistic about where this is going.

1. You are having cyber-sex. Is this what you want for yourself? Sitting in front of a computer screen talking dirty with someone instead of being out in the world living your life?

2. Is this the type of relationship you want? Being addicted to a feeling you get from a man you can't really say you know because you have never met or dated him?

3. Do you realize this is kind of like an addiction to porn because you are not dealing with a real person in real life, you are dealing with technology?

4. Do you realize he disrespected you by engaging you in a challenge over emailing nude pictures of yourself.

5. Do you realize this is an addiction NOT attraction because you do not really know this person?

6. Have you asked yourself where this "relationship" is going? What you want out of it? How it will end?

This is not healthy behavior for someone who wants a man in her life. It is a false "relationship" that exists only on the computer. If you continue, I would proceed with caution. You are already questioning this person or you would not have posted, so do what you will, but be very careful. You may not think you are hurting anyone, but you are already hurting yourself as you are putting your life on hold and living through the computer.

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A female reader, AgitatedSolitary Egypt +, writes (23 August 2012):

AgitatedSolitary is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay, I put a lot of thought into it, and I think you guys are perfectly reasonable and right. But the problem is, I think I'm sexually attracted to him. I mean after a little bit of thinking, I do like talking to him, but I think of him as someone to turn to when *I* am feeling frisky. Is it wrong to feel this way? How am I supposed to stop being attracted to him in such fashion?

And again, thank you for your answers and patience. :)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with him grooming you. You say you don't want to talk about sex, don't want to show him your boobs, YET.........

************We also dirty talk sometimes, like what we'd like to do to each other and such.********

I think he is biding his time and I wouldn't be surprised if he does this with the other girls he knows. He gets a kick out of this control over you. You MAY think you control the conversation, but you don't.

I don't think you should continue this, it sounds obsessive and a little unhealthy.

Take a step back from this.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntYou asked if you should stop talking to the guy because you are getting red flags. We tell you what we believe is going on and then you start justifying why you talk to him and why you believe he's a great guy. Why in the world would you believe anything someone online tells you? Do you realize he could be lying about everything???

Now you are asking if he could be lying or genuine. Would you please read back through all of the wonderful and respectable advice you received and take it to heart? We only give advice here because we ourselves have experienced these things.

You have never met this guy, you do not know what he does in real life despite what he tells you, you do not know his habits, you do not know how he treats he friends, family, and neighbors. All you do is go by what he tells you. If he REALLY respected you and was only in desperate need of a good long-distance pen pal, then he would not be asking for naked pictures of you. You dig? People who are considerate and DECENT do not ask for such things online. Despite that, if he was considerate, decent, and respectful of you, he would have stopped when you said NO. Instead, he proceeded to challenge you and attempt to convince you to convert to his way of thinking.

Once again, please go back and read the posts of the people who ARE being decent and considerate and who ARE telling you that this guy is nothing but trouble.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

Meeting people for relationships through social media is high on the list of things one should not do, IMO.

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A female reader, AgitatedSolitary Egypt +, writes (22 August 2012):

AgitatedSolitary is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well (addressing the people who say I should stop talking to him and that he's looking for sexual gratification.) He talks to me a lot about his personal life and problems and stuff, obviously stuff he wouldn't talk about to anyone. Also he told me that he's not looking for sexual gratification because if I stopped getting naughty with him for a whole year, he would still like talking to me nevertheless. And I know I should try it, and it did happen, a whole month. It was out of my hand but isn't this enough proof? Plus I'm starting school next month and we'd probably not talk that much, and if we do I don't think we'd get naughty. Also I remember he asked me quite several times for sexy pictures, but I never sent any pictures except maybe something in my swimsuit, and it was just a normal picture of a girl with a swimsuit you know?

And also I gave him my phone number, that's the only personal thing he knows about me, but that's after 7 months of communication because I was being cautious.

I think I might have grown feelings for him, and I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone before, and I obviously shouldn't.

And what's worse is that I don't know what I want from him, I just want to talk to him and that's it. I mean he still talks to other girls and most probably gets naughty with them too, we're not in a relationship. But he talks to me a lot about how we'd make a "nice" couple or something, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend because I don't date.

The questions that remain unanswered are: Could he be genuine or is he just playing me? Should I leave myself be attached to him or should I detach myself from him?

Sorry for talking too much, and thank you guys for your answers, they are really appreciated! :)

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony aunthe is not genuine. he's only after sexual gratification.

I'd avoid him.

if you must talk to him tell him that at the first sexual comment (innuendo or otherwise) the conversation will stop for 24 hours.

stick to that

then the next time you tell him the conversation will stop for 48 hours

stick to that.

If he tries it a third time then it's 72 hours.

eventually you will not be talking to him for weeks on end and you will be able to wean yourself off of him.

If a total stranger came up to you on the street and asked what color your nipples were what would you do?

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntAlso, he is telling you you are mature for your age because he is "grooming" you. That means, he is complimenting you and making you feel like you can trust him when he just wants to take advantage of you. Please be careful of who you associate with online. This guy sounds like a real creep.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntYes, you need to block him from Facebook and not communicate with him otherwise if you've given out other numbers. This kind of thing is quite dangerous. You should not have argued over morals as these predators don't have any. They go online strictly to prey on other people, regardless of age. You should not be wasting your time and energy trying to explain to someone you don't know what your morals are. Plus, someone who respected you would not engage you in such a conversation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012):

Ok so youve video chatted with him so hes not a paedophile.

WHat exactly are you looking for with this relationship? A best friend? Boyfriend? Just a friend with some benefits? Whatever it is, you should talk and discuss it with him if you're seriously concerned or confused about your relationship. If he doesnt take it seriously or tries to ignore it, detach yourself from him. As long as you havent given him any personal info (ie. address etc) you should be fine. If he is also looking for something more, try to find a higher level in your relationship with him than youve already got; something that youre both happy with.

I probably didnt really clear anything up but i hope you work things out with him :)

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