A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently met a guy online on a social networking site who was a friend of a friend. I saw him posting on her profile and instantly I thought "wow, this guy is really bright, witty, funny..etc." Imagine my surprise when he added me with an interesting message about something obscure that i like. I was thrilled and had a look at his pictures and he seemed good looking, and have been talking to him all day, every day, since, at most chances we get we are on email or messaging. we have sent things to each other in the post too, and have swapped phone numbers. (my friends say he is bona fide and very nice) I spend most nights messaging him. I haven't met anybody this stimulating for years and he makes me laugh.So, he suggests we all meet up one day this week, there will be friends, drinks, clubs. I am so excited i felt sick. This guy seemed uncannily the same as me. whats more, he's 30 but has own house, car, good job, he's no bum. my friend says he's great. hes unbelievably intelligent, sensitive, has loads of friends, and seems to know something about everything - i struggle to keep up! i feel there is a special connection and i think all day about talking/laughing/joking with him. he sounds such great fun. Whats more, he does extreme sports - i imagined a toned bod, he says hes from manchester, so i imagined a manc accent, i saw him as a bit of a sharp working class hero. i had all these expectations. i spent hours doing my hair and make-up and was soo nervous. He arrives. Instantly, i almost wanted to go "IS THAT him??" He's about the same height as me. i imagined him taller. He has glasses on (no offence, i wear glasses too etc..) his hair is shorter - on his pics it was longer. Out of his extreme sports wetsuits, he turns up wearing an anorak, old trousers and had clearly been out shopping, looked like a geek or a bag man, and had done loads of stuff before he met us, and casually walked in, thus implying this meeting was not a big deal to him. I feel embarrassed as i have full make-up on and a dress! he opens his mouth, he has a very posh accent and has an arrogance to his tone of voice and talks loudly. i imagined a northern accent and for him to be softly spoken, as he implied. I could not reconcile this person with the one i had in my mind. I felt like walking out. It sounds stupid but he didn’t look, sound or act like I expected.What's more, I realise within seconds that theres no chemistry- no sexual tension. This guy has lots of gay female feminist friends. He doesn't believe women need to be told "you look lovely" or "can i buy you a white wine spritzer" or pull your chair out. my mum is italian catholic and i was raised old-fashioned. i was a bit put out when he said to me "mines a beer, your round!" But weirdly, although this behaviour didn't exactly make me feel ladylike, and killed any sexual chemistry, i was listening to him talking and he genuinely is a feminist and he respects women and women's experiences. he cares a lot about people and hes interested in their opinions. i like listening to him talk somehow more than i like talking to him. hes forthright, he speaks his mind, he plays devils advocate, he challenges people. Its just that i expected none of this on a datey-type thing. i expected smalltalk like "so what does your father do for a living", a getting to know you type thing. instead he spent time ranting on geekily about things, with little regard for the listener. he was slurring. i started to realise he was getting drunk. Then worse still - we split up and by the time we met up again, he was drunk. not just drunk, but unbearably drunk. loud, boorish, his speaking his mind descended into rudeness, telling me "why do i have to wear so much make up?" telling me loudly who he didn't like and why when they were in earshot. he was spilling his drinks, couldn't stand, leaning into me, staring at me boss-eyed and drunkenly and just laughing at everything i said, slurring. it was cringeworthy and i could hardly look at him. it was the biggest turn off ever and my dream guy was a true nightmare. i was disgusted, and wondered how much of this was the real him. my friend got drunk too, was sick, and we decided given the circumstances, that it was best if we all went back to his house to stay over. Soon, he sobered up, was humble and polite and when some barman refused him a drink, he graciously said "i'm sorry, youre right, i respect what you've said." genuinely apologetic. At home he was sheepish, his house was beautiful, quiet, full of books and music and art. he became quieter and admitted that he was embarrassed and was sorry for ruining the evening. he started to turn into a nice person, and i almost wanted to hug him and say "its okay, don't worry". i started to find him attractive again. in the morning, he was considerate, mellowed, hungover, we had a few conversations, and for the short while i was there, i enjoyed his company. he seemed more comfortable, i had decided sod it, as i now had no make up on, sweat pants, my hair was a mess, etc. i just thought, this is cool, maybe i went in with too many expectations. after i left he text me saying he made a fool of himself. weirdly, ive wanted to see him ever since, just to kind of see what hes really like. i still enjoy his online communication very much, and he showed me some of his artwork and i thought it was beautiful and interesting and i wanted to ask so much about it. all the time though, i'm still reeling from the fact that he is totally different to how i expected. In my mind, although I kind of want to be around him, and talk to him, as tho I’m still crushing, I would hardly say “ I fancy him”. i still dont have a clear image of him in my mind. Has anybody else experienced this with meeting somebody "In real life" when they were totally different? And is sexual chemistry everything? Can you start to fancy somebody even if you don't find them attractive at first? If its any consolation, i usually end up with people who i really fancy, but then after six months the relationship is dead as we have nothing in common. This is strange and I don't know how to proceed now. I still really like and admire him and want to talk to him, but it was hardly "cut the sexual tension with a knife" time. What should I do? I don't want to waste anybodys time as i get the impression he likes me.
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crush, drunk, his ex, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love  +, writes (3 March 2010):
Give the lad a chance. What just cause he didn't make you want to take your pants off on the first date you assume there is no sexual chemistry? Ask yourself this. In the past when a guy made you want to get naked right away how did it always end up? Your obviosly still single so I'm guessing your not with any of them anymore. Girls are always talking about how they want a guy who will respect them but when they find him they act so put off. Let go of your past and turn over a new leaf
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 If he genuinely intrigues you, continue to talk to him. Sexual tension need not always be there first. It can develop.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Don't judge a book by it's cover. First impressions counts but it could be wrong in this case.
You could be fantasizing too much and when reality sets in , you were disappointed and when you are disappointed, you will view things with a biased view.
Get to know more of him before you decide if you want to continue further.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (3 March 2010):
Yes, your expectations were certainly unrealistic. I once had a similar situation where the guy I emailed with turned out to be awful and must have weighed about 100pounds and was very unpolished and couldn't even speak. The remedy to this for the next dates was to speak on the phone a few times AND Skype with a webcam to get a better idea of what/who I'm meeting. I mean, you didn't even speak to him on the phone first?!!! But definitely, Skype is the best for Internet dating. Also asking about drinking/smoking habits in advance might be a good idea! But you know what? He could have possibly been a little taken aback too "the so much makeup" drunken comment is a clue. At the end of the day, nobody is perfect and when you get to over age 30, the only thing that matters is if he can hold a decent conversation, has a job and is single. The external stuff (anorak and old trousers) are easily fixed. Good luck
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