A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 33 I have a three year old son and married for seven years, my husband is 54. There is the age difference and then our cultural background is starkly different as well; I am an immigrant. In the seven years that I am here I have not accomplish much. I have not been able to work or pursue my own goals as he insists that I travel with him all the time when his work requires it and it use to be a lot. I was wide-eyed and bewildered with all the travelling. My friends were jealous and it does look enviable. However like anything else it gets tiring especially if you are just tagging along and feeling like you have no sense of purpose other than that. It wasn’t until I had a baby (three years ago) that he finally bought me a car before that I took a bus to get anywhere or he would pick me up or drop me off (we live in the west). When people ask him when I’m getting a car he would say “she doesn’t have anywhere to go” it was true. I was in his mercy totally dependent. I have very little friends, isolated and lonely. On the outside though people think I was his great match he is a consummate salesman and I went along with it, I played the role. He also supports my family and subtly yet constantly reminds me of that. He is dominant and I am docile, he is aggressive and I am passive, he has a quick temper I am quiet, I don’t nag but at the same time I am also a coward afraid to tell him my real feelings. I have told him several times on pursuing on something but somehow it always ends up to how he would want to do it together or what would be better for me and what was better for me was what is good for his image and working wasn’t so I did not. Perhaps I should have been more persuasive on my wants but he wears me out and eventually drops the subject… Before I met him I never had any relationship of any kind with the opposite sex although I had a career it wasn’t much but I was working towards something. But there he was and I was excited to have someone like him who has focused his attention to me traveling thousands of miles back and forth to pursue me, I felt special not knowing if it was love but I definitely felt special. Even then he was always slightly standoffish, possessive and domineering but I shrug it off as “cultural difference” however, I have been here (US) long enough to know it has nothing to do with culture it is simply his personality. Over all he is well intentioned. However, his overly affectionate, overly attentive, and overly protective nature to not just me now but to our son as well has been suffocating. Making matters worse he is now working from home which makes personal space non-existent. I haven’t have feelings for him for a while now but I owe him so much that I could just not leave. I am emotionally and sexually unattached, unhappy and I escape from it by sleeping or attending to our son anything to distract us from intimacy. I feel bad for him as he genuinely to love me.He did have some quick sexual encounter overseas more than once but I was not overly jealous I just happen to find it out and discuss it briefly with him and like anything else drop it off. Recently, I went on a trip and had a quick sexual tryst with another man my self. I had every intention on doing it I even prepared for it. I know there is no way I could justify such action. I am not entitled to doing what I did in any way shape or form just because I am bore or lonely since really getting even was not my intention. I was simply being selfish and went for it and I do not regret it. But, when I came home I felt lonelier than ever (so I advised against it) it doesn’t solve anything it just make things worse. I do not expect a relationship from that incident but now more than ever I wanted to really leave my husband and be my own person (pursue my own happiness and interests) My reasoning is that he deserves someone who will truly appreciate him and love him the way he is capable of loving someone. I am not that person. I have disgraced our marriage and I honestly don’t love him anymore. But then there is a question of my son. Divorce is a messy affair it goes without saying. And I am afraid it will have a long term effect on my child. I have seen him use our son whenever we have our disagreements and I am afraid it will be blown out of proportion when I bring up the divorce issue if I ever have the courage to broach the subject. So I am torn as to what the right thing to do. Should I stick with this marriage and be miserable or should I go for it as everything eventually settles down and in the long run it is much healthier for us and our son or is it? Help!!!!
View related questions:
affair, divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm afraid to bring counseling up since as far as his concern our marriage is doing well. Honestly, I don't even want to try. I have been reading a lot of books about this and like anything else depending on what you are looking for it goes either way (work it out or get out) I know I have issues but most of all I want out. I just don't have the courage to do it right now and I am miserable.
A
female
reader, OliviaAna  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 "Are you willing to try marriage counselling? It gives you a chance to speak out without your thoughts being interrupted and you have a chance to voice out your own opinions. While he may not be open to counselling, the last resort if you find that you can't stay in a marriage any longer is to suggest that both of you try marriage counselling for him to understand your point of view and to consider if you can continue to live with him or not."
I really hope that works if HE'S willing to go.
Most men are so self involved they think it's the woman's problem, not theirs when in fact it takes two to get it worked out with the Counselor as mediator.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. Will be dwelling on these.
...............................
A
female
reader, OliviaAna +, writes (16 December 2010):
Get out while you can. The age difference will only leave you feeling lonely, unloved and miserable on down through the years.
...............................
A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (16 December 2010):
Do not feel torn, but search for your escape. I mean, from this situation. Reading your letter I have got an idea; you should start some studies maybe at a university, or else, you have to know that. During your studies you may meet several guys and girls, and you may have or quick trysts, or deeper friendship, or deeper emotional relationship, or all of these, what the life will offer you, and you have to accomodate yourself to that. Accept your husband like a furniture in the house, and live your life as comfortable as you can form it for your expectations.
...............................
|
