A
female
age
30-35,
*leeplessJealousy09
writes:For the past few days, I have had a pretty high/medium sex drive. Currently, I am 17, and I've only had one boyfriend - When I was 14. I'm still a virgin, but I find myself wanting sex.My plans are to save myself for marriage, but lately, I've been thinking differently. I do masturbate, and have been to porn sites. But only because I was curious as to what people actually do during sex. However, I stopped going to those websites, because I felt dirty. Most people see me as a sweet, innocent young girl. I have an image to cultivate, and I feel that if I ever do have sex in my teenage years it would portray me as someone..I don't know slutty. (No offense)Sometimes I think that maybe I should do the whole friends with benefits thing, but it's not what i want. I want to lose my virginity to someone who I love, and who loves me. I want it to be special. I have felt ashamed that I want this - to have sex. Other times I worry "Do I really want to have sex with only one person for the rest of my life?" Well, but it wouldn't matter because I would love the person. I just think that I should experiment to see who can satisfy me.So, I need your opinion. Should I stick with my plans to save myself for marriage or just wait for the right person even when I'm not married? Another question. How does one initiate sex? For those of you who are experienced, does it happen so sudden like in movies or is it usually planned ahead of time?
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friend with benefits, porn, sex drive, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Sigh
Come back and tell me you feel the same way in 20 years, hon.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): SleeplessJealousy,
I'm the male anon poster that you had quoted (about the double standard).
What you said, and what I said, is exactly the point. I'm saying it tears men up inside, and you're saying it shoudln't. Don't you realize what I'm getting at? FEELING THAT WAY IS NOT ANY WILLING DECISION THAT ANY MAN IS MAKING! They have no more control over it than whether they were born attracted to women instead of men!
You say you hate this double-standard. Well, that's fine. That's fair, that's reasonable, that's healthy for long-term relationships, etc. Most men would love to feel that way too.
But unfortunately nature & biology does not care about those things when it programs sexual & romantic feelings. Nature just figured out that men sired more of their own kids when they sought out virgin partners, so nature forced this urge/feeling into men. It was never something men are born with any choice about.
The men suffering from this emotional hurt hate it too. (Why they hell would any man WANT to hurt over something that he can't fix and knows makes no logical sense in the first place?!? Men aren't STUPID. It's not that they don't KNOW that this is stupid on an intellectual level.) But this was never in men's power to "decide" in the first place. They were born to marry virgins or feel hurt about it permanently, and there's nothing they can do about it.
But what can anyone do? Most men are sexually active before marriage because nature was just as insistent that they do that too. That only makes it fair to extend the same rights to women, doesn't it?
And the men that try to stay virgins until marriage themselves . . . they don't get any respect for it. If a guy comes onto a site like this and says he wants a virgin bride, the first thing that happens is he gets ripped a new asshole in criticizm. Even if he IS a virgin.
And after a certain age, the male virgins usually just get stuck with non-virgin women. Worst of both worlds. (And the vast majority of women don't even respect how horribly screwed it feels in the end for a man to stay celibate only to find out his wife didn't. Most women just get self-righteously angry at him if that man even admits to how he feels.)
It sucks all around, doesn't it? Blame nature.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): OP, sorry to hijack your thread again, but I just want to make one more reply to lonewolf82 and then I'll stop writing here:
lonewolf, thank you for your reply. I'd like to point out some conclusions to which you jumped. It is NOT obvious that there was a lack of mutual love in my relationships, if true love means caring more for the welfare of another than for oneself. Nor was deception an issue. It was immaturity and lack of problem-solving ability that broke things down, combined with some genuinely intractable differences. People just often don't know what they want, or what is bothering them, or how to get what they want or how to find out what their lover wants (not just sexually). For instance, a young man insecure about his lovemaking ability might obsess about his girlfriend's previous lovers, instead of spending the effort to learn more skills in making love (which often require learning better communication and patience, rather than Kama Sutra acrobatics.)
In my case, sexual problems triggered deep-seated insecurities in my ex, which led to depression, jealousy, and controlling behavior. We would have given our lives for each other, but were all the same incapable of having a productive discussion about our problems; plus the chemistry was lacking on my end (sometimes I wonder if I simply lacked the receptors for his pheromones?) To answer your question, could our problems have been found out without sex? Possibly yes-- for instance, if he had lost his job and found himself dependent on me, or under some other insecurity-inducing stress which would be hard to produce on command.
Our later marriages to wonderful spouses show that we did have the capacity to thrive, just not with each other. After all the drama, we still care for each other and are glad at each other's successes, and exchange annual holiday greetings. Happy ending.
Sex can release a lot of raw and powerful emotions, both good and bad. How a person deals with them can inform you about your future together. Having got over the honeymoon period with DH long before we got married, we saw that we had staying power and could keep it fresh even after the hormones calmed down. Not that I slept with him because I was "trying him out", but once sex is out of the box it's hard to tuck it back in again.
In general I of course advise young people to put the brakes on sex, as their own bodies will be pushing the accelerator. You should test every other compatibility, in religion, finances, attitudes towards childrearing, domestic chores, etc. first before having sex. You can learn these only through daily contact with a person for a period of years. But compatibility in attitudes, energy, and enjoyment of sex is certainly has a lot of disproportionate power in making or breaking a relationship, at least at first. I'd prefer to go into marriage with clear eyes, not with rosy goggles colored by sex-fueled infatuation.
These are my final words on the subject. It is unromantic to accept that true love can be built, killed, or rebuilt by the accumulation of unimportant details including sex or housework, or that a person can have more than one true love. It may even be scary. But, I hope that whether you agree or disagree, my words can help you a little bit towards a long, happy, and nonjudgmental life in love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Please remember this is an international site and some of the misunderstandings and differences between us are because of this very fact. Cultural norms and social values have an influence in what advice is appropriate in which situation. I think this lady is lucky enough to be able to make her own choice, and thankfully she has been given good advice, so she can take the time to see which path suits her best. Blessings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): P.S. lonewolf, my other relationships were fine sexually. They broke up for other reasons, some good, some bad, but always a different one each time so I was learning at least. Perhaps my earlier post gave the impression that I would be shallow enough to break up with men because of bad sex, but this was not the case. It was that particular one which had its flaws revealed by sex. The relationship ended because my boyfriend dealt with his insecurity in fashions unacceptable to me. But it would have been hard for me to predict this in the two years of romantic friendship that preceded the physical relationship.
I wholly agree that once one has made the jump to commitment, one should do everything in one's power to make a relationship work. However, some couples have a lot more work to do than others, sometimes beyond their strength or experience. When I was young, I was less able to judge about the type of person with whom I worked best. Some are lucky and hit a good match right away, others wait and watch carefully before they jump in, others must learn by doing. While others disagree, I personally think it's a good idea to know as much as you can before making the leap into marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): lonewolf82:
I'm the anon female poster you addressed.
Of course if my DH were to change today I'd stick by him and make things work. But we've had 15 mainly very happy years together to remember, and it keeps getting better. We have had periods of "incompatibility" in fact, when because of children, work, or depression one of us has lacked the energy or hormones to want to have sex, but the other has been interested. But we abide and this has not been a major source of conflict.
DH has never been torn up by the fact that I had previous lovers. Of course, I have been tactful enough not to give blow-by-blow accounts, out of respect for the privacy of my old boyfriends and myself. DH and I had similar numbers of previous partners, and I think it was a good thing. Having previous partners and lots of exposure to the opposite sex in the form of dates and friends, we were able to appreciate each other's good qualities without being hung up on stereotypical sex differences like his poor communication (I'd already seen much worse), or my tendency to overanalyze (he knew this is how girls are.) It disturbed neither him nor me that the other had had previous lovers, and the fact of our previous experiences even added a little intrigue.
As for the young man I left because of "incompatibility": His way of making love didn't turn me on at all, we had terrible communication about how to make things work as I was shy and he was very defensive, plus in retrospect I realize that I never felt physically attracted to him but I was still so inexperienced that I was trying to make myself feel more than I did. We thought we were in love, but once we started to have a sexual relationship, we began to fight over other things and everything went very badly. Would counseling have helped? Probably, but in this case, I now realize that there were enough problems with the relationship that it would have been uphill all the way to make it work. The bad sex was the last straw, and I'm glad we didn't get married and find it out. It seems that Love should conquer all, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that at the same time, you need to conquer all in order for love to stay.
Does that satisfy your curiousity about what "sexual incompatibility" could be like? I also know that there are some couples who have had trouble because one person was more adventurous than the other, or simply wanted more sex than the other, etc. One can compromise to some extent, but it can be such a major issue that it could become a dealbreaker when there are other problems to deal with as well.
Now OP, it sounds like you've made a wise decision. You're wise for a girl your age, and I know you'll prosper in both love and sex!
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female
reader, SleeplessJealousy09 +, writes (13 July 2008):
SleeplessJealousy09 is verified as being by the original poster of the question To:male reader, lonewolf82 +, writes (13 July 2008):
anonymous female reader wrote:
Just wondering, what will you do if for some reason your husband becomes incapacitated to *satisfy* you? Will you stop loving him, eventually? Ok, I'm a virgin so I'm not writing from experience, but: what exactly was the *incompatibility* with that particular guy? I always felt that almost any sexual *incompatibility* can be solved in a loving environment. I mean, as long as his penis doesn't have a medical problem getting up or it isn't extremely small, I think any *incompatibility* can be solved ... Am I so wrong on this one? Anyway, shouldn't love be above these sort of *incompatibilities*?
Yes, because love conquers all. I wouldn't stop loving him, there's no way I would. I never said that I would stop loving him if he could not satisfy me. I said it wouldn't matter if He couldn't. And that would give me the opportunity to "teach him a lesson or two". ;D It's not just me who wants the pleasing, I want to be able to satisfy him. And how can I do that when I have no clue what I'm doing? I can't just ask him! wait..could i?
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female
reader, SleeplessJealousy09 +, writes (13 July 2008):
SleeplessJealousy09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo: A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008):
Original poster, your last response said something so TOTALLY wrong about men that I have to stop you here:
MEN GET EMOTIONALLY RIPPED TO PIECES AT THE THOUGHT OF THEIR WIFE HAVING BEEN WITH ANY OTHER MAN BEFORE THEM. AT ANY TIME EVER IN HER LIFE.
That is a complete double standard, and is one of the few things that I hate. So what are you saying exactly, that my husband can have a sexual relationship before he even meets me and I can't? Excuse my language, but that is complete bull shit. Why would a man be "ripped to pieces" knowing that I had been in a sexual relationship before we even met. What would count is that I chose him to spend the rest of my life with, and that HE is the only person I want to have sex with.
All I said was that in the future, I want to be able to please my husband - just by knowing what the hell I'm doing on the first night of our honeymoon. I wouldn't care if he had a sexual relationship before me, i mean if he was in a committed relationship and decided to take things to the next level with her, that's ok. And I think it would be ok too if I had done the same thing. I think that you would agree all that counts is that I chose him, and want ONLY him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Original poster, your last response said something so TOTALLY wrong about men that I have to stop you here:
MEN GET EMOTIONALLY RIPPED TO PIECES AT THE THOUGHT OF THEIR WIFE HAVING BEEN WITH ANY OTHER MAN BEFORE THEM. AT ANY TIME EVER IN HER LIFE.
Maybe this seems strange to you, especially if your husband has already had sex with other girls before you. But TRUST ME, this IS the way he'll feel. The vast, vast majority of men do.
It's just biology at work. The male mind's emotional programming draws little distinction between his woman sleeping with others in the past, versus her sleeping with other men in the PRESENT.
Of course this is not "fair." I don't hear the male gender even attempting to suggest that it is. This viewpoint is not any kind of willful decision or ethos on men's part. Nothing of the sort.
This is PURE EVOLUTION working. If nature gives men emotional pain over something every single day for the rest of their life, then they tend to try to avoid it.
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A
female
reader, SleeplessJealousy09 +, writes (13 July 2008):
SleeplessJealousy09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, what I meant to say was that I somehow felt the need to experiment, not to see who can satisfy me, just to "know my stuff"
What if I end up being a virgin and my husband isn't? I mean, I know that he'll still love me, but I'd like to show my future husband that I know what I'm doing.
It's like I'll be the student, and my husband will be the teacher. Mmm..Maybe that's a bad example...but anyway, I'd like to become the teacher now and then through the marriage.
It would be awesome if we both were virgins. That would help. lol. Anyway, guys thanks for all of your answers. I don't care when I lose my virginity whether it be at 19, 28, or 40. I've decided to wait for the right person.
I've always imagined my first time with guy, where we have ourselves a little picnic in his living room - eating strawberries, and drinking champagne. It sounds cliche, I know. Actually I've imagined my first time in many, many ways. I really want it to be spontaneous, but also have condoms just in case since we probably had the sex talk previously - whether it be two days before, two weeks before, or months before.
Now I'm not so sure if I want to have sex while I'm still a teenager. Teens hardly ever get any privacy. I just want to sleep with the one I love, and be able to wake up to them the next morning. And I'm guessing it's only common for married people to do that.
Hah. Now I'm rambling. I'm just going to wait for the right person.
Once again, Thank you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Deary, you'll know orgasm when you feel it ;) Just keep at it while it feels good, and orgasm will come.It sure can arrive during masturbation. In fact masturbation is a good first step to, uh, I was going to say "self-knowledge", but also to having a successful sex life no matter whether you start tomorrow or wait till marriage. I have mixed feelings about porn, which can be helpful as a starting point for fantasy, but creates very unrealistic expectations and is terrible technique-wise (much of what you see would feel yucky if performed literally that way or at that tempo.)I would just advise you to be flexible in your plans, but do wait until you are with a loved and trusted boyfriend for your first time. I waited for sex till I was 22, but didn't get married until I was 29. I don't feel I was slutty by any means. However, I'm glad I got to "look under the hood" as it were, because although I loved each boyfriend with whom I chose to get physical (more than 1, fewer than 5), I feel it would have been a disaster to have married them without having tried them out. One guy in particular was completely incompatible even though we had the romance of the century before we went to bed together. Boy, am I glad that didn't happen after marriage!Hope this helps, and may you have a long and prosperous love life!
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female
reader, SleeplessJealousy09 +, writes (12 July 2008):
SleeplessJealousy09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have another question. What does an orgasm feel like? And can it be done when masturbating?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): By the way, don't believe the popular conception that the one-partner-for-lifers only think their sex is good because they have nothing to compare it with.
You can have dozens of sex partners for decades. But if you've never had a consistent & loving & attentive partner that you really trusted & communicated with to learn more about each other, then you're still not going to be making much progress. You'd probably be having worse sex than a teenager who's been with the same partner for six months.
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male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (12 July 2008):
You ask yourself "Do I really want to have sex with only one person for the rest of my life?" That won't matter at all because if you've never been with anyone else, than there will be no other sexual experience to compare to what you and your husband have!
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male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (12 July 2008):
You should definitely save your self for someone who you respect and trust. Sex could make you become closer to a person emotionally, so it's like you are trusting that person with your heart. IF you don't wanna risk heart ache, then either wait until you're in a loving committed relationship or have a one night stand with some other horny teenager on a weekend LOL! Just kidding about the horny teen part of course :o) Just make sure protection is used! As for how it happens, situations can be planned and making out will lead to gropping and close will come off and yada yada yada. But don't be stupid! Don't let your panties come off if neither one of you has a condom!
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male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (12 July 2008):
yeah...right. Wait till you're in love, and if the sex sucks, then you break up with this wonderful man who you've grown to love so much? BS! Why so you wanna save yourself? IF it's not because you think that fornication is a sin in the eyes of the ALMIGHTY, then forget saving yourself till marriage. Fornication (sex between two people not married to each other) is more common then lying! Marriage gives you exclusive sexual rights to someone. What married couple is chastized for having sex? Married couples are expected to have sex and if they aren't, then they're must be something terribly wrong! You are an American and more than 50 percent of marriages fail in American! Do yo think it's because people get tired of the same old sex partner, tired of sneaking around to have an affair, or tired of being accused of being unfaithful(and they really are but there's not evidence to prove it LOL). IF you are not saving yourself because of spritual beliefs or religious beliefs, then there's no point!
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A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (12 July 2008):
 There's no rush!Many teenage girls rush into, or get rushed into sex at a young age and later regret it -- and the experience can put them off sex for some time. Of course you are getting sexual feelings and urges...after all sex is the most natural act on Earth! But that doesn't mean that you have to rush into it or lose your virginity for no reason.The fact you are thinking of saving yourself for marriage is very mature, and of course it's only a decision that you can make. If you think it feels slutty, don't do it. But as someone else said if you meet someone special, you may change your mind...it's up to you.I guess the point is that don't have sex if you don't really want to...trust your feelings.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): You sound like you've got a Madonna/whore thing going here.
That's liable to make you the girl that resists having sex with respectful loving boyfriends & situations where it's healthy, but then gives in and does totally slutty things with strangers in fits of weakness.
Not good. Not good at all.
I think you need to start facing the fact that you're a sexual being. You don't even have to DO anything sexual per se, the mind is much more important. You need to start reconciling the idea that sexuality is not just something in the realm of the "dirty" and non-respectable people.
As for waiting until marriage before sex, I have one thing to point out about that. If you're not sure whether it's really going to be a big deal or not, THEN JUST READ THIS WEBSITE FOR A FEW HOURS.
There are TONS of people (mostly teenage girls) regretting losing virginity in one situation or another. Mostly regretting it too young with too much of an asshole. And in the back of their mind, the girls usually already knew he wasn't serious about them the whole time but they wouldn't admit it to themselves.
And there are TONS of grown men who are still twisted up inside knowing that their partner has had sex with others, no matter how "irrational" they might know these feelings are. And the more "casual" that their wife's sex was, the worse it pains the men every single day for several decades later.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 It is nothing to be ashamed of for the desire to have sex. It is perfectly natural to have these feeling with all your hormones and you blossoming into a lovely woman. I had the same idea when I was about your age that I wanted to save myself for marriage because I thought the consept of finding ones true love and giving them that gift was special. That is not a bad value and some people do manage to keep this as their value.
My mother, however, never wanted this for me. She would have respected my choice, but never wanted this for me and gave me a good bit of advice to think about.
If I were to marry, that is a big commitment and need to be mature to work hard to maintain it. If I slept with only one man ever, could I be happy with that enough never to wonder what another sexual relationship is like. How would I know mine is good? If it were mudane or boring I wouldn't know and my partner may not be pleased and would look elsewhere and BOOM thats the marriage in jeapordy. Likewise if he doesn't please you and you marry you are stuck with just that and you may be tempted to look elsewhere for satisfaction and BOOM your marriage is in jeapordy.
Now that is not to say that people who are virgins who marry dont have good sexlives. I have a friends who both are married to eachother, both virgins and have a good sexlife, but I can tell you they both desperately wonder what another person is like and they are both contemplating swinging for a bit because they both feel like they missed out. Its their decision if they do or dont, but I dont have that feeling because I have slepted with 2, a long time partner of 4 year and my husband men and feel no desire other than my husband.
I slept with my then partner at 18 when I felt I was ready to deal with the consequences of my actions and we were both inlove.
If you do sleep with someone just make sure they love and respect you and who you love and respect in return. No one could think of you as a slut for wanting to show ultimate affection to the one most dear to your heart.
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female
reader, SleeplessJealousy09 +, writes (11 July 2008):
SleeplessJealousy09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just feel that if I ever do fall in love while I'm still a teenager, then have sex, it would make me just like every other girl - who have no patience to wait until they're married. I just want to be different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Wait until you're madly in love with the person you eventually have sex with. It's the ultimate expression of love, and the first time will be so much more special than if you just have a 'one off' just to see what it's all about.
Whether you wait until marriage is your choice, but I would think a virgin entering marriage is something of a rarity these days. It's just a piece of paper to demonstrate your commitment to one person, and has no bearing on whether you'll be sexually compatible. When you're sure you're both madly in love with each other would be a good time to start your sexual career. It would be so much less fulfilling before then.
It's usually (in my experience!) the male who does the initiating and the female either agrees to it or not as the case may be! Just make sure it's what you really want to do before agreeing to it otherwise you'll feel violated and guilty and all sorts of other crazy emotions if you're not.
Your hormones are probably kicking in at the moment which is why you have this desire. It shows you're growing into an adult and these feelings are quite normal.
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A
female
reader, Tremor  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Don't feel ashamed that you want to have sex. It's one of the most basic of human instincts, and it's totally natural to want to have it.
Whether you save yourself for marriage or not is not a decision we aunts can make for you - ultimately, it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with. If you would feel, as you put it, 'slutty' having sex before marriage, then don't. If at any time you meet someone special and you change your mind, well that's ok too. Sex within a comitted relationship isn't 'slutty' - 'slutty' is banging lot of dudes with no emotional connection. In my opinion, anyway - others may think differently.
As for your second question - it can be a bit of both. But in my experience, it does tend to be more of a spontaneous thing. You kiss, then you kiss some more, hands start to wander, clothes come off... etc. For me, planned sex doesn't seem to have the same atmosphere.
Good luck to you.
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