A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i met this new guy over the christmas period at the lake. xmas day to be precise. his name is John (not real name). we started off very well.we met by the beach.i had a little problem with my car and it just happened that i mentioned about it in between our conversation. and he offered to help. made sure all was okay and that the car was in good condition. anyway that just an insight into what he is like.we went to a christmas party later that night. we talked a lot. our conversations just seemed to flow. he opened up to me. he told me he is going through a divorce and is trying to win custody of his daughter. he says he needs someone that is understanding and patient to be with him. i think i can do that but am kind of skeptical. he says he really likes me. we have gone on a few dates since we got back home from the lake, and so far so good. i think am falling. but then again, he says he cant offer me much as of now cause he has a lot going on. so i should decide if il be around for him or bail out.i need help. cause i could not be thinking straight. NB: the wife is in another country with the kid.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Once he is divorced and free, he will be like a different person and he will be looking to date around.
Don't be his 'go to girl', his problems are his own and asking someone to be understanding and patient means he is looking for someone to excuse any crappy behaviour or awkward circumstances that might come up.
This happens a lot, vulnerable man needs someone to lean on and comfort him through divorce so he never has to be alone...divorce happens then POW, he dumps her and starts playing the field.
I know he's being nice to you, but it's way too soon to invest any feelings. Like all the other aunts have said, take a big step back, date him as a friend but date other people too. If he is still keen after his divorce, then that will be the time to start investing. People going through divorce and separation are not the best to get romantically involved with...too much drama!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): I wouldn't, too much baggage for me to invest my emotions in. I'd do casual sex and some fun but would not get too close, I certainly would walk if I was "falling".
"Patience and understanding" is a lot to ask of someone you've only known 3 weeks OP. You've stated what he needs, what about what you need? Do you really need to fall for a guy who is going through a messy divorce?
I mean trying to win custody of a child is a very big deal, financially, emotionally there's not a lot left over for a relationship. Plus you have to question why a guy would try and take custody over a mother. I mean fair enough if she's a drug addict or something but if she's not then I can't see why he'd not just do a joint custodial arrangement.
"anyway that just an insight into what he is like."
You mean what you hope he's like. It's been three weeks OP, if all it takes is having a look at your car to think someone is a great person then you're selling yourself a little short.
At the end of the day this is for you to decide, OP. But you must understand he's told you he's not going to be a good, regular partner. He needs someone to take some of his baggage and listen to him moan about all this, be willing to let him take out his frustrations on them, be prepared for him to be broke, take his side in the custody thing even if you don't necessarily agree with his reasoning.
OP his situation is very heavy, too heavy for me and frankly while you might think you can handle it after 3 weeks you've seen nothing of what this situation really is or who this guy is.
In my mind he's just not emotionally available for anything serious and will just end up using you as a release, which would be perfectly fine if you could remain emotionally detached.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your time and answers . so helpful and i appreciate. just to clarify a little. this guy isn't giving any excuses. he makes time for me, he calls. texts and what have u. am a little bit of a pessimist. so its hard to take his word that how i found myself asking for advice coz it gets to me. i get confused at the thought of him just sweet talking me and all that but then again i cant help thinking he could be one of the few good ones. i don't know hey. and we are not sleeping together yet.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 A guy who is going through a divorce is a guy in a lot of turmoil. I personally would take a big step back, let him go through what he needs to go through, especially as he has said out loud that he can't offer you much now.
Basically, he's going to get his needs met, presumably by a "patient and understanding" woman, and your needs will be ignored, because he's "got a lot going on right now." That's a very lopsided and unbalanced relationship. Your resentment will build, he'll maintain he warned you upfront about his not being there for you….
You've known him for what, 2 weeks? And he's already making excuses for treating you poorly?
Nah, it sounds like an extremely bad deal for you.
Keep looking.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Hi, don't get too close and make any sacrifices. This includes not sleeping with him. Tell him all you offer is friendship, when the divorce is final and he shows you proof that it is really over then only can hope for serious relationship. Many claim to be leaving their wife or in the process of getting a divorce but very few actually do. And yes almost every single female thinks their relationship is different and that the guy will divorce. History has shown how few were right. Don't get involved with a married man until his divorce or else prepared for years of heartache and broken promises.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Personally (and maybe because I'm an old fashioned person) I would not date someone who is still married. Even if the divorce is ongoing, and the wife is out of the country, he is still TECHNICALLY married. So his first priority is is daughter, then the divorce, then trying to rearrange his life, then work and THEN you.
He sounds like a good caring guy. So I can understand that you are in two minds. On the other hand it's only been 3-4 weeks?
How far in the divorce is his, is it going to be a "custody -battle"? Does he even have time for you? And are you willing to be side lined every time something pops up pertaining to the divorce? Are you happy with what little time he can give you now?
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