A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 8 months. We are going through a bad patch at the moment but I don't want to break up with him because I really love him - if I didn't I would have broken up with him ages ago. I just need some guidance on what to do to sort things out or if I need to be honest with myself and realize it won't work.Its hard to explain but I will try my best:Background info:-We met online-We are in a distance relationship-We both still live at home (I pay rent, he does not)-We both can't drive although have tests booked soon-Its a two and a half hour train journey to each other-I have a long term career plan and degree-He is in a job the he hates and has no degree-I work Monday to Friday-He works shifts (mornings, afternoons and nights)-I am 24 with a lot of ambition and want to get moving-He is 28 laid back and in a comfort zone.The issues:- The distance is very difficult, its a long train journey which is done every week and costs add up. Communication over the phone is hard - its difficult to have a relationship over text and the occasional phone calls around our different job patterns.- We don't get much quality time together because of our work patterns. When he's on his days off (during the week) he will come to mine so depending on the shift he's going onto next, he stays for one or two nights where we can spend the evenings together when I get back from work. If he's working the weekend then I will go to his where we spend a few hours together before or after he goes to work. I'm then left at his with his family... Luckily I get on very well with then.- I'm am concerned that he is in a comfort zone and is reluctant to move from it. He is 28, living at home with no bills or expendure to pay. He is in a low end with no progression. His mum has bought a new house and will be selling the current one soon. He said he is looking for jobs but I'm pretty sure if he was looking properly he would have found one after a year of looking.- I said to him the last time we met that ideally he should have a new job by Xmas because if he does not then he will never have a new job. I explained to him I'm worried for his future and if im with him for mine because if he does not move jobs now, he will struggle to find one as he gets older. - I said to him ideally he should look for a job around my work area because I have great opportunities coming up for me to progress high in my job so I would be stupid to move and lose that where as he does not have a career plan so its easier for him to move. Then we can move in together and the long distance issue, where a lot of our stress comes from, would be sorted.I'm trying not to be pushy but I'm really starting to lose my pacients ... I feel like he's in a comfort zone which is holding me back from what I want to achieve in life.What do I do???? Stay with him or come to reality and move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you need read it stoney1215. He does not have a degree, the job he's at, he has been working at for 5 years and hates it. He has been back at home for 6 years and does not have a full UK driving licance (not passed the test). I don't think I love him, I genuinely do love him! He's sweet, kind, loving and does care a lot for me.... He's just not committing which is a worry for me.
I'm not wanting him to turn into my 'ideal' man, I just want him to meet me half way and commit to moving in together so we don't have the long distance anymore.
:'(
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): "I said to him the last time we met that ideally he should have a new job by Xmas"
"I said to him ideally he should look for a job around my work area"
You need to stop waiting for him to change into the "ideal" man you want him to be and accept him for the person he is and always will be. If you can't do that, and it seems likely you can't, then it's time to move on.
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A
male
reader, Stoney1215  +, writes (5 October 2013):
Why do you really love him ? Is the living situation new ? Has he recently not gotten a degree or gotten a job he hates ? Has he just now decided to not have a license or a car ?
My guess would be that he is probably the same guy he was when you met him and you have started to realize that you are growing up and youre starting to realize that he is not.
He is 28. The reality is that he is probably not going to get much better than he is now. I ask you again why do you think you really love him ?
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