A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been w/ my "fiance" for 5 years, with our son 3 yrs, he wants to marry me but he has cheated several times,even while and after pregnant he'd continued I've left him, kicked him out but because of our son we kept trying to work it out, I feel stuck miserable and crazy that were still unmarried because of me, I still love him but not as passionately as I use to, it's not the same and I don't feel he's able to be monogamous, yet he says he's committed and wont cheat again, we even moved out of our home town so he wouldn't get distracted from his old "friends",If I try to leave him he cries, beggs, and threatens to even kill himself if were not together but I still don't believe he'll change I feel its just for our son and my looks I'm more attractive but I'm pretty sure that shrank with my bitter bitchy attitude but who can blame me, really? especially when he checks girls out and I'm afraid he'll be smarter about hiding it, help I'm going crazy what 2do I don't want him to kill himself yet I contemplate my own feeling so confused and overwhelmed?
View related questions:
moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (26 July 2009):
 This whole guilt trip your fiance is manipulating you with is just way to over the top. You can't guilt someone into loving you or staying with you and making them marry you.
Marriage should happen when two people are in love 110% and they want to spend the rest of their lives together and live a happy and stable life. They don't need anyone else in their lives, they only have eyes for one person and each other knows without a shadow of a doubt that they can trust the other person, they know that they are loyal, loving and faithful.
From what you have said this guy is known of these things so it is understandable that you have not gone down the marriage route with him.
So you have moved away from your old home town, a cheater can sometimes behave but if they did it once, chances are they will do it again, apart from moving has anything else altered, i.e. his personality has changed, he is much more loving to you and your son. You spend more quality time together as a family and go out and do things as a family and he NEVER wants to spend hours on the computer or going out on his own for long periods of time?
I think before you consider marriage you need to both commit to some couple counselling - you both cannot erase the past but with an unbiased third person you may get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place and try to make ways in which it won't happen in the future. By talking through any issues you are having an emotional clearout of all the pain and anguish you had during this time. The hurt you felt when you were pregnant and after you had your son.
In all of this your son is the totally innocent party, he hasn't had any say and you have to be the one to stand up for him. Do you want him to grow up seeing his father act in a certain way and think it is acceptable. Maybe seeing his mother unhappy but staying with daddy for the sake of him could put an enormous amount of emotional pressure on him as he grows up. Resolve the issues now and if your fiance is not prepared to do it with you then why go ahead and marry him. If however, he will do whatever it takes then there could be a way forward.
Find out some information on someone who is suitable, someone who is registered and monitored as there can be unscrupulous people who are not part of a federation and who do not get regular monitoring as this keeps it official and above board. If someone has to keep records of all their counselling sessions and continues to be part of a trusted organisation then you know without a shadow of a doubt that they are a professional and can be trusted. Find out costs as well and see if you can afford to do this, even if it is one meeting a month initially just consider it before you make any decision right now.
Hope the above helps in some way.
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Never let yourself be blackmailed into staying with someone...And you can't stay with him just for the sake of your son, who will not benefit in any way from growing up in an unhappy household. Can you imagine 40 years living with this guy? Never getting the chance to experience a happy and fulfilling relationship? Wasting your life with a loser?
You deserve better, and so does your son xx
...............................
|
