A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help? I am in a de-facto relationship of 18 months, we have bought a lovely home together. I love him very much but unfortunately it is the old hollywood line "I love him but I'm not IN love with him". I don't want to hurt him, I thought I was madly in love but recently I have been realising that I have fallen out of love with him. He is a wonderful man who would do anything for me, we have dreams for our future together, we wanted to start a family together. I don't know what is wrong with me, I should be happy, but I can't help but feel unhappy in this relationship. I think it has got to the point where now I love him like he is my family not my lover/partner. I love who he is, but I am not in love with him. If I break it off it is going to hurt him badly, and I don't want to hurt hum. What should I do? Should I stay in this relationship secretly unhappy in love and just try to make the most of it to give him a happy life and the future he wants with me, or should i end it? Any advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): Thankyou to everyone who has replied to my question, all criticism, advice and support has definately been taken on-board. Thankyou also to the lady who wrote in about her sister, everything you said she is going through is EXACTLY what I am feeling, just obviously my relationship is much shorter than her 10 year marriage, thankyou for writing in, it is relieving to know that I am not the only person going through this, and it was insightfull to read your version of her feelings, biggest thankyou for your advice and your story. I do feel horrible that I have such an amazing partner and I am thinking of throwing that away, if this was someone else who had come to me with this problem I would be tempted to smack them in the back of the head and tell them to wake up to themselves and appreciate what is right infront of them, and that is what you have all made me realise, particularly the sister story. Thank you to everyone, I am trying my best to make it work. Thankyou xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): Hi,
I can relate to what your going through in a way because my sister is going through a similar situation now. I don't think anyone knows truly how you feel because everyone is different but my sister has a truly wonderful husband and I would go as far to say I don't think you get them any better to be honest. I would love to have a man treat me the way he treats my sister and for a man to love me that way. I do believe that love like that only comes around once in a lifetime it really does!
I'm not saying that if you have fallen out of love that you should stay to make him happy - of course not because honestly it wouldnt make him happy either and thats not fair to the both of you but my advice would be to have a good long think about what you want out of life, can this man give you it and is there anything at all you can do on your own or together to make this better! I think before you end it you need to put alot of effort into trying to make things better and then if it all fails you have given it all you could and know that it was the right thing for you both.
My sister has been with her husband nearly 10 years and she has been very happy for the majority of that. Just out of the blue she is feeling like she has fallen out of love with him and after nearly a year she is wanting to end it. The thing is she loves him but isnt in love with him and feels like he is like a family member too but I dont think that she has tried everything yet to make this better but has given up too early and I am so worried that she thinks the grass is greener because that isnt always the case. She assures me that she doesnt love him the way she should anymore and thinks it best to be over but it breaks my heart to watch her go through this because he truly was the best man that walks this earth!! I adored how he looked after my sister and thought they were so right for one another. I know that you cant live someone elses lives for them and I do try to stay non judgemental when she talks to me about it but I feel she is making such a big mistake and if she isnt happy now then I am not sure what would make her happy!! I feel like she is in self distruct mode at the moment through personal issues and worry that it maybe causing her to feel this way - I am not sure but I guess that at the end of the day I just want her to be happy and and if it means that she doesnt want to be in that relationship anymore then thats the way it has to be! She is her own person and knows herself enough and I have to trust that she knows what she is doing!!
Hope you find the answers you need - keep your chin up!
Sometimes we try to look for a beautiful rose but we fail to see the one we have right by our door!
Honestly though marriage does need alot of effort daily by both partners to ensure that both are happy together. Try to have a think of anything that could change the way that your feeling now and make you happier. If you could be happy with this guy again then its worth trying isnt it!
Hope it turns out alright! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): do try and fix things with this man first he seems like a nice guy. considering the way you put things across i believe you are just confused slightly or are going through a funny spell. but however if all fails there is no point staying with a man you do not love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): It's like that other hollywood line, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"
I agree with Emily, you two should find things to do on the weekends on your own, or spend girls and guys nights out once and a while. I definately think you should give it time. If you're really unhappy, then maybe talk it over with him, or even some girl friends, about ways to spice up the relationship again.
You should never stay with someone who you're not IN love with, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try and work it out to where you are.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (13 September 2009):
 From what I know, this is fairly common around the 18 month mark. The hormones wear off and it doesn't feel like it did when you first started going out. This is why a lot of relationships flounder at this point.
I think that you should give it a little time before you call it off. Take a little time apart from each other and focus on the things that you like about him. Determine if you're having those feelings of safety, security and trust and the most important one...JOY. Those are the signs of a deep and lasting love. Love is not gone when infatuation ends; it turns into something deeper and more enriching to your lives.
However, if you're still not feeling it after a few more months, it would be kinder to break it off than lead him on thinking he has a partner for life.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Foxy_Mama  +, writes (13 September 2009):
Aaaah, the dreaded 18 months mark. You no longer have those crazy in love hormones to carry you through rough patches and disillusions. Reality sets in.
It is hard for us to tell you what you should do. If you're unhappy, something should change, that's for sure. What is less sure is that that something is your BF.
Try and take a long sober look at your situation. At who you are and what you want out of life. Only when you figure those things out can you start worrying about whether or not he is the one for you.
This may be a case of having to grow up and realizing that perfection doesn't exist. No matter how in love you are any relationship needs work. In fact even we, as individuals, need work. It's what makes us grow. But work turns into slavery if you don't have or don't share clear goals and values.
Take care!
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female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (13 September 2009):
You cannot be with someone you dont love it will make you bitter and him too,in the end. However when you are in love you cant expect to for it to be rainbows and lollipops allday everyday. real love goes thru stages. sometimes when you love someone their very presence makes you ill. This is not a reason to throw someone out of your life. You possibly may be confused, perhaps not. Give it all you got first . It may feel like you already have ,but i mean really, your best effort. Once you know you have done this, and you still feel the way you do now, then you will feel better about leaving him. If you left now at 18 months you would be short changing yourself especially because you and him have invested money into the relationship. Thru your post i can see that your dilema is very painful. Dont give up just yet . Have you talk to him about how you feel? If not try . If you leave too soon you can end up regretting your decision. If wait to long you can really end up her the other person.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (13 September 2009):
Well first off you should give it a try at fixing things.
I'm betting you spend a LOT of time with him since you moved in together so fast.
When 2 people spend every day together they stop being themselves and just pick up aspects of the other person's personality.
If he is a square and you are a circle then you both turn into D shapes. So it's no wonder you've gone off him, you fell for him because he had 4 nice corners!
Spend a bit more time apart. Go on a girls weekend away, get him to go off and kick some kind of ball into a muddy puddle with his guy friends.
Join some new clubs and get out of the house. rediscover who you are and how you've changed. Talk to him and get him to be himself again.
Talk to him about your worries, but don't tell him you've gone off him. Just say you think it's all happened a bit fast and you've both changed and you don't want that to cause problems in the future.
You might find that after a week of hardly seeing each other that you have loads of stuff to talk about and he's got that spark back and stopped just being that soppy guy who wanders round the house telling you how much he loves you. He'll be the guy you were first attracted to again.
Good Luck!! xx
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