A
female
age
51-59,
*nonymous325
writes:I am trying to decide whether to stay with my husband of 20 years. We have four children together, ages 4 to 13. I just am not in love with him anymore. I can honestly look at him and feel empty. When I told him this, he was devestated. He works away and when he would come home on the weekends he would spend very little time with us. I had gotten used to living life without him in it. And two of my children had told me that they allow themselves to be mistreated by friends because that's the way he treats me and they didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I decided that day that I had to leave him. Well since then he has done a 180. And I honestly believe he will change. But the problem is, the feelings for him are gone. And about two weeks after I decided to leave him, my first love contacted me. And the feelings that I had for him are still there. Which helps, but also makes things more complicated. On the days that I talk to him, I am very happy. So I'm trying to decide whether to stay and hope that the feelings for my husband come back over time. Has anyone been through this? I would appreciate any advice. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous325 +, writes (16 June 2010):
anonymous325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I spoke with a couselor today who said that divorce hurts children and unless there is abuse involved, it is better to stay in the marriage and try to work it out. She compared our lives to a ping-pong game, hitting the same ball in the same spot back and forth. Well, when my child's statement opened my eyes, I said, I'm done with this game, and I hit the ball in the corner. Well he went over and picked up that ball and is holding it in his hands. Now I am on gaurd just waiting to see where he's going to throw it. It makes sense. And she said that he has a lot of crow to chew. And it will take a long time, at least six months. And he wants me to accept him with open arms today. She didn't say that I was the victim of verbal/mental abuse but I know that I was. And I really don't want to be his guinea pig, just waiting to see if he will be a different man. But I will sacrifice anything to avoid hurting my children and I will suffer in silence to protect them. But if there is ever any sign that he will become the abusive man he was, I will be out of here before he knows what hits him.
A
female
reader, anonymous325 +, writes (15 June 2010):
anonymous325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto an anonymous female reader: Oh, no, my first love is not waiting in the wings to sweep me off my feet to a fantasy life, and I would not want to start another relationship without ending this one. My decision has to be to go on alone (which I pretty much have been for years now) or to stay. My husband is trying sooo hard. He even brought flowers to my mother to apologize to her for mistreating me. But he's also emotionally unstable right now. He's acting like his world will end if I'm not in it. I'm still walking on eggshells feeling like his life is in my hands. I don't know if he really feels that way or if it's a guilt thing to keep me here. He expects me to open my arms and accept everything he says. But how am I supposed to do that after 15 years of broken promise after broken promise? So I'm still here, holding my breath, waiting for him to return to his old ways. But we both have made appointments to speak to a counselor. I would advise you to make an appointment also.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): oh my god i am a complete copy of your life i have four children and have been with my husband for 23 years i am the same age as you too, i also have someone who is hanging in the scenes to carry me off to a wounderful life, everything you have said is the same i just cant seem to relight the feelings for my husband it has been a month since i told him how i felt and that i was leaving and yes he has sudenly changed but will it last ?????? i so dont want to waste any more of my time on him if he is just doing this as a temporay thing....
...............................
A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (9 June 2010):
What bugs me here is that he was apparently lousy to you for 20 years, but once you put your foot down... presto, he can change after all.
Whatever you decide to do, I think you should have at least a few months to yourself where you live apart. If he can't understand or support that, then he hasn't really changed.
Regardless of whether you decide to leave him or not, his counseling is still important: he can become a *constructive* part of the lives of his children who treats their mother with respect.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous325 +, writes (9 June 2010):
anonymous325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDekten, I have always been a people pleaser and put the needs and wants of others b4 my own. And looking back on this relationship, my husband has rarely supported me or been there for me when I needed him. I just learned to live with it and stayed for the kids. I didn't want to traumatize them. But when my children made their statements to me, I realized that I was cauing them more trauma by staying. I would have left that night had it not been for the fact that I gave up my career to be a stay-at-home mom. I had planned on re-entering the work force and leaving when I could financially afford to do so. And when he was told about their comments, he started to change, went to counseling, brought me home flowers, et. cet. The problem is that I have absolutely no attraction to him at all. I love him and I want what's best for him and I have actually thought of him with another woman and felt nothing but happiness for him. So I am at the point where I had decided that I do not want the next 20 to be like my last 20. And I am not having an affair with my first bf. He lives a few hours away and has his own life. He just gives me the support and strength I need to stand up for myself, something I've never done before. So I'm still not sure whether to give him another chance and hope those feelings come with time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous325 +, writes (9 June 2010):
anonymous325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have always been a people pleaser, putting others needs ahead of my own. My husband has never been supportive of me and has rarely been there for me when I needed him. In reality he had lost me a long time ago. I just stayed for the kids, because I didn't want to traumatize that. But when my one child made that comment to me, I thought that staying was causing them more harm than good. I would have left that night had it not been for the fact that I gave up my career to be a stay-at-home mom. I decided to get my career back on track and then leave him. And I don't think that the fact that my first bf contacted me a couple of weeks later was purely conincidental. There is no affair. He lives far away and has his own life, but he gives me the courage and strength I need to stand up for myself, something I had never done b4. So I am at a point in my life where I have decided that I don't want my next 20 years to be like my last. And when I told my husband this, he changed, talked to a counselor, found out what his problem was. And he's trying so hard to change. But I have absolutely no feelings for him at all. They died a long time ago. I just don't know if they will come back. And I don't know how long I should wait and see if they will.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): If you are cheating - stop. If not - dont start. Whether you leave him or not, put your kids feelings in front of yours. Do you think it'll be easy for them? My mom and dad has gone through a divorce and let me tell you that they will feel more pain then you. Think about them before you do anything.
NightFairy
...............................
A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
Well, if you've got a whole *20 years* invested into the relationship, then giving counseling a shot wouldn't be that bad.
What I do find worrisome, however, is that it was apparently normal for you to be mistreated. And openly, in front of your kids. How long has that been going on? For 15 years? 19? 20?
Given this history, I would definitely NOT continue the relationship WITHOUT counseling. Otherwise the old patterns of abuse are SURE to come back again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Stop comparing the man you are married to [with all his good and bad traits] with the man you are cheating with who will only show you all the good things you want to see.
You and your hubby need to go to counselling and get your marriage back on track. You are not the first person to feel that way about your partner.... these things CAN be resolved but it takes both sides. First you must STOP ALL CONTACT with your bf and start communicating with your husband.
Sorry to say but you are cheating, emotionally, with another man and that is not the way to rectify problems within your marriage.
Honeygirl
...............................
|
