A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I hope you guys can help... At the end of last year I had started living with my boyfriend of 5 years in New Zealand (he moved out there a year prior to me to get established) but then my Mum got cancer. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to come back to the UK as I was scared and so I did return, just before Xmas. Since that time Mum has been through a major operation and has spent months in hospital recovering. This has taken its toll on me mentally and physically - not to mention my relationship - I am close to a breakdown. My Mum has just come out of hospital today, the cancer is gone but she is weakened and she is now saying that she "needs me here". I spoke to my boyfriend today (who is also British) and he has told me he is angry and depressed and doesn't know where his life is going. Towards the end of the conversation he said he can't go on like this and I need to tell him what is going on otherwise he is finishing with me. This is not the first time over the last few months that he has 'threatened' our relationship like this. I want to be with my boyfriend but his coldness at such a difficult time has made me wonder if he cares that much even though he has tried to also be considerate and patient. I am torn up inside at the fact that Mum needs support (over and above what my Dad can do)and yet I cannot do that from so far away in New Zealand - I stand to lose my boyfriend over my Mum's illness. Either way I feel terrible and I am so down I cannot think straight - don't know how to make a decision. My boyfriend clearly will not wait any longer and my Mum seems to need me more and more since coming out of the confines of hospital. I seem unable to come to any conclusion or find any answers.... the pressure is unbearable! How can I make the right decision?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I cannot thank everyone enough for their support and advice - it means so much and I am considering it all very carefully. This is a brilliant website I am so grateful.
A
female
reader, Courts4  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Hi
You need to stay with your mom , she needs you now more than ever.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 You had this conversation with him the day your mother came from from hospital? Oh no, no, no, no, dear. You are emotionally and physically exhausted, and in no condition to make life decisions at this point in time. Nor is he. He should not be pushing you to make decisions like that at this point and you should not be forcing yourself into doing it either.
What's another week to think and reflect at a time like this? Or another month, for that matter? What's the rush to decide? I think you are stressed, he is stressed, your family is stressed and this is the WORST time to make big moves or decisions.
I agree that you should be assessed for depression and you would almost certainly benefit from some support group interaction, for carers and co-survivors. I would also strongly recommend that you do some self-nurturing, including good diet, exercise and I personally love yoga for balancing jagged thinking processes. You should be doing your best to get a good night's sleep too. I am not a regular practitioner, but I have heard wonderful things about meditation. My point is that you need to take care of yourself, because if you fall to pieces, you'll only compound the problem. That's not what you need right now, more complications.
Your mother is facing her recovery period at home now, and certainly is scared and exhausted herself. She may be speaking out of fear and not out of necessity, if you understand the distinction. She may just be saying "she needs you now" because having you around makes her feel better, not because she won't be able to function without you.
My point is that none of you are in any state to make huge decisions right this minute or today or tomorrow for that matter. I'm sure your boyfriend would recognize that too, he's probably speaking out of frustration and loneliness himself. If he doesn't change that "me/your mother" tune very soon, though, I would begin to wonder if he's really worth a lot of self-sacrifice on your part.
As another aunt said, you only get the one mother. I think you will be happier in the long run if you do your best for her now. Now, that "best" could mean that you stay with her for a defined period, like 2 months, and then move back to NZ. You'll have to assess that with a calmer and more rational brain, however, and that means just letting that go for right now.
She got home today (or is that yesterday? doesn't matter) and everyone's emotions are going to be all over the place. Alas, we are all mortal and when we face life-threatening illnesses, that really drives it home that we may not be around any longer. We have to balance what's best for us with what's best for those around us. Whose need is greatest? Whose capability matches what need? I think all these types of questions need to be answered, but not in a "ME-OR-HER" pressure cooker.
If your boyfriend doesn't understand this and continues to pile on the pressure, I would have a good long think about him being a good longterm partner. He's been your boyfriend for 5 years, why isn't he your husband? Has he not asked? Is he keeping a part of himself in reserve? What's up with that? Well, that's a question for another time.
Give yourself two weeks to decide. Set a decision date, discuss, reflect, nurture YOURSELF as well as your mother and father, talk to other care-givers, talk to a doctor for yourself and don't force the decision.
Best wishes to you and your family at this most difficult time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I know how hard this is for you, because I have dealt with something very similar myself (I'll explain more later). It is a situation so stressful that I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can really understand the feelings of fear, exhaustion, and helplessness that you are going through right now.
The first thing to say is that your boyfriend's behaviour is unacceptable. He has no right to put you under pressure at a time like this, and that he has done so shows a lack of empathy and understanding for your position that is frankly staggering. He should be in your corner, supporting you one hundred percent, not adding to your already overwhelming stresses by forcing you to choose between impossible alternatives. He may be depressed and angry, and he may find long distance relationships tough. But what about you! It's not like you're swanning off for a wonderful vacation without him - you're watching your mother fight a horrible, decimating illness, and you are yourself close to meltdown. His problems are tiny compared to yours, and to be honest, he needs to grow up and deal with them a bit better.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh towards him, but I'm speaking from the experience of having dealt with a similar situation. My mother had cancer, and had to undergo three operations, a course of chemo, a course of radiotherapy and two years of a horrible drug therapy after that. It was gruelling and utterly brutal for her physically. I lived 400 miles away, and due to having work and housing commitments, could not move closer. Rather than supporting me, my boyfriend became depressed and angry, and was often physically and emotionally abusive. If I was upset about her illness, he would tell me that I was 'worrying over nothing' because my mother 'wasn't dying just yet'. He would also abuse her to my face, because they don't get on, even though she was very sick. He also claimed he was angry and depressed - but refused to deal with that depression in an adult way, by seeking counselling or seeing a doctor and taking medication, preferring instead to vent at me. Going back to see my mother became a huge issue every time I went, and to this day I feel guilty that there were weekends when I didn't see her because my boyfriend was creating havoc at home and I was scared of losing him.
Throughout that time, I felt exhausted, confused and on the verge of a breakdown. At times it felt like my head was full of angrily buzzing flies - I couldn't think straight or make decisions. Though my relationship with my boyfriend survived my mother's illness, it broke down as soon as she was well. I think this was because I suddenly had the headspace to realize for the first time just how selfish he had been, and just how unsupportive. In the end, I just couldn't forgive him for failing so spectacularly at a time when I needed him.
You don't say much about your mother's situation or prognosis. One thing I would say to you is that the first part - the shock of finding out about it, and the operation - are very physically and psychologically bruising. Though no-one could describe radiotherapy or chemotherapy as a walk in the park, those treatments do have a kind of horrible rhythm to them which allows more of a normality to establish itself. For instance, when my mother was having chemotherapy, it would follow a three-weekly cycle: she would need a lot of care the first week, directly after the treatment, less the second week, and be almost lively in the third before the next dose. What I'm trying to say is that, even though things have been beyond tough for the past few months, your mother may not need you all the time as she goes through post-operative treatment. She might think that she does right now, but that's the fear and the pain that she's been through talking. The fact is that she probably will have times when she feels more or less alright, and times when she feels very bad indeed.
You don't need to be there 100% of the time. In fact, I would say that it would be a big mistake to put your entire life on hold during this period. You need to look after yourself too - and by that I mean that it's incredibly important that you have enjoyable activities outside this illness that see you moving forward. It can be very easy, when faced with illness, to clamp down and focus entirely on the patient - but this is a trap, particularly if the illness if likely to be longterm. Please remember: if you're not psychologically and physically well, you can't be a good carer. Bottom line: taking care of yourself is good for everyone, and that may sometimes mean having a break from your role as dutiful daughter to be other things to other people. However others react, you absolutely should not feel guilty about making that decision. It's not selfish - it's smart.
My advice to you, which comes with a good measure of hindsight, is to try to find a compromise position with both parties, and to be firm about it with both. Instead of you having to leave the UK, are there real barriers to your boyfriend coming back to Britain with you for a bit, while you take on a caring role with your mother? (And by real barriers, I mean something he absolutely cannot leave, like a thriving business with tens of employees, rather than just a job he sort of likes and a rented house). You should come first, second, and third for him at a time like this, and he should be willing to make some sacrifices to support you. It's times like these that really test relationships, and believe me, you don't want to be stuck with someone who fails whenever the going gets tough.
At the same time, I don't think you should feel guilty if you have to go back to Australia for a while. I honestly don't think you need to be there with your mother 100% of the time from here on. You don't have to live in the same house and provide 24/7 care - she will have good days and bad days, and a block of time here or there spent with her will be a godsend and make a big difference. Perhaps you can arrange some temporary work, or some work you can do from home, which will allow you to maintain a lifestyle across two continents, where you fly back to Oz for a month or two, then to Britain for a month or two, then back to Oz, etc.? Internet technologies like webcamming and Skype can be a godsend in enabling you to give 100% emotional support, even from the other side of the world.
I wish you and your family the very, very best. I am keeping my fingers crossed for your mum, and hoping she gets better soon. Do feel free to message me privately if you do want to talk further. :)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 June 2010):
 What a terrible situation to find yourself in. You are obviously a very good daughter and your relationship with your mother is important to you. I think your demonstrated priority has been (quite rightly) with her. Her dependency on you should lift as she regains her confidence now she has the all clear but it could take time. She (and your whole family) have been through a terrible ordeal and you all need time to heal from the stress and pain of cancer. I can understand that your boyfriend misses you but, in the circumstances, it is not reasonable for him to make such demands on you. If this relationship has a future it has to be a future where he is prepared to support you throughout what life chucks your way. Another person posted that your mother should rely on your father 'in sickness and in health'. While there is some truth in that vow, you also need to apply it to your relationship with your boyfriend. Long term relationships and marriage are based on flexibility and adaptability. If he doesn't show these qualities to you at a most difficult time then an alarm bell should be ringing. I suggest that you make a plan to go to NZ or for him to come to the UK for a holiday soon. You can talk face to face about all the issues in your relationship for a few weeks and I am sure your father can deal with your mother's care needs in the short-term. I also think you need to see a doctor to be assessed for clinical depression and ask for details of the local carer support network. Treatment may help you see things more clearly and if you meet with other carers in your area then you may not feel so alone.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (9 June 2010):
 You mother needs your father - they married in sickness and in health and I think that it is unfair of your mother to expect you to give up your life when your father is still around to help her.
You need to sit down with her and your father and explain that you are only a flight away from her but you need to get on with your life as you have your own commitments.
Then contact your bf and tell him you are coming home - please tell him that you need him and you understand that he is hurt and feeling unimportant in your life, and that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him.
Honeygirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Not a nice situation.
Your b/f doesn't seem to be showing much patience or support during a painful time for you. On the other hand, have you not seen him you came back to the UK at the end of last year? 6 months is a long time to be apart - for you both. And from what you say, you have no idea when you'll be able to go back.
Some points to consider:
Are the doctors/specialists able to give a time when your mum will be able to cope without you being there constantly? Perhaps being able to specify a time when you'll reurn will settle his uncertainty.
Have you shared your feelings with your mum? No parent would want their child to suffer - she might be less "needy" if she realises what you're going through.
Would your b/f be able to come back to the UK too?
Relationships come and go: you only get one mum and dad.
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