A
female
age
41-50,
*adlib
writes:Me and my girlfriend have had a roller coaster of a relationship...we are at a point now where we fight all the time and I have resorted to reading articles about how you know you are in a toxic relationship or not...so i went through and answered some topics...jut looking for some insight....Life priorities:What is important in my life? My relationship with my lover is important to me. So is my career and what direction my life is going in, Munkee(my dog), my family, my friends, becoming a better person spiritually and emotionally. These are all incredibly important to me. This is why it is soo disheartening because my relationship with my lover has been on the rocks for a while now with drastic ups and downs. It has particularly clashed with my goals of acting in los angeles and how my gf doesn’t feel I prioritize her over acting when I was doing it. She supported my quitting my job to pursue the goal and would help me financially when money was low and physically be home and take care of the pups by herself. She disliked the hours away from me though and the feeling of not having a supportive partner to help at the house. I am trying to figure out how to have both, and have eliminated extra work because financially it wasn’t supportive enough at just the base rate. I have since picked up a temp job that allows me to be home in the day but I still don’t see her until later in the evening and I think she wishes she could see me more. In fact is has gotten progressively worse and now we rarely spend quality time with each other and fight more often then not. Our dynamic has affected my interaction with my friends and how I feel it difficult to sometimes talk or hang out with my friends because it makes my girlfriend uncomfortable and she either feels I am still in love with my ex who is still a friend or that I talk shit about her or that I like to smoke pot with them occasionally which she greatly frowns upon. I sometimes think it isn’t worth seeing or talking with my friends because of what she might think or say after hearing that I have gone to hang out with them or talked to them on my phone. I still write and keep up the conversations with them, but I don’t feel comfortable trying to have deeper relationships with my other friends because my girlfriend doesn’t feel I am a good friend to her. It has played an influence in my pursuit of becoming a more positive person because I feel like I am tested regularly…I suppose that is good practice but my partner has a more negative outlook on her life and about people and I am the exact opposite. Sometimes it is nice to hear the opposite but more often it makes my partner feel unsupported by me and she feels that I am using it as a technique to ignore problems because I choose a different method of dealing with them then the blowing up method that she chooses.Do I still have the genuine enthusiasm and passion for the relationship? Admittingly all this fighting has made me tired of the situation and I know it has made her tired as well. We are both tired of the fighting and not the lack of passion but the lack of compassion from each other. We have since turned most arguments in to a right vs wrong deal and rarely a compromise from both parties is seen. I love being with Shannon when we are happy. We both warm each other’s hearts and enjoy the fun that we have, but the good times that we use to have seem to be overshadowed by the arguments as of late. I tracked us for 9 days and 3 were good, 2 ended in fights where we went to bed without speaking and 4 had fights that ended with us speaking and being civil and nicec again. I know that it is easy to forget the good times and to only remember the bad, but it is alarming to think that we can’t go without fighting every 3 days and lately our good times are just being able to make it through the day without fighting. They say for every bad day/remark/insult you need a minimum of 5 positive days/remarks/compliments to counter and make up for it. Sadly I only feel the former and not the latter and I wish and hope that it wasn't the case. Do I trust Shannon? Does she trust me? I don’t currently believe that Shannon will ever stop doubting me. I wish that wasn’t the case and I do see and hear her saying that she wants to. But she always finds something in either what I say or do and they way she responds I don’t know if I can trust my heart to someone who may never let go of that initial distrust. I don’t trust that she will stop listening to the stories in her head vs actually speaking to me without getting a serious mental makeover. Right now a part of me believes that even though she loves me she just as easily could throw her hands up in the air and walk away if she was really upset at me(although i am in that position now), and at the same time I believe that she isn’t able to say that she quits,that she is done and over this, that I would need to say it or if I would do the same to her because I am so exhausted at this point. Part of me feels that means something too. I hear her question her belief in me and in us and I see her struggling with that and what that means to her. I want her to believe in me and I want to be with someone who doesn’t doubt that I am there for them and that I do love them. I want to be with someone who sees the changes that I have made for them and for the better of our relationship and who loves me for the person that I am and for what Ido for the relationship. Someone who likes all the quirks that make up me and loves me for who I am and not who they hoped their partner would be. I don’t know if she believes I have done anything for the relationship when I feel that I have..that is made serious efforts to do things that in past fights she has asked me to do. I know that she has said that she wants to trust me. I know that because of mistakes I have made in the past..(by the way, i didn't cheat on her or anything like that...I wrote in an email to a friend that what she doesn't know won't kill her, which she read on my phone and got very hurt by) that she finds difficulty in trusting me now and she feels safer trusting in the voice in her head that is there to protect her and to prevent her from being vulnerable.Do my lifestyle and values clash with Shannon’s? Like what? Yes several pieces of my lifestyle crash with Shannon’s. I have a more liberal perspective and often like to find new solutions of being and am willing to change those fairly quickly if I feel they are sound and relavant and positive for me. She is more conservative in thought and action and is less open to change and easily criticizes change. I believe in the power of positivity and am always looking for the silver lining, where unless it works in her benefit without catches does she see the positivity, instead she sees the negativity in the world around her and finds peace in her own solice. I enjoy being personable and exploring being social in this new stage of my life and would like to have someone who enjoys and would like to explore and create new friendships with others as well… by my side, as my partner. I want to enjoy being emotionally intimate with my partner, to lock in to that intimacy, but we have only danced around that barrier. She has concluded that she prefers limited social activity…although I question if that is true because she enjoys going to clubs and bars with her friends and in Vegas, but not so much in West Hollywood. I enjoy the occasional smoke(herbal) with my friends or by myself to relieve stress and to enjoy a more intimate conversation whereas she greatly frowns upon it to the degree of isolating me away from her when I do do it as well as looks negatively at me and my friends for doing it, and has a zero tolerance for it that she won't touch or kiss me or talk to me if she finds out i have been smoking. I tried to promise not to do it for her...but after a year I had an oppertunity to connect with one of my friends who smoked, and I realized that I enjoyed and missed the ritual of catching up and supporting each other while partaking of a bowl instead of a bottle.(I used to be a heavy pot smoker in college but don't do it so much anymore because of legalities although if given a chance I would choose herb over alcohol in a second!) I have more of a young personality, and although I love being a hermit, I like the idea of still acting young at heart(not being immature, but still willing to run through a fountain type of thing) and doing things that make me feel that way and I love the idea of goal setting with my partner and believing and planning for a future together.. Although she is 10 years younger then me, she acts like she is my age or older, and prefers to pursue different priorities…she wants the house, the kids, the yard, all with solitude from the rest of the world. Although I want all those things too, I also want the option of being able to be a kid nd to explore(i grew up in a town of only 1400 people and now I am in LA!-I am living for the first time with options but i am not saying i want to be single i just want to explore my envirnonment with the person i love the most), I don’t believe that you can’t have both..but she has expressed that she doesn’t want it here. She has expressed that she feels like she is living with a child because of things that I sometimes say or do and it tires her out and turns her off. I feel that this is a trait I have always possessed and although most have found it an endearing and honest quality that is not so in this case with her. I also value being open and true to myself and my beliefs and to say what is on my mind in it's innocence. I am willing to share all of my trials and tribulations with theworld if i feel it can help someone. I am out about being a lesbian and I am proud of it. I feel it is important to talk about my life with others to help spread the idea that same-sex couples are just like everybody else, with the same likes and dislikes and problems and hopefully it lowers the stigmatism that people have. I like holding hands and kissing in public when swept in the moment(respectfully of course). I spent many years afraid to come out and after doing so I spent many years being out and proud and shameless. Now I am with someone who has asked me to respect her wishes and to keep silent to her friends, isolating me from her family and to lie about my relationship with her to her friends. Shannon isn’t out because she is afraid of losing her families love and she feels her friends would leek the info to her family. I do believe she has at least one friend that she could tell who would respect her words, a male friend that shares personal things with her and about his marriage and treats her like a sister, but she hasn’t said a word to him either and we have been together for 2.5 years. She dislikes PDA and might at most hold my hand in a movie theatre if no one is sitting near us. Forget a goodbye smooch in the car, all our physical expressions are behind our closed doors in our own house. She has expressed that the idea of coming out would be easier if she didn’t live in los angeles, Otherwise, when asked for any kind of time frame she can’t give me one as to when she would tell her family or friends about me. I would never tell her to out herself, that isn't my call, but I have questioned what she will tell these people who want to stay with her 1,2,4,6,10 years down the road about me...will i still just be the infamous roommate then too? Until then I live in secret with her, and only as a couple to my own small amount of friends. Values that we do share are being there for our family….we both greatly care for our siblings and would be there for them in a second. Our love for animals, although she has said and does put her dog before me….she admits that she would do anything for her baby, and if it means not backing me up with an issue concerning the dog because she doesn’t think I am treating him fairly she will do so. We both do value everything that is supposed to come with any relationship…trust, respect honor…but the problem is that neither one of us is feeling that from each other at this time…we both value adventure and nature being in our lives. We both value our health and exercise.. Behaves abusively with your friends and family Shannon doesn’t behave abusively to my friends and family. She is cordial and respectful. She just doesn’t like me talking about my relationship with her to my friends because in the past I have said negative remarks that she had read and hurt her feelings and made her feel betrayed. This has made her hesitant on including herself with my friends even though they don’t treat or act differently to her, they trust that I know what I am doing and they respect my choices. 2. Betrays your trust Shannon has betrayed my trust of respect. She has said things in the heat of the moment that hurt and seem spitefull in almost every argument. I feel hurt and agitated by her words and blatant disregard when she ignores me calling her on saying something disrespectful towards me or when she says comments like that I am trying to turn the argument in to a pity party for myself after I mention that I am feeling upset and what words or questions she asked that made me feel that way. I don’t feel like there is any remorse from her when she hurts my feelings when I try to tell her it is hurtfull and disrespectful and I even more so question if she even realizes when she is doing it because she assumes it is ok. I also don’t ever see her taking any responsibility for our fights and for her responses, more often it is explained as being a valid reaction to something I said or did that she disliked and therefore my fault. This is frustrating and upsetting because I am not seeing a partner who wants to work with me to resolve conflict and make a better partnership and union with each other. It becomes a blame game of self righteousness. Shannon also listens to the voices of fear in her head and comes to conclusions about things from what she imagined instead of talking to me first. This feels like she gives me no benefit of a doubt and that I can’t trust her to talk to me first or even be able to believe what I say before she comes to an opinion. I feel damned if I do something right and damned if I do something wrong and am having a difficult time understanding how she can jump to conclusions so firmly and disregard the truth of what I say. I betrayed Shannon’s trust when I omitted my joy of smoking pot with my friends and conferring about that with them and not with her. I purposely distanced a part of myself from her for fear of her disliking me, and when she found out I only proceeded in making the matter worse then what I feared would happen. This is the breach of trust that I did within 6 months of the relationship and it has never been completely healed.3. Breaks promises Shannon has never broken a material promise. She isn’t so good at not coming to conclusions before talking to me though and this has come up in previous fights when I have asked her to talk to me before concluding. She feels that I break promises I make to her-this is because i promised at one point to stop smoking pot for her and i recanted it a year later because i realised i didn't want to continue to do that anymore because it wasn't an honest choice of what i wanted and it only made me distance myself more from the very few people that are a part of my support system(by the way these are hardworking prioritizing people with full time professional careers and jobs and goals, not tv watching/video game junkies trapped in a smoke filled room on a couch who just sit around smoking all day...like i said, they just socialize with a joint like they would with a glass of wine or a cup of coffee at a cafe). She suspects occasionally that I still talk shit to my friends about her, that I don’t make her a priority as much as I say I do, and that I only say things to appease her in the moment. Despite my efforts of being conservative with my time and talk with my friends and daily trying to come up with ideas on how we can enjoy each other’s company she expresses her irritation more then appreciation for me being in her life.4. Cheats on you I have never cheated on her and I believe she hasn’t cheated on me.5. Does not challenge you mentally She emotionally challenges me. She has challenged my thoughts politically and I have opened myself up to different perspectives, so in that sense I feel she challenges me mentally-although I don’t express my view points on politics because her criticism makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t say that she has challenged me mentally on any of my personal interests of acting, art, theatre, queerness, or social perspectives. She often talks about college as being a waste of time because liberal educators are only trying to feed you in to believing their viewpoints and my own educational endeavors on Buddhism and Spirituality has been critiqued as me just living in lala land.6. Does not support your goals in life I think she supports my pursuit to be happy and my pursuit to be with her. She encourages my art and she supports my drive to make money. Although she never said she doesn’t support my pursuit of being an actor( i think she admired me for taking such a risk to give up everything to pursue my goals and has said she could never do that), I think she does dislike the time commitment that it takes from each other and from our little animal family. She supports the idea of me becoming a personal trainer and life coach, I think she thinks it is more realistic and tangeable. I support the idea of her going back to school although I think she should do it for more than to just get a degree for the sake of getting it. I support her finding a job elsewhere because I know how unhappy she is at her current position. I support her buying a house and wanting a family but I am struggling with the idea that she doesn’t want to do it in los angeles. She just informed me she is buying a house with her families help in Vegas this year and she assumed I wouldn’t be going. She is correct that I am not at a point where I want to give up on this city and my goals of acting either in film or the theatre here and I don’t feel that I have exhausted that opportunity yet. So although I support the idea of having a house and family with her, I am not at a point in my life where I am ready to do it outside of los angeles and she is not willing to compromise or in a financial position to do so. I am scared to death of a long distance relationship with her and the emotional tole that could have when we are having such a difficult time with a face to face relationship. Neither one of us feels a long distance relationship is ideal but we would do it if we had to, but I would only go in to it if I knew we could work these issues out before hand.7. Is extremely jealous without cause I think she sometimes gets jealous of my ex who I still talk with and am very close friends with. I am friends with all my exes. I feel like I can confide in her without her judging Shannon and trying to impress any of those judgements on to me….she has always been respectful of her friends and parents feelings and can look at things analytically and not personally when asked. I think that Shannon believes I still talk to her because I am still in love with her or because there is more to our relationship that we want to admit. I have passed that intersection a long time ago and have moved on emotionally and physically, and despite me saying that to Shannon I think a part of Shannon doesn’t believe that because we haven’t yet created together the same level of trust with each other that I had created and still have with my ex. That is partly my fault because I was keeping the fact that I occasionally smoked pot from her and when she found out that I wasn’t already sharing everything I think she partly wanted to throw the towel in then and there and has been holding on to it ever since although she said she forgave me and we started over.8. Is not financially self-supporting She is very financially supporting and has been supporting me for several months now my half of the cell and cable bills…which I think she secretly is starting to resent even though she offered initially. I am the one that is hesitant on asking her for help and am struggling to make sure that my end is covered to prevent any kind of rift or financial dispute between us but financially I am not very well off since I quit my 60,000 a year job to pursue my passion of acting and now only make 12,000 a year. I do pay my rent and all my own bills and buy us groceries and clean the house and do all the cooking, so it is not likei am mooching or anything. I believe in equality!9. Opposes or ignores your thoughts, feelings, or concerns I think that lately with all the fighting that Shannon is more hesitant to agree or to acknowledge without instant criticism, ridicule, or judgements about any of my expressed thoughts, feelings, and/or concerns. I feel like most of the time my thoughts and feelings are challenged with statements about what I am doing wrong or if I do say something based on fact, instead of acknowledgement of what I said about how I am feeling it becomes a criticism of the words that I used and how they were wrong or the meaning of what I said was misinterpreted and now I am made to defend my feelings and why I meant by using those words. I feel I do try to understand her feelings and concerns but when I ask for more details or specific events so that I can understand better the conversation turns around and it is just generalizations about what I am doing wrong. I become very defensive and find myself yelling to try and get my feelings heard, which in turn only angers her and she refuses to speak to me altogether or makes it known that my “craziness” is a deal breaker. I don’t feel like there is ever a positive outcome in mind when we are fighting about our feelings, that instead it is a dual about who is right and who is wrong when neither of us should be right or wrong, and I don’t get any sense that there is any resolution in mind, that it is more to tell me how my actions are inconsiderate or wrong….whether I did something or not!10. Physically abuses you Shannon has never abused me physically. I am the one who recently in the last 5 months has developed more anger and rage when I feel like I am being talked down to or consistently on the defense. I started to lash out at one point and I hit a Gatorade bottle in front of me and my hand kept going around and barely grazed her nose…I was so scared at how upset I got and how close I got to actually hurting her. I have family that was in some very abusive relationships and I always vowed that I wouldn’t allow myself to be in a relationship like that, only to find that I was losing control of my emotions and almost turning in to what I despise. I have stopped this behavior when I realized it was progressing and instead I am looking at anger management through meditation and breathing techniques. I know to remove myself from the situation if I feel like I am being cornered unproductively which also has caused a barrier. When I get frustrated I want to remove myself when I feel like I am not being listened to, which in turn makes her feel like I don’t want to listen to her because I leave in mid conversation, sometimes mid sentence because I get too frustrated. This upsets her because I don’t think she understands despite my saying my reasons and so she thinks I am walking out on the conversation to not deal with it.11. Pressures you to have sex when you are not interested This is the exact opposite, Shannon withholds any and all affection when she is upset at me. This includes us sitting on the couch near each other to sitting at a distance. Reflecting any physical touch from me, like a hug, or a hand on the arm or back. We will go to bed on opposites of the bed and she will turn her back to me if I try to touch her or ask me to remove my hand if I try to hold her. She usually needs anywhere from 1-3 days before she accepts or gives any physical touch after a fight and sometimes I feel that she is doing this as a control thing, even though she has implied that it is because she is upset at me.12. Resists your attempts to improve the relationship This I would say is true. I think that she is all for changes that I need to make to improve the relationship she has in mind but because she feels so persistant in the fact that she is only reacting to me that she bares no responsibility to have to change the way she is to have the relationship that I want in mind. It is like I am the one that caused her to feel this way and therefore I am the one who needs to change without any considerations as to what I need to make those changes or changes that I feel she needs to make. I have seen her make some changes I have mentioned in the past, but the biggest ones still exist like her refusal to talk with me first before coming to conclusions and to even try to listen and believe what I have to say from my perspective, or to let go of the past and stop comparing my present actions to those from my past that she said she would agree to move on from, or to stop disrespecting me and my feelings by not acknowledging them and turning them around on me as if I am playing the wounded part for attention. 13. Shares your secrets with others She doesn’t share anything about our lives with anyone. Not even with the one friend of mine that she knows she can talk to about about us. I am her secret of 2.5 years. I am the one that has talked with other people about our relationship and that has been more often when I was upset and needed someone to confide in to. I might have talked to my friends about her a total of 12 times in the last 2.5 years because of how upset she got after reading my texts to one of them after a really bad breakup fight . Now a days I might talk to my friends maybe once a month, and only give the bare bones about my relationship. I am concerned that my not wanting to even talk to my friends anymore because I don’t want to have to worry about what she is thinking about me talking to them or what i am saying…..and even when I decide that I don’t care and talk to them anyway…that my not wanting to care one way or another is a problem and a sign that I am limiting myself as a person as well as a friend.14. Tells lies regularly I don’t believe Shannon tells lies regularly, if at all. I am the one who has told lies in the past to avoid confrontation with her or judgement. I have never lied about major things but the trivial ones like walking the dog or if I had talked to a friend. These little lies or omitions have added up and even thought I don’t lie anymore she sometimes thinks I am and has recently brought up that she questions if I still do even though I haven’t.15. Threatens violence She has never, nor have i16. Tries to isolate you from your friends and family I do feel that she has inadvertently isolated me from my friends. She lives that way and is more comfortable with a partner who would choose to do the same. She doesn’t trust most people and has been disappointed by many and would rather keep those people she does trust to a minimum. I am always encouraging her to go out and do things with other people. I don’t feel it is healthy to keep all of your thoughts and feelings inside and that it is good to share your life with people. To exist in other people’s lives instead of just you and your partner’s. I admit I stop myself from doing so because I think more about her then about myself. I usually end up thinking that it is best to not go so I don’t deal with any possible confrontation, yet although that was my choice, sometimes I get upset and resent not being able to think about that possibility without worrying about how she will react. She recently didn’t get upset when I went out with one of my friends, but I question if that would have been the case if it was my ex.17. Verbally abuses you or puts you down Recently she has started to shout out digs during arguments that feel like they are intended to demean what I have just said or she talks back to me with the intent to make me feel that my feelings are out of place or ridiculous. We both have been so pissed at one point that we resorted to name calling like Bitch or saying Fuck you, that has only happened once or twice but I have never been so enraged and defensive as I have in this relationship. I hate that it even goes there and I have always believed that we should always respect each other no matter what. When I feel like I am being so disrespected I want to lash out and do the same and eventually I have because it gets to a point where I stop caring about respecting her feelings because mine are so disrespected. I don’t understand how she can so easily get there without hesitation and I am ashamed that I follow.I know a lot of negs are in here....there are lots of positives too otherwise i would not be struggling with this....i don't believe in comparing pro and con lists when considering breaking up, because the issues lie deeper then just with that list....honest criticism from 3rd parties would be great...i have brought up counsiling numerous times...she has said no because of finances or insurance plans..or says she doesn;t remember me bringing it up, yet doesn't offer an alternative or follow through with one..so instead of me regurgitating to people she distrusts, how about to complete strangers who have no emotional investment in me.......thoughs?
View related questions:
cheated on me, immature, jealous, kissing, lesbian, long distance, money, move on, my ex, roommate, text, trapped, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sjo88  +, writes (2 July 2010):
hmmmm.. talking does not work.. because it just ends in arguments that just go round in circles. you have to possibly agree to dissagree or come to a compramise.
it seems your willing to see things from her point of view, but not her from yours.. which is not fair at all.
i suggest that you just say... ok then... as you wish it cant be fixed.... call her bluff.. and if she is still stubborn enough to not care about how your feeling.. is she really worth it?? because at the end of the day her jealousy etc is not anything to do with you or what your doing... its her insecurities.. sure being friends with an ex will always cause problems.. would you not concider loosening contacts with this ex to prove that you are serious about the relationship with your girlie??that could be your compramise?
x
A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (30 June 2010):
madlib is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked if she would consider writing down what it is that i do and how it makes her feel and we would exchange and talk about it...she said she was tired of reading books and just wanted to talk....so i suggested that we write down 2 or 3 "rules" of conversation that we need to prevent us from getting upset....talking tonight but it doesn't look good..
...............................
A
female
reader, sjo88 +, writes (30 June 2010):
It does not appear that you have a toxic relationship, from your answers there. However it does seem that there is a lack of communication in your relationship, you feel like your open and lay your thoughts on the line, however shannon does not sound like she does this therefor your the one who gets hurt.
Its the same in my relationship and i feel its very frustrating.
I think an idea could be...you write down what your feeling and show her, tell her how what shes doing makes you feel. I did this and it works alot, be careful not to judge what they do, because you should never do that, just be open and say when you do A B C it makes me feel like...., it may not be intentional but thats the effect it has on me... Often a lack of communication means that the other person refuses to see things from your point of view, or vice versa.
Relationships can take alot of work, but if your willing to both put that work in, then the rewards can be great!
Im not sure if it much help but i wish you all the luck with this!
Lots of love x
...............................
|
