A
female
age
41-50,
*arolina83
writes:I've been married for almost 5 years now. We rushed into things and got married right away. I've regretted it almost every day since. He's a control freak, a fault finder, and has some anger issues (but he doesn't hit me). He's never happy. Ever. I haven't been allowed to work outside the home, though I do have a degree. I've lost all faith in my own abilities and my self esteem is completely gone. But we have a child together, and I'm worried I won't be able to provide any kind of life for my son. Should I stay in this to make sure my son has what he needs? I don't know if I can do this on my own. It seems so much bigger than what I'm capable of.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2010):
It is a very difficult decision for those couples who find themselves in this dilemma.Which is better for your kids, to stay together or to divorce?
Put it in another way. Would you be able to raise your kids who would fare better in life if you stay together or divorce?
Would you find it more conducive to raise your kids in a dysfunctional environment or in a peaceful one ?
For more;-
http://laura1318.blogspot.com/2009/06/should-you-stay-in-unhappy-marriage-for.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): THIS GUY IS BAD NEWS! He will control you forever. LEave. It is no way to live. The more you wait, the harder it will be.
You can make it on your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): Dear Lady,
My advice will be different from many others in general and more practical. My take is that every one has it's good and things that he or she needs improvements. The issues that you listed dos not seem to big enough that you deprive your son from father and vice versa. Since in this column, readers are getting only your perspective and not others and your son is not even having opportunity to air his views. So i would not be passing judgement on your DH. Just thin about how may biases you already have against him and how you reacts to him. Please review these two and try to make it work with your DH within your home. If he is responsible for his actions and reactions, so are you responsible for your reactions to his actions. I can tell you upfront that there is very low chances that your next life will be better and it will solve all the problems that you think are the problems. You may end up having bigger problems. The flaw with all humans in the world and not only you are they tend to forget what they have, they only know what they do not have. You may have many good things about him as well which you may not get any time in future.
Does he have any other women? no. Is he commited to you and family , yes? Does he earn and happily invest all that in you and family yes,? if you get paralysis tomorrow in an accident, will he be with you for life , yes? or no? or if you get cancer after 4 year? will he sell all he has for your treatment or not? will he take care of kid after you or not? in all these condition, no other man will even worry about you and your kid?
I know the normal ego - battle in husband wife that goes on for life, and arguments are normal. But at the end of it, real love is tested only when some true test come in life, and i can guess that you will find him around in all those conditions. forgive and forget is best formula for marriage. you can try with any other man, you will still have some other may be much bigger problem.
So keep efforts to make it work and keep polite communciation to change him ( the way you want him )
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 March 2010):
I believe that you should not stay in a marriage when there is no love. Do not stay in an unhappy and loveless marriage because of your children.
It will only harm them more and stunt and warp their childhood developments
You have been mentally and emotionally abused and you have low self esteem, lost faith in your abilities, lost the ability to feel good about yourself and feeling very vulnerable.
You need to consider a plan of action to protect yourself and you need to resume control of your own life again.
You need to know what you can do for yourself,where you can get help and what support can assist you in this turbulent times.
The steps you can take
1) Get support from your parents, friends or professional counselors.
2)Plan to have enough cash to last a few months.
3)Develop skills to gain employment.
4)Find suitable accommodation for yourself and child.
5)Get advice from a lawyer ,Woman's legal resource center.
6)Explain to your child what is happening .
7)Join a support group.
8)Bolster your self confidence and self esteem.
Obviously , you cannot turn around quickly but this will be you plan to prepare for that final day when you can walk out from this marriage if it gets from bad to worse.
If you need any help ,please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
reference
http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/
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A
female
reader, Weramazing  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Have you ever spoken to him? It sounds like you have no love for him anymore so maybe working on things together is no longer an option. As for worrying about your son the best thing you can do is be a happy loving mum. Right now being with this man you are losing your life and your son will grow up thinking your husbands behaviour is normal.
You need to get out of this relationship it is not healthy as for your husband he can still see your son and should still financially support your son. So many people are single parents some are bringing up a big family on there own you only have one child and even if you had 10 you would be able to do it because that's just part of being a parent and you find the strength from somewhere.
It seems you are educated with qualifications of your own that could open many doors for you in the job world.
You can do this. Maybe speak to some family or friends before you make the decision. Also make plans before you speak to your husband maybe arrange to stay at a friends or family house.
Good luck do this for you and your son.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 March 2010):
But your son is not getting what he needs. Children are very perceptive and he will either already see you're hurting, or if he;s still a bit young, he'll be able to see it soon. My mother stayed with my father and at 6 years old I knew she should have left. Boys generally learn how to treat women from their fathers (I say generally, because I didn't turn out like my father, and I know others who didn't). So if your son sees you treated this way, he might assume that's how you treat women. Or he will end up being controlled by your husband. I think unless you can sort this out with counselling, you need to leave. Don't live in misery for the rest of your life, because your son will notice.
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 "So my son has what he needs?" Seriously, what is your son going to benefit from your marriage to this man, if you're unhappy and your husband is unhappy?
If your marriage is not a happy one, he's a control freak and you can't do certain things because your husband says you can't, what message is that sending to your son? That a husband can just control who he pleases? I can't imagine this is going to get much better, unless you happen to find a brilliant marriage counsellor that can help fix your marriage as good as new. But to me, you and your husband sound mismatched. He doesn't sound like he could be a good role model for your son.
My advice would be to leave him. Staying in a marriage is not necessarily the best thing for children. If it's an unhappy marriage, eventually the children will notice and learn from both of your behaviour towards each other.
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