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*ellachic385
writes: My boyfriend of about a yr and 1/2 just broke up with me. I am 20. He made me grow. He was my first love. I felt so comfortable with him and I trust him. He said that he fell out of love with me but still loves me and wants the best for me. He wants to be best friends. He knows me better than anyone. But I still feel like being friends with him will be hard because we always had a romantic relationship. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Cerberus says it best. Remaining friends after a break up sounds tempting because we imagine it allows us to gradually wean ourselves of someone we love instead of losing them completely in one fell swoop. For the most part I think that is a myth. The reality is that friendship so soon after a break is torment for the person who still has feelings for the other. And having those feelings leaves them vulnerable to entering into friends with benefits arrangements in hopes of one day resuming the relationship.
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reader, Trinklett  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 Since he's the one that broke up with you it's easy for him to ask for friendship. He let you go while or possibly when you weren't expecting it. It's never really a good idea to be friends with exes because then the pain just lingers on. Do yourself a favor and try to let go. See and talk to him less often if not you're going to find yourself hoping he has a change of heart which may not happen. He broke your heart if he really was and intended to be a 'best friend' that shouldn't have happened. Look for your other friends and family and stay focused and occupied. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Not yet OP, friends is only possible when your feelings are platonic. If you try to remain friends now you will just make the whole process of healing and moving on impossible. Not only that but you'll probably just end up getting cozy and intimate with each other in moments of weakness or while drunk and then you'll be back to square one.Friends with an ex is only possible once you've moved on fully OP and that can take a while. Otherwise you're just never going to feel good about any other guy because you'll still be hung up on your ex. You'll trap yourself in a cycle of loneliness, stuck in a friendship with a guy you're in love with but can't have, watching him date other girls and talk to you about them because you're his "best friend". You think the pain of not being able to hold him is bad now, then just wait a few months and see how much more painful it is to see him getting loved up with another girl. You won't have gotten over him, this pain will still be as acute and you seriously are just delaying the inevitable. There's only so much a person can take being in love with someone they can't have, it will break your friendship with him anyway. Because friendship with someone you love is not possible, that's why they call them crushes because they hurt too much.I have a friend that recently made the decision to cut an ex off. They dated for about 3 years, 2 years ago but decided to remain friends. In all that time it's just been heartbreak for her. No other guy that she dated in that time wanted anything to do with her once they found out the situation and she was just unable to feel anything for anyone else. Because they remained close, even slept with each other occasionally, he went off dating other girls and she was crushed each time. She spent 2 years hoping he would come back to her, put her life on hold just to remain his friend, because while she couldn't move on from him her life went nowhere. She had no prospect of love with anyone else and he definitely had no intentions of getting back with her. The only reason she decided to cut him off now is because she's a broken mess. She simply can't handle being that sad and lonely all the time having him in her life, feeding her desire just enough that she'll keep going back but no hope of a relationship.The worst thing about all this OP is that she now feels exactly the same as she did when they first broke up. She now has to deal with breaking up all over again. But at least this time she'll do it right (I hope) because for the last two years she's just been mopey and broken, one problem after another because she chose to ignore the biggest problem she had.Cut him out of your life for a while OP, if he really is good person and wants to be your friend not only will he not get be an asshole about it but he should understand. He throws a tantrum then you know friendship wouldn't have worked anyway. It really is the only way. Then by xmas maybe get back in contact with him if you feel ready. OP you have to protect you, don't let him try to emotionally blackmail you into remaining friends. You have to do this for you, you're no longer a couple so you no longer have any responsibility for his feelings you have to do whatever is necessary to get over him and get on with your life.Don't be like my friend, it's a torturous hell, one you shouldn't put yourself through.
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reader, Beautyandbiscuits  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 A friend once told me that a break up is like a broken bone. if it is a clean break it takes less time to heal but if it is a fracture that you keep poking at then it takes longer to heal and even at that it doesn't heal completly. If you stay friends with him you risk holding on to hope that he will suddenly realise he is still in love with you and he wants to be with you. You deserve better than to be messed around and kept on hold. Give yourself some time to heal and in a couple of weeks or months when you are completly sure that you don't have any romantic feelings for him any more then you can go back to being friends. Just have fun with your life in the mean time and this is a time you especially need your friends
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reader, mrg123 +, writes (1 July 2011):
 bellachicUltimately, the choice is yours but what I would say straight off-the-bat is give it time. You say you have only just broken up - if you try and rush into a friendship now I don't think it will work and it will make the whole process of getting over the relationship more complicated and probably more drawn out as well.This is especially true as the break-up isnt really clean in that he gave one of those very vague reasons and given how obviously interested you were in this relationship. I therefore think that the best thing to do is tell him that there is a good chance you would like that in the future (if, indeed, that is true, but don't make a promise you may not be able to keep) but that right now you need time and space to yourself to get over the break up. Spend some time away from him with no contact, heal, then revisit the question when (and if) you ever feel ready. Good luck :)x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): my mum has always told me, friends cannot be lovers and lovers cannot be friends.. basically for the reason that, friends ruin what they have with love and with lovers, hearts don't break even. if your not in love with him, friends will be a good idea but if your still in love with him, the more you see and talk to him your feelings aren't going to go away. if you know you are not going to get back together, its best to stop talking, at least until you don't feel anything for him any more.i hope my advice helps you xx
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reader, sammy1986 +, writes (1 July 2011):
it is possible to stay friends with exes it is hard though as he may or you may get a new partner i would tell him that it wouldnt be possible to stay friends with him as you will only end up getting hurt and that is not fair on you as you would probably always be hoping his feelings towards you change again i wouldnt put yourself through this hurt personally
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