A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello well i feel really confused and i need some advice. I have been married for 2 years. After a couple of months of marriage i found out my husband met up with another woman in an inappropriate way (he says he didn't sleep with her) after that i forgave him but i was still hurt so i decided to hook up with an ex sort of like a revenge. The problem is that i planned for it to be a one time thing but i keep feeling drawn to the other man everytime my husband did something to neglect me i.e. sexual conversations with other women. To my knowledge he never met up with the women. So i confront him tell him how i felt and i end up staying. I felt how could i be mad if i ran off with my ex. So i forgave him and decided i would never see this other man again if i wanted to make my marriage work. well recently when i was out of town i found out my husband made plans to sleep with another women. (i was looking in his phone) He admitted he planned to sleep with her but didn't because he loved me so much. (I haven't seen the other man since last year)I asked him if i was doing something wrong that would make him want to do this and he said no. He said "you do everything for me i just don't know why i planned to sleep with this woman".I forgave him because i feel guilty about what i did in the past. But if i had done nothing wrong in the past i would be gone.I told him i wanted a divorce and he begged me to stay and looked so depressed. I couldn't take seeing like that. I told him i would stay if i could gain back the trust i once had in him. But in my head im thinking if he knew what i did last year he might feel differently and i don't want to confess because i think it would really hurt him and I don't want him to be sad.Should i stay because i did wrong and i deserved it or do i leave and start a new life? and How many things do i put up from him to make up for what i did? Does this mean he can do whatever he wants because my guilt and love for him is making me stay?I feel so ashamed of what i did but i need help to figure out my life. Its a mess and its my fault
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depressed, divorce, my ex, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (12 October 2009):
 It is most certainly NOT your fault. Getting revenge the way that you did wasn't the best way to handle it, but it doesn't make it your fault.
If I were you, I'd just leave him and start over fresh. And please, don't be so vengeful in the future. Two wrongs don't make a right. It might make you feel good to wrong someone who has wronged you, but you tend to feel bad later on.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Well revenge cheating means that you are no better than your husband. Sadly it is always that way. You should have taken the high road the first time, but you didn't so now you must be the adult you claim to be and take responsibility for your actions. Whether or not your husband does is his affair entirely. You can only take responsibility for yourself.
See you are here looking for justification, which only a complete fool would give you. Cheating, whether it is a first time or a revenge is a CONSCIOUS decision. Hence, because you did it for revenge, you proved that:
1) you sunk to the level of your husband
2) you are both too immature to be in a marriage or any type of romantic relationship.
You can feel guilty or try to justify this all you want, but the fact remains you BOTH are cheaters. So please grow up, and think about how hurt you were when your hubby cheated on you...but think more about why it was such bad decision to revenge cheat, because in reality, your guilt over it has hurt you far more than your husband ever did. You have no one to blame but yourself for not divorcing him outright. Basically when you engage in keeping score, as you have in this marriage, it carries into your next relationship, and will make anyone very wary about getting involved with you in the future.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Why are you two married? He is looking at other women, you jump at another man at the first chance and you both seem unable or unwilling to stop. I do notice you say your husband never had sex with someone else, but you don't make that claim for yourself.
So, what kind of marriage is this?
Do you deserve this? Well if you want punishment, is a failed marriage not punishment enough? Why make both of you and the other people involved more miserable?
You both already had your warning. He had his when you found out about the first time and you knew how much it hurts to be cheated on when you did it yourself purposfully trying to hurt your husband.
That ain't marriage, it is a grudge match.
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A
female
reader, Melys  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Hi there,
You and your husband need some sort of marriage guidence counseling! it seems to me like you both really don't know what you want. If you want to stay together, then go and get help....
Hope you get things sorted...! good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Your relationship is completely dysfunctional. Both of you are guilty of infidelity. There is no single culprit here. I would suggest you give your marriage one last chance. Divorce is a big step and perhaps with some help from a marriage counselor you two will be able to reconnect. But you're both going to have to learn to take your marital vows more seriously than you have been up to this or it's all just a waste of time. Let it be clear, however, that I would NOT suggest staying in a marriage if you are genuinely unhappy or if your only reason for doing so is out of guilt. You should only remain together because you truly love and care about one another. If his serial adultery persists, then leaving him is absolutely the right thing to do. The time to make your minds up is now, before any children are born into what is at present a highly dysfunctional marital arrangement that will end badly if it continues in its present form.
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