A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend was out of town for a week for a work related class. Before he left I had flipped out on him about how I feel that his actions say he has little to no feelings or love for me anymore. Unfortunately, I chose a relationship with someone who at first said that he was ready for a serious relationship with me after the suicide of his wife, and now he's emotionally unavailable. He's told me that he sometimes feels that he's cheating on her when we have sex. He still refers to her as his wife even though she has been dead for a year. I told him before we started dating that I didn't want to be the rebound girl and that is what it is. Anyways, before he left for his trip we talked and both agreed that he need to decide what he wanted as far as our relationship goes. I told him how I feel and that I'm not ready to just give up and walk away from him. He's been back for only a day but upon his return he had gotten the flu and hasn't been feeling well at all. Yet, here I sit still waiting for his decision. I feel like my life is at a stand still because depending on what he say's depends on my next choice of action. If he decides to try to stay with the relationship and work things out as we go I need to find a job here. If he decides to either put the relationship on hold or break it off I will move back to AZ. My life is at a total stand still waiting on him and I feel bad for not working and want to get a job but if he doesn't want the relationship there is no way in hell I'm going to stay in IA. I don't like it here but I love him enough to move here and stay here if he wants me with him. I feel like just saying the hell with it all and walking away but I know I will regret it if I do. He's always telling me to do what's best for me, I do that all the time but I'm feeling stuck with the issues at hand. If you were me what would you do? Would you stay and wait for an answer? or Would you leave and hope that someday you could be together again? Remember though that money is a very big issue as far as moving. If I move away before he decides what he wants, I can't move back due to lack of money.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments. I've decided that the best course of action at this time is like the female anonymous suggested. I'm just going to let things be. I moved here for more then one reason. I want my family to be safer. Where we were living was making me uncomfortable with the crime rising and living in such a big city was just too much. We now live in a small city and even though I hate the cold I can deal with it for the sake of my family. I always put them first and our move did put us closer (about a 8 hour drive) to family in our home state. The way I see it is the adventures are getting ready to start. I'm not waiting on anyone or anything I'm out to make myself and my family happy.My heart say's stay so this is what I am going to do. Besides if he really didn't want me here he would have said so already. If I'm just here to keep him company I'm fine with that because I enjoy his company a lot myself. Life is what you make of it and sitting here doing nothing at all with my life is self-pity so I choose to move forward and I can do this and still enjoy his company. We never know what the future holds. Besides when I'm ready I can move back to AZ, it's not going anywhere and my heart say's now is not the time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): Why not continue at this standstill for awhile longer. Where is the harm in just sitting still for longer and not making any decisions one way or the other yet.
They say that when you're in am ambivalent situation, one way to deal with it is to simply do nothing and not take action in either direction. do this for as long as you can until the scales tip in favor of one direction.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2013):
 His wife is DEAD A YEAR? is that a typo?
ONE YEAR after a suicide and you moved... how long have you two been together?
he needs grief counseling. and probably some more life counseling as well. are there children?
How would you like him to refer to his deceased WIFE?
she's not his former wife. She committed suicide while married to him....
and here you sit, not happy, your life on hold WAITING FOR A MAN who is not over his DECEASED WIFE.
My dad is a widower. He moved on quickly (dating within 3 months) and at moth 4 met the woman he is still with. I hear him call her by my mother's nicknames and cringe for her...but she realizes that she does not have a divorced man on her hands, she has a man who had his wife lived would not be available. It's totally different when a spouse dies...
consider moving on and not waiting for him if you can.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 January 2013):
I don't see him being able to get over his wife just because you give him an ultimatum. It will take time and he should go to counseling.
If you stay it will most likely be more of the same. Also, when he does finally get over her to a manageable extent you run the risk of him associating bad feelings with you since for your entire relationship he's been grieving.
Personally I don't blame him for still being down. He tried to move on and fill a void without ever really getting over her. Probably not the best decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I'm not very happy right now but I was. Since things have gotten complicated he has shut down. I think it's because he is overwhelmed. I just don't know if I should wait a little longer to see what happens, could happen, or what could be or if I should leave and live with the regret. I should tell you that I'm not very good at dealing with regret. I get into a depression or I just shut down emotionally. I have a history of running away when things get difficult and because of my past I've got lots of regrets and I have moved on from those regrets but I've learned from them and I don't want to make another regret.
I have no idea how he feels about anything right now because he won't talk to me about it. His excuse is that he doesn't know how to put his feelings into words. I see that as just an excuse. I have troubles with this as well but I find that just rambling on paper helps me figure out what feelings I have, which ones are legit, why I'm feeling that way, and what I think the best course of action is. Only problem is that this time I'm stuck because I know what my feelings are for this man but he has shut down and blocked me out.
Just like the flick of a switch he was able to shut down his feelings, act as though he doesn't care for me like he did, and stop the physical affection.
I have since backed off putting pressure on him to figure out how he feels toward me but I have a feeling he's just waiting for me to burst so he won't have to do anything.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 This guy has too much going on in his head. If I were you I'd leave and find someone else that makes you happy. Evidently, this guy doesn't make you happy from what you say.
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