A
female
age
41-50,
*osing_myself
writes:I am in a really bad place in my life. My husband and I have been married for almost four years now. I have two girls from a previous marriage (it did not end well, he was very abusive) and one two year old boy from this marriage. In this four year time he has had three affairs. Two were one night stands and one was a three month long relationship. These hurt me...A LOT! I asked him to go to marriage counseling and we have been for a while. I keep thinking things are getting a little better but then he does something to break my trust again. I keep thinking maybe we can finally find real happiness like we used to know, but he is always tired, or angry or cranky. Just never seems to be in a good mood he tells me he loves me and how sorry he is for the affairs. How he will never do it again, but he just doesn't seem happy. I find myself crying, and wishing to be anywhere but here. I love my kids and love to spend time with them. But I hate coming home to his negativity and it just causes me to feel insecure, hurt and scared that he is out there having another affair. Our counselor can not give me any other advice except that he has a lot to work on and it will take time. But I am so unhappy anymore. I feel like I do not have any more energy to deal with his negativity, to feel unsafe in my marriage. To keep feeling all the hurt he has caused me. I want to leave, but then I do not. I do love him, or rather the man I believe he is under all of this other stuff. I do not want my girls to get hurt again. I do not want my son to get hurt. But I am hurting. My question is, should I stay and keep working on it, or should I leave?
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affair, insecure, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, floraltemptaions  +, writes (17 May 2007):
While kids can be very demanding on your time, please remember that women are wired differently then men in our instincts of how to deal with children. Women are very maternal, while men have to work a little harder at it. They don't want to sit and snuggle and hug the kids like we do. And everyone needs some downtime- maybe there are extra stresses at work that make him miserable & unable to cope? My idea, take a weekend away from the kids, just the two of you away from everything. See if you still enjoy each other's company, or if you are constantly thinking about the affairs? WHile he was wrong to cheat, maybe it is his way of having an "out", when he doesnt have to think of the stresses of house, kids that are demanding, wife thats upset etc..? You really need to talk to him explain how he hurt you, and that you want to be a happy family, if he will try also. Hope this helps! Best of luck!
A
female
reader, losing_myself +, writes (17 May 2007):
losing_myself is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I may be a little afraid of letting another marriage end. Like a failure who cannot keep her husband happy. He is not a bad father. He isnt as attentive to the kids as I think he could be. He is kind of selfish. He comes home and wants to "just sit" for awhile and tries to tell the kids to go do something so that he can "relax". I get home an hour after him, I spend time with the kids and then go about doing nightly responsibilities. He says he never has time to just relax, but I think he just wants us all to leave him alone. He said to me recently that it was not me that was the problem, that he loves me and I make him happy and he really wants to be with me, but that life with kids is "too stressful" That they are always there, and demanding from him. But I think as the parents it is our duty to love them and offer them attention, we are out of the house all day and when we get home they want Mommy and Daddy to give them me time for a while. Maybe I expect too much... Maybe he is not ready for this all. I really dont know, I just know that it hurts so much. I hear what you all are saying, but that thought is scary and hurts too.
How do I do it?
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A
female
reader, LenaTobery +, writes (17 May 2007):
 us women go through a lot because when we love we love with everthing that we have and in doing so it's very hard 4 us to let go even if it's bad.i understand that u don't want to hurt ur kids but also understand that u are because the hurt and pain that ur going through they feel.let him go all u truely need are ur children to be happy and whole.
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A
female
reader, Suzie767  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 i think you already know the answer to your question.this man has treated you very badly. one affair could be deemed a mistake but 3? this is disrestful to you and to your marriage.all i can tell you is that when i was a child my mum and dad had a very very unhappy marriage. my dad isnt a very nice man and me and my brothers and sisters were unhappy as a consequence. my mum finally managed to get rid of him when i was 6 years old and we were so much happier. our household changed completely after that day and we were actually a better familythis may not be the case for your children, especially if your husband is a good dad (which my dad isnt) but they will be able to tell that mum isnt happy and this can only have a detrimental affect on their own happiness
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A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 Your hubby thinks it's not a vanilla relationship."In this four year time he has had three affairs"."Two were one night stands" - he is spunking around.Kids are probably your only motivation for staying in this relationship as you admit it hurts you a lot.Marriage counseling did not help, because "I keep thinking..."Previous marriage: "it did not end well, he was very abusive"."should I stay and keep working on it, or should I leave?"Take a break - it should help you decide what to do next.
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