A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My problem is that, About 4 years ago I was with a great man who adored me. We were together for 2 years but I really wasn't ready for the relationship at the time and made the worst mistake and cheated on him near the end of the relationship (which is something i've never done b4) with a real dirt bag, who I ended up stuck with for 1 1/2 years. The entire time I was with the dirt bag I kept in contact with the good guy. I moved to another state about 10 months ago and still continue to talk to the good guy and we still care about each other and think we could try again. There hasn't been a day that has gone by where I havn't regreted what I did and asked for forgivness over and over. I have been completly done with the dirt bag and have NO intentions on ever seeing him again. My issue is, I met a new guy who is just as great as the good guy but I plan on going back home which is in the same state as the good guy. Me and the new good guy have been seeing each other for 2 months now. They both know whats going on because i don't want to lie to either of them. So do I go back and try things again with the good guy or move on with the NEW good guy? They are both equally sweet and caring fun, and I have a great time with both of them. The NEW good guy is ready to get married and have kids and the OLD good guy says he'll be ready in a year he just needs time to see if we can work after all that has happened. I agree that it will take time for him to regain his trust for me but there has to be a reson that after 4 years he's still in my life. But then why did this other guy come along? I really miss being home and like I said i plan to move back but should i stay and be with #2 or go home and be with #1 ???????? HELP ME
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 I think you should say no to them both and move home if you want to... Lib is right this is a self-centered issue. Its the same issue that got you in trouble to begin with when you had the first affair.You're going to have trouble re-building a relationship with good guy 1 and it doesn't sound like he's strong enough emotionally to set good boundaries. He's tolerating the current situation which is unfaithfulness, again. (Yes, I know they both know... but he's still letting you choose between him and someone else.) This means you are likely to cheat again...I understand you're remorseful, but you haven't fixed the real problem... which is you.Good guy 2, well he's the guy on hand. He may be a great guy but obviously he's not great enough for you or he'd be the only guy. Additionally you have already expressed a desire to move back to your home state. When the newness of this relationship wears off that desire will come back, plus you will be questioning whether you chose the right guy... and then you'll end up cheating again.I know you're sorry about cheating, and don't intend to do it again. You know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"? Well it exists for a reason... not because people can't change, but because people and especially cheaters are too scared of what they will find deep down inside themselves if they look... And, right now what you would find if you looked is someone who has a deep need to be loved and admired, because below that need is a dark, scary pit of loneliness and fear and a little voice that says "you're worthless, nobody could love me". So you seek to find people to cover up that hole or to prove that little voice wrong. That's where the self-centeredness comes in... you are using these guys to fill yourself up. Love is about giving, and putting someone else's needs above our own, it cares and feels another's pain and would do anything to protect them, love is not selfish.Well... that little voice IS wrong YOU ARE WORTHY and deserving of great love, but first you have to give love...to yourself. You can't give what you don't have to give. THAT means you're going to have to confront yourself (therapy might help), God will help (if you ask) and learn that you are worthy and deserving of love... then you will be able to love someone else and not just take.
A
female
reader, Lib1 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 You clearly have a problem with selfishness. If you think I'm being mean then no amount of advice is going to help you. I used to have a serious problem with selfishness and I grew out of most of it. You should start thinking about growing up a little more then maybe you'll be able to figure out the obvious problem to your issue. Once you stop being so self involved the right thing to do will pop into your mind.
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