A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a nearly year long relationship with a man I love. He is absolutely wonderful to me in so many ways, and we seem to click.I am a few years younger than him, just finishing my Master’s degree, and still deciding what I want to do with my life (PhD? Work internationally? Take a break and live in a log cabin for a few months?). He loves to travel, has lived in different countries, and knows for sure that he is not taking his schooling further, and that he doesn’t want birth children. I am on the fence about children, and am waiting to finish my school before I think about that seriously (in a few months).In the mean time he has had a vasectomy, and has not preserved any semen. As much as I think it is his choice to have a vasectomy, I also know that it is forcing me to make some decisions I am not ready to make. I think that I resent his expectation that I commit to a choice he made for himself at a time when we are still somewhat new as a couple, and when factors in my life make it difficult for me to decide something so serious (it is serious, even though it can be reversed if need be). Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you deal with not knowing? Should I just enjoy the relationship as it is now, finish my thesis, and see where things stand after December?Do I tell him I am not ready to commit to the choices he has made for himself and try to remain friends?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 First you have to figure out what you want. If you are genuinely undecided about having children, does it really matter if they are yours biologically or yours through adoption? I believe that adopting is a very selfless way to have children, in essence you are rescuing a child and the effort it takes to adopt makes it seem as if you are earning the right to have a child. Are you just undecided because you don't want to admit that you do want children in regard to your current relationship?Really think about it and if you have to, make a pros and cons list to help you. After you do make a decision, if your boyfriend's decision not to have children biologically is a dealbreaker, absolutely communicate solid goals up front in a new relationship. To be in a relationship without any goals (whether your goal is simply to have fun or to end up in a long term relationship raising children) is to be living in limbo and not going in a decided direction. It's very important for you to decide what you want and to actively try to pursue it in your relationship or life will decide for you and it may not be a decision you like. If you don't make a decision and stay in this relationship and do not end up having children it may end up as a big regret for you. I really hope this helps. It's not easy figuring out the path to take, but it's important to do so.-Angellica
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You are right in saying that it can be reversed. He might just be doing this not thinking he will never have children, but he wont have to worry about condoms, or birth control, or any unexpected pregnancies. Even if he says he never wants to have kids, if you two stay together and grow a long lasting relationship together, he might eventually change his mind and he can have it reversed. You are still young and just beginning a new part of your life. You need to live your life how you want it and enjoy every single day. If you do love him and want to be with him, then try to just spend some more time together and maybe travel a bit and see how your relationship grows. If you decide you never want children either, than you two can stay together. If you decide you do want children and he still isnt willing even if you two become even closer, then you might need to move on and be with someone who will give you everything in life that you want. He has put his own desries first for now and you need to do the same. Follow your heart and live your life to the fullest.
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