A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi dear Cupid, so I'll break this down in for form..Myself (24) partner (23) - together three yearsBefore I met him - I saved $13,000.Dating him - started going halves in things cause I thought it was a great idea.In three years - partner hasn't saved a single cent, not even $10...I believe regardless of having a loan/rent etc you should be able to save some money...In three years I have lent him money for cars which I have gotten back every cent...We moved into a rental last year together (I paid full bond) which he then paid me back his half of the rent) fast forward another year and we have moved into a different rental (we broke up for a while so his mum paid for the bond/two weeks rent) so we are back together, all good, I feel as soon as we are back together he asks me for money, so he wanted 5k to buy a ute and in front of his friends I made a fuss about giving him the money and he said "don't miss me off" so I felt pressured to give him the money/ he will pay it back once he sorts out what's he's doing with one car or the other) Partner also believes that the money we get back from the other house should go straight to his mum (my half of the bond included) is this fair? My dad says my partner should pay it all back to her himself, (baring in mind he has no savings)So apart from the cars side of things, my partner doesn't really wantm to get to know my friends (says he wants to but believes I should organise something) I believe it's not hard for him to say "let's go to the movies, and ask if (name) wants to come) he has met my friends before only briefly (all girls) but I can see a pattern...when it comes to my friends he doesn't talk to them. Not even about me and wanting to get to. Now me through them) but when it's his friends he'll talk to them no problem...he expects me to get along with his friends girlfriend, but how can I when he's never made an effort with my friends...Oh and on another note, I sleep in his old bed in the house most nights cause his snoring drives me insane, yet he's in my brand new bed, I believe he should sleep his old bed, not my new one..So my question here really is, should I stay and try and to make it work given he has some sort of plan to buy a house with me....or should I leave and find someone else?....
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broke up, money, moved in Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (20 September 2017):
It's very important that he gets a financial education now, because it seems like he doesn't know how to handle his finances and he is always borrowing money from you or his mom. Unless he has a sick person in his family, every guy should have at least some sort of savings.If you truly love him, then you should stay and help him sort things out. But it's important for him to learn how to save and invest wisely, because it seems like a deal breaker for you. You need to sit down, ad have a very long talk with him about this issue, about how you feel, and what he can do to improve that. You are young now, but if he doesn't gets his financial IQ straight it will hurt both of you bad on the long run. In my case, I have absolutely no savings, since my GF gets sick very often, and I've been always living emergencies time after time. The latest crisis: my GF's mother has stage 4 Cancer, and all my credit lines are now maxed out. I truly love my GF, so I'm ok with being bankrupt from time to time. My GF is a very frugal person, and she never spends money or things beyond her means, she prefers using money on her or her mother's health rather than on things that aren't that important.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2017):
 You might love him, but he does not love you. I will say again what I have said to you in the past. Move out and move on with your life. Don't allow him to bully you in to giving him any more money. Also no your half off the bond should go to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2017): You spend most of your relationship pushing and pulling. Giving him money and giving him whatever else he needs.
You sound like an ATM machine, or a cash register.
What do you see in this guy?!!
If you have to write a narrative about what he does that drives you crazy, why do you need advice?
Read your own post, and make a decision.
Personally, I'd ask him to pack his things; and go home to his mother. The guy's a dick.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (17 September 2017):
Re your answers of the 16th.Just ask yourself what is there to love about a guy her treats you in such a disgraceful way.What more do you need.....he has stated pay half the bond to his mum.......OR MOVE OUT.......Ask yourself this question are you going to ALLOW this guy to continue to use you as a ATM machine.Kind regards NORA B.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2017): I think it is disgraceful that you dont sleep in the bed you paid for.
And that alone tells you that it will be a cold kind of marriage!
For both of you unless you both agree to compromise.
You sound quite firmly welded into his family.
Would you feel destroyed if he and his family dropped you or could you build yourself up from scratch?
The money sounds muddled.
You've spent your $13,000 having fun with the boyfriend.
You aren't the outdoors type but you invested heavily in the outdoors lifestyle.
Money backwards and forwards isn't much when you add in living costs and entertainment costs.
I expect his mum would always feed you and put you up but its this high level of uncertainty that worries me.
The traveling to Australia was bound to be expensive and I expect you enjoy being in his motor going here and there but your savings are gone.
You traded fun for savings.
Its not a crime.
You haven't blown millions away.
Its only a modest amount of money.
Perhaps your guy is capable of building a house from scratch, putting in the pipes and drainage and building the property to a high standard.
Ask him if he's up to that because that could well be his plan.
And I hope you are not planning a life time of separate beds throughout the marriage because your guy will snore forever.
However plenty of wealthy people do have separate beds and separate lifestyles!
They just believe in a united front for the public perception of their marriage and behind closed doors they each go their own way.
You don't want to end up broke and lonely but you are already broke.
Do you feel so comfortable with his family that you could stay with them forever?
Wherever you go it will cost money.
Just keeping a roof over your head costs money.
It doesn't cost money to make a baby but the child will always be 'their littlun' so to speak because you live at his mums and she will offer free childcare.
If you think you are drawing yourself into the wrong family then you need to set up plans to leave.
But remember only you can live your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2017):
 It's a long time that you are in the same quandary, I remember a similar question(s) from before the one linked by Aunty BimBim.
What does it mean .." but I love him " ? Ok, you love him and he may be a very lovable guy ( even if surely it does not seem so from the way you describe him ), but- can you get along ? Are you compatible in the big issues ? Do you want the same things out of life ? Do you respect and understand, even if not share, each other's priorities ?
It would seem that the answer is a resounding " no ", unluckily, and, at this point, I have to wonder what is it that you call " love ". Maybe it's just infatuation, physical attraction, or fear of being alone... Saint Exupery said " Love is not staring into each other's eyes, love is looking together in the same direction... "
Anyway : 1) I don't understand why he wants all the bond to go to his mother. This does not make any sense, if the lady paid only for HIS half of the bond. He can , and should, pay her back- but what you do with your half it's your business, you have no obligation to gift his mother ( or him ) that money.
2 ) If he is paying back old loans, beside his normal living expenses, it's not surprising to me that he cannot save any money. I know people who have been paying back their students loans for ages, and they weren't wasters .
Said that, you can't expect him to become suddenly a judicious spender, because you have °taught him° the opposite, by giving him money for all his whims. It does not matter if in time he gave you back everything ( with no interests, I suppose... ) ; in fact, at least this is a good thing that you did not lose your money, but how can he be motivated to be prudent with money and start to save up, if he knows that, whatever he wants, "mommy-girlfriend" gets him , he just needs to whine long enough as the spoiled brat that you let him be. Start with closing the money tap, no more loans for no reasons whatsoever, and schedule regular, even small, monthly repayments for the 5000. Insist on that- and this will be also an interesting test to see if he loves you exactly the same even if you do not come with financial benefits. I am not saying he won't, and I am not saying that he is with you JUST for convenience- literally just saying that it will be an interesting experiment.
3 ) I would rather be bitten by a scorpion than buy a house with him, and not just because of his poor money handling habits and lack of financial direction in life, which are things one can correct and get over, but because you do not seem to want the same things and that eventually breaks couples up ,regardless of feelings. The last thing you need , when you break up, is to worry about how to divide joint properties ; one more complication; if you aren't even married, skip that.
4 ) I don't blame him because he is only 23 and at that age the last thing they want to talk about is marriage and children, but, alas, that may mean that you are at different stages in life, and he may catch up with you in 10-12 years... or maybe never, since probably he never gave much thought to the subject, regardless if your insustence, so probably he really does not know how he feels about it. So, if marriage and kids are very important to you- he sounds like a risky bet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2017): Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that this isn't what love should be.
It doesn't feel quite right to you and you are breaking it down and trying to look at it clearly.
Your intuition is keeping you on guard because you are becoming someone he puts up with because you are good for sex and money!
You understand this but you feel that you deserve someone who has more to put into the relationship than take from it.
It takes guts to break it off but you are not married yet and as you don't enjoy the same pursuits and feel your sentiments and feelings are largely overlooked then you should consider ending this relationship and investing in yourself while you are young enough to do so.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 September 2017):
 I'd take his offer up, move out and leave him.
Sounds like a complete waste of time.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 September 2017):
 Why do you keep coming back asking the same question over and over ....
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-stay-or-leave-our-relationship-i-think.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2017): Answer to your questions: yes we have discussed buying a house, and having kids and marriage, but he's not very "interested" in the topic of children...he always says "we don't always have to talk about it" and asks me to stop talking about it too...(I am is first long relationship) I have felt like an ATM machine for a while now, just after this last lending of money. I can tell you that his money goes on (rent, food, car parts and his loan) (a loan he had before he met me, he got a brand new car under finance and in the end couldn't make the repayments but is stuck paying off the car he no longer has) oh and tonight, not that I didn't care much, but he was invited to a party with me tonight (with my work colleagues and their friends and family) and he chose camping over a party with me and getting to know the other side of my life. I love the guy but seriously it's driving me crazy....he also said if my half of the bond doesn't go to his mum I can move out...
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (16 September 2017):
I think you have answered your own question.As you stated.Should i stay....Or Should go.Maybe you might consider ....going...and finding someone who appreciates you as a woman and not as a Loan Banker.In your mail there is no mention of ...love...future plans for your future by this guy.A relationships takes two people and if the other person is missing ,well you are really on your own. Make new friends and hopefully meet someone special.Kind Regards NORA B.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 September 2017):
This guy sounds like an absolute bum.
What is he doing with all of his money? Have you discussed plans to buy a house together? Or are you just hoping he will ask?
He doesn't sound very proactive, he sounds like hes happy just doing the same thing over and over and isn't interested at all in getting to know anything in your side of life.
You don't sound happy or else you wouldn't be here asking this question. I think you know deep down that you want to break up with this guy and to be quite honest with you I wouldn't blame you as he sounds very 'me, me, me'.
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