A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my "mother" is a terrible person. She makes me feel worthless everyday. I try talking to her and all she does is make me feel like I'm not worth anything. I am a college student and I am having difficulty adjusting with all the stress in my life. In high school I never had to study for my classes and I always got 80s and 90s in my report now in college I have to study for everyclass and in some I'm still not doing great. And everyday she does or says something that will make me feel like I'm not never going to amount to anything. My boyfriend is now demanding from me that I speak to her because I have no choice he says she is mother. I understand his point of view. Why can't he understand mine? That woman makes my life very difficult. I am at a point in my life where I am reuvaluating my self worth or gain some because I need to get pass this. My boyfriend says he will stop speaking to me if I don't talk to her again. It bothers me not to talk to her but I know is for the best. She makes the everyday too difficult and I can't move out yet until I graduate because I don't have a job. I hate that women. I don't want anything to do with her. But I don't want my boyfriend to stop talking to me over this. I don't want to lose him I love him very much. He is my scape from all this. This are very difficult for me right now. So should I speak to my mother again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, queenbee1987 +, writes (28 December 2009):
obviously you are a very smart grl, you got great grades in hs, so just wrk a little harder in school and it will pay off!i dnt think you should do it for your mom but for you. i had an evil aunt i was living with, she was my parent cause my mother died,she was very mean to me, so i left,got a job, got my own place.im wrking and im in college i understand how stressful college can be, im going trough it right now.
you dnt have to be her friend, but you can talk to her cause she is your mom after all.
your boyfriend shouldnt have treathen you and the relationship. hes wrong!
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Since you can't leave home, not talking to your mom doesn't seem like an option. You need to find other support systems so you don't have to be so dependent on your mother or your boyfriend for emotional support; although they love you, it sounds like they are incapable of giving you what you need right now.
If there is a counseling center at your university, make an appointment to speak to a counselor. Speaking to an impartial party will help you process your feelings about your relationship with your mother and the difficulties you are having in school, give you some perspective on your situation and help you come up with solutions. You don't mention friends, but if you have a few close ones you should share some of your feelings and frustrations with them. If not, it might help if you expand you social network a bit and get involved with some activities on campus.
Know that you are not worthless or a failure; college is completely different from high school. Having to study for class every day is not a bad thing, nor is it a sign that you cannot handle college-level work. All it means is that you are being challenged and receiving a good education. Once you get into a routine, it will become much easier for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): So far we have only heard your side of things.
I think you are dependent on your mother for a roof over your head, I think you are not doing as well in school as you could be. I think you are not focused enough and using your boyfriend as an escape and a distraction instead of buckling down and getting through your coursework.
This is NOT high school. College demands much more from you and you have the smarts but you aren't willing to do the extra work required of you. This is how colleges weed out the wannabes from the students who actually want to learn and make something of themselves. You have to put partying and socializing a bit on the back burner, you have to be disciplined and organized and get your reading and studying done on time, not try to skate through at the last minute or you are going to fail. You are graded on a curve, you are competing with kids who did better than you did in high school, you are going to have to resign yourself to the fact that you must learn how to study, you must learn how to learn, you must learn how to focus on your studies, period.
Your mom is ragging on you out of her fear that you are going to fail an be living under her roof until you are 30. She doesn't want this for you, she knows you are a smart kid and she sees that you are not studying hard enough and you are resisting her advice and counsel.
No one can make you feel worthless. Own your own feelings and work them out. If you want your mom to ease up on you, then open up to her and talk to her about the difficulties you are having with school and maybe she can get you some help. There are tutors available. Study with someone in your class that is smarter than you are, do something to turn things around for yourself and I am sure your Mom will instead sing your praises.
She loves you. It isn't her job to be your friend. It is her job to raise you to be an adult. Start acting like one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Life is too short to hold grudges :)
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A
male
reader, bojolay +, writes (28 December 2009):
 I concur with your boyfriend to the extent that you should stay in contact with your mother on a regular basis. Here's why. Throughout the course of your life your friends and other associates will come and go, but your mother will always be there for you and hopefully your other family members too. Even though she may not be using the best approach in discussing issues with you, she apparently still cares enough about you to provide you with a home. That alone is a sufficient basis, in my opinion, for you to treat her with a great deal of respect and honor. Furthermore, if she is paying for your college then I believe you should respect her wishes regarding your college work. Secondly, she bore you, she fed you, she raised you, and when you got hurt she was there to comfort you. She did your laundry, gave you money, and watched you grow up. She had parties for you, made you dinner, and took care of most of your needs for 18 years. And now after all that work, after years and years of putting up with your childish behavior you arent' satisfied with her because of some of her problems? I think that's wrong. You must forgive her immediately for her faults, her problems, and thank her for taking care of you as long as she has. SHe is just a human, and she is liable to weakness and problems. But she still loves you. Third, it's entirely possible that she is making demands upon you because she knows better than you. So, not only should you stay in touch with her - in a respectful and honored manner - but you should ask for her counsel, ask for her advice, and listen to it very carefully. Try not to be defensive. Think of her advice as a second opinion from somebody who knows you better than anyone else in the world, and somebody who loves you and has loved you longer than anyone - including your boyfriend. If you don't like her advice, then just keep your mouth shut. Take it under advisement and you are still free to make your own decisions.
good luck
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A
male
reader, nice boy +, writes (28 December 2009):
 try talking to her about other people or things that could amount to nothing. she has probably had a bad childhood and wants something of hers to take it out on.
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A
female
reader, ChantillyMarie  +, writes (28 December 2009):
You should try talking to your mother, and telling her how you feel, but to your boyfriend, if he loves you, why would he love over something so small?
But you really should try talking to her.
And if she doesn't listen then... Well, you can't say you didn't try.
And you never know it might make things better.
But My mom too makes my life hell sometimes, but I talk it over with her, and sometimes it makes things better.
But please do try.
It sounds like you're going through hell.
Hope I helped even that little bit.
~Chantelle.
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