A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im having a bit of a problem here. About two years, gonna be three Jan 5th, my ex was murdered by a drunk driver. Last year wasn't as bad but this year I keep seeing her everywhere and each time it happens I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I can't look my current girlfriend or even talk to her without practically dying inside. I havent talked to her in a couple days. I spent christmas by myself cuz every person I saw somehow reminded me of her. what do I do? Why is this happening three years later? how come it still hurts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): It is NOT your fault, you had nothing to do with it and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. If she hadn't been coming to see you she easily could have been driving to see someone else. These kinds of things are out of your control and there is nothing you can do to change it now. Don't let these people make you feel bad, you are still young and it is not fair for them to put that kind of guilt on you, they should be more mature and adult about this kind of thing, they KNOW you didn't have anything to do with it, they are just hurt and using you as their scape goat. With the anniversary of her passing coming soon, I am sorry and I know it will be hard on you. Try to think of the good things in her life and yours on that day and not to focus so much on her tragic death. Please find someone you can talk to, a relative of yours, a counselor, psychologist, someone. There is no time limit on healing from a loss like this and you will be sad and hurt for a long time but things will get better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I dated her for 5 years. I was seventeen when she died im 19 now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): im the writer. the family resented me because the night of, I texted her and talked her into coming over. I couldn't go to the funeral. I wouldn't be able to go even if they let me. I get told constantly i shouldn't blame myself. her mom calls me every year on jan 5th to remind me of it. I havnt cried once since that night. lately at night every time I close my eyes I see her face.
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (28 December 2009):
How old were you, when this happened, seeing that you're in your ealier teens?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Aww sweety I sympathize with your pain. My brother died in a car accident about 3 years ago as well. It is not something you will ever "get over" it's just something you will learn to adapt to and move on because you HAVE to move on. Life goes on and that is what our loved ones would want us to do. There is no set amount of time it takes to heal and to feel "normal" again. It doesn't happen right away and I'm guessing you were still in shock and just going through the motions of life for the past couple years and this year it has actually hit you that she is gone. You need to explain all this to your current girlfriend, if she is right for you then she will completely understand and will not be upset by it and might actually comfort you and help you to feel better. It's hard to be reminded of them, I understand that, but see those reminders as a sign from her that she's ok and that she's always going to be with you. Take them and remember the good times and not the bad. I agree with the suggestion of writing a letter to her. I did that with my brother for quite a while and I still sometimes write him. I am also going to suggest looking for a grief group in your area, they are all over the place and depending on the people there it might really help you to be around people who understand the pain of losing someone. If that's not something you'd be interested in maybe seek out a counselor or church maybe if you're religious. It would help you to talk to someone about all this and how you're feeling. Just remember this is all normal and part of the process of healing. She would want you to be happy and go on with life. Don't isolate yourself from life and from those who care about you let them know how you are feeling and that you're in pain, they are there for you to lean on when you're hurting.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Here is an article about coping with a death due to violence.
The link is: www.beliefnet.com/love-family/2000/05/surviving-A-violent-Death.aspx
Hope it will be helpful.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 December 2009):
I am so sorry to hear of the tragic death of your girlfriend. Its sad enough when someone we are close to dies, but for you her death due to the criminal negligence of a drunk driver hit that much harder.
I guess you were in close contact with her family and friends at the time? They would have needed your support and to reach out to you as well. How about your own family? Are you close to them? Possibly they might think you should be over it by now, but grief doesn't keep to a timetable.....one idea might be to write a letter to her to pour out your grief and tell her how much you miss her, and your anger at what happened, the unfairness of it all. Journaling can be a step to healing, even though you can't send it. Alternatively, if you are so inclined you could throw it all on the computer and address it to God.
Beyond that, can you talk to your friends? Maybe get some counseling? I will check to see if any grief groups are on the internet that deal with what you are going through, and will post again shortly with what turns up.
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