A
male
age
41-50,
*xrevolutionxx
writes:Hey all, I just wanted to get some opinions... i have been with my current girlfriend now for 7 months, I know its not long but it was amazing in the beginning and i felt like i loved her more than anyone before. She had to move back to her country because of births in the family and she planned to do this even before she met me, but we decided that she was going to come back and live with me because it was so amazing. We decided i would quit work for a while and go and visit her and i did this and went out there for 9 weeks. However when i was there she suffered a bout of depression and was hard to live with, she didn’t show much love and compassion and was disinterested in sex with the antidepressants she was on and generally low sex drive with depression. We had sex about 6 times over 9 weeks but she was only doing it to make me feel happy those times. We had a few arguments and I lost my temper a few times with a few silly things because it was all getting on top of me that i travelled so far to see her, gave up my job, spent thousands on the trip etc.. I have since been back in my country for 5 weeks now and we chat on messenger everyday and do Skype every few days, she says she loves me, and i really want to love her but I am worried about if she actually does move back in a few months it will be like the time i spent with her in her country and I don’t want that, I want us both to be like it was in the beginning. Also some extra information she takes recreational drugs smokes a lot of weed and she does mdma/pills fairly regularly and coke sometimes, i myself wasn’t doing many drugs recently until i met her, I have dabbled a fair amount in the past and enjoyed consuming (Im 32 now, she is 26), i smoked a lot of weed at one point and took stimulants like speed and ecstasy now and again, but after meeting her I started doing a fair amount more which has continued since coming back with some of my friends and on my own. I think the depression on her side could be to do with not being able to afford say cocaine in her country which she would do twice a week with me. She is a good person in many ways but she has some problems in herself which I think stem from childhood which I don’t know the full extent of, I feel sometimes she can be a little self centred and lack empathy towards me and I am quite a sensitive person being a piscean.She has been a bit quiet the last few days and hasn’t spoke much on messenger but she has been doing some drugs and spending time with several of her friends. We had a Skype and i told her i loved her like we normally do and that was as she was leaving the conversation she didn’t say it. I said it again on messenger after we said goodnight and she didn’t say it back. So i asked her if she still loved me and she got really angry and defensive, saying that is was rude of me to say and I’ve put her in a bad mood and she tells me all the time she does etc etcAlso whilst in her country she became pregnant and we decided the best option definitely at this stage was for her to have it which she agreed with.Anyway was just looking for an outsiders point of view on it all, why was our conversation tonight so confrontational when i just wanted some reassurance and meant nothing bad by it? do you think given the history that it is worth continuing it? Does it seem like a lost cause and cut my losses?I feel in a way that I love her, but I also feel like maybe I have fallen out of love a little with her because of all that went on in her country, i would love for that love to return like it was but realistically i do not know whether it ever will, should i just cut my losses and severe all ties? Thanks in advance for any advice.
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drugs, sex drive, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): You can't compare alcogol to chemical drugs.while alcogol can be a horrible addiction it is something people used from when the life on Earth started and almost every adult drinks and most people are not alcoholics., in moderation wine is even recommended for health reasons. What drug is recommended for health reasons?? Only pot, but I don't even call it drug as its proven its not addictive.
With drugs is totally different. Very small percentage stays in so called "recreational" stage. Most do get addicted.
It's chemicals that alter your brain.
My advise would be to leave her alone.,she is a lost girl that n a way to a terrible consequences.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2015):
 I agree that drinking is as damaging (if not more) to your body mind than SOME drugs are, but some drugs also lead to harder drugs as I'm sure you know.
You say you have done drugs since you were 17, so isn't it maybe time to put it away? I mean WHY do you think you NEED it?
I know I had some years where I drank (a lot) on week-ends it came to a point where a friend and I went drinking and I blacked out. I apparently left the club and walked home (winter) no jacket no saying to bye to friends, I just walked home. NOT at all safe. After that I quit. That was my moment to realize OK that is not something I want to do any more. I had friend who were "recreational" pot users and at some point they all "outgrew it".
I know you don't want answer that are biased and focus on the drugs, but... I DO think drugs/alcohol makes PEOPLE MAKE really bad choices, more so then off the drugs/alcohol. It's easier to find excuses as to WHY we keep doing them, then WHY we don't stop.
She is considering being a drug mule. That is without DOUBT a really bad choice. And guess what YOU can go down the crapper WITH HER. This is not good at all.
NO ONE who has EVER "smuggled" drugs have EVER been in control. You know what, she may know it but is NOT making the right choices right now, NONE at all.
YOU are in your 30's. SO a GROWN ASS man. And you still can't see this is a absolutely MESSED UP girl you are dealing with? Are you even SURE she was pregnant? Someone going straight from having an supposedly abortion to wanting to smuggle pills for a big payday DOESN'T scream UNSTABLE to you?
You ARE allowed to think. And you ARE allowed to put yourself first.
I don't even know why you don't tell her, I DRAW a line at smuggling drugs, I can't be part of this in any way shape or form and I can't be WITH someone who thinks that is OK. Because it WILL bring "shit to my doorstep".
Instead you focus on people not being "cool" with a GROWN man and his "recreational drug use". LOOK at yourself. ARE you not making a PISS POOR choice by keeping this chick in your life? For what? Because you feel BAD for her? HOW is that helping her? OR yourself?
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (18 January 2015):
Surely you can see that you are not thinking in the same way as her. You say you have a good job now, yet she doesnt sound like she is thinking of her future at all. She is planning on selling drugs to make money, do you really think this person is a good choice for you? The 2 other people who have replied since I first did, have outlined exactly why this is not a good idea.
I know it must be hard for you since you obviously love her and you made plans for your future together. However if two people are influencing each other negatively (the drug use being a good example) then they need to decide if this is going to work. As it is you have said that you have done more drugs in the past 6 months than ever before. I think you should think about the long term here, you will ruin your life with drugs if you dont stop using. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (18 January 2015):
 If you genuinely can't see this girl has no control and is only going to be toxic in your life, you need to see a counsellor.Do you know why most rehabs have rules that say you can't date another person from it? Because two drug users are dangerous together, even if one isn't a frequent user and they both start coming off of them, if one has a relapse, the other one usually does too.Also, responses about drug use to your post are very legitimate and you'd be silly to ignore it.Alcohol and drugs are two different worlds but, as you know, both can be addictive, yet, drinking a little won't have any drug-like affects or dangers attached (like if someone spiked your drugs, you wouldn't know), but drugs are FOR hallucinations/paralysed-like-calm, etc.You can do what you want, but PLEASE don't do drugs once you are thinking of becoming a parent and please choose a partner who also doesn't do drugs.
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A
male
reader, xxrevolutionxx +, writes (18 January 2015):
xxrevolutionxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all your comments. I don't really want the drug use to distract anyone from making legitimate comments, I know it can start taking over your life and influencing things but for me it is definitely an unwind and i guess like some people will go to the pub or drink most nights or a few times a week, I may prefer to do something else rather than drinking which I am not sure which is more detrimental thank alcohol for example. I know drug use can divide people and if you do indeed drink alcohol but have never touched drugs I don't think there is a legitimate argument on the subject as it can become pretty hypocritical. I would never ever use a needle ever btw.Myself I am a sensible guy with a good job and strong family ties, so I dont feel as though i can or will spiral out of control, remember I have done drugs occassionally since i was 17, sometimes going 6 months without anything although I have certainly done more the past 6 months than ever before. I certainly think she has much more of a problem than myself and I feel like I really want to help her, we have talked about getting fit when she moves back and going to the gym daily etc, so I think that is something we definitely both want to work towards, it's just trying to have a completely clear mind to work out whether she is what I really want.Another bombshell that was dropped on me yesterday actually which my initial reaction wasnt good, her and a friend she was talking about she can get xx amount of ecstasy pills and then she can make 3600 dollars just supplying to friends but they would do it very carefully, my thoughts were that, it is really not worth it, you could get locked up for 10 years etc for doing that and it is jeopardising potentially our future by putting herself in that position for a quick buck. She assured me it was under her control and she knows what she is doing, I am just worried now with that quantity of drugs around her that she will have the temptation to start doing more regularly because they are there. I don't know what to do my head is pretty jumbled and fried because of all the events and it is very hard to maintain clarity and think straight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): She is a junky, it's obvious. And you are becoming one.
IT IS NOT OK to do drugs, even recreationally!!
This is how you become an addict. You sound like its very normal and casual things to do, cocain and all, and you sound like its not a big deal and it's kind of normal. Well, it's not normal. MOST people don't do it.,
You guys are encouraging each other to do drugs, and harsh drugs, next thing you will be shooting and it goes pretty much downhill from there.
I don't care what a great person she is, she is using , you too, and there is not much to talk about. Your both brains are clouded to make any making sense desision. Get out of this relationship and get yourself some help, and STOP USING!!!!
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (16 January 2015):
When did she have the abortion? It must have been very recently. Midnight Shadow and Honeypie are right, this relationship and the drug use is not healthy. Outside of this relationship, do you have family or (drug free) friends? I say drug free as this "recreational" use can spiral out of control without you noticing it. Doing mdma and amphetamines a few times a week or even once a week is going to affect your life whether you notice it or not, how will you keep a job if you are using drugs so often? Im hoping you see that there is more to life and having fun than destroying yourself with these things.Lastly I would suggest you find an interest or hobby that would give you something to focus on, be it the gym, a class or just getting out and about more and meeting people. Please update us if you can, take care x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2015):
I think you NEED to tell her how you feel. (or the LACK of feeling you have for her).
WHY pretend?
And doing "a little drugs" during the week can turn into more, and you know it. Does it affect your work? Your relationships with family and friends? Maybe you need to consider that ENDING it with her really IS for the better, as you are enabling each other in "bad" ways.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (16 January 2015):
It's not a catch 22, it's a toxic relationships. Drugs are not healthy for you. Marijuana is the only one that is okay in recreational, but responsible use. You will hurt each other if you stay together because you're encouraging each other to continue dangerous behaviours.
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A
male
reader, xxrevolutionxx +, writes (16 January 2015):
xxrevolutionxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying I really appreciate it. I can confirm after us talking that she had an abortion and she is currently still using drugs as am I nothing too severe, recreationally some weed and a little mdma and amphetamine a few times a week.
The plan is that she is coming back to the UK at the beginning of April when the 6 month lease on her apartment runs out she is committed til then and also she needs to work and save money for air fare and deposit for a place here, we have planned to move in together but it's such a hard position to be in, when I really want to love her, I definitely do in many ways but with her coming back over I feel and committed and responsible for her and moving in together it ties me up with her for probably a year with rent. I guess you have to take these gambles but In my heart I dont think she is right for me, the drug influence, the lack of empathy but I feel like my life is so much more fulfilled and fun when I am with her and I feel I have a direction and future. It is kind of a catch 22 for me I guess.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (16 January 2015):
Thanks for clarifying things. It sounds like the best thing she can do is get an abortion and also visit a doctor about her mental health, the drugs are affecting the depression and the depression is probably encouraging her to turn to drugs. It is a vicious circle that needs to be broken asap for her own sake if nothing else.
I would wait until she has had the abortion and seen a doctor about the depression before breaking up with her. You dont want her keeping the baby in the hope of you two staying together, the drugs could easily have affected the foetus already.
Is she planning on returning to the uk anytime soon? Or has she set a time for doing so? Just wondering as this will also give you an idea of how serious she is about you and how upset she may be if/when you end things.
Lastly, look after your own health. Drugs are not going to help you with problems or stress
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A
male
reader, xxrevolutionxx +, writes (16 January 2015):
xxrevolutionxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thanks for your responses. Sorry I think by my original post you got the gist of it a bit wrong, it was my wording I apologise. She had an abortion before I left her country actually and we haven't spoken much about it since, it wouldn't have been fair on the child of course as no one knows what the future brings especially seeing as it was a fairly new relationship. She is a good person and means well she is just a little complicated, but I guess we all have our own complications. It was distressing the day we went to the clinic to get the abortion because we had previously agreed to it together and then when we were travelling to the clinic to get it done, I was having second thoughts on if it is the right thing to do as I have always been fairly anti-abortion even thought I knew it was the just and fair thing to do for all of us, we nearly broke up that day because of how she reacted when I said i was having second thoughts, she was crying and going wild and getting a little aggressive that we had planned to do it and then i was changing my mind, we never got it done that day but she went with her girlfriend the day i left to get it done and that was the end of that. She was doing some drugs and drinking whilst pregnant but that was in the mindset after we had talked that she had decided not to keep it.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (16 January 2015):
 So she IS having an abortion? For sure? It's too late to change mind because of the drugs. I don't like that you didn't do drugs until you met her. If she's not having your baby, I would be inclined to advise you to break ties. A person should encourage growth and improvement. Her activities and habits are juvenile at best and she sounds very unstable
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2015):
I have to ask WHY the heck did you not be more careful with birth control? As in condoms? It's only been (less) then 7 months and you are NOT thinking about the consequences for EITHER of you with this pregnancy and now abortion.
If she was depressed when you visited, HOW do you think an abortion will affect her?
YOU are 32! You should KNOW better.
Knocking up a girl, no matter her nationality is NOT smart, but that CERTAINLY doesn't mean you now HAVE to stay with her for the rest of your life.
And agreeing to her carrying a baby to tern while she does drugs?!
I don't even know where to start with that.
You have fallen out of LUST, not love.
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A
male
reader, xxrevolutionxx +, writes (16 January 2015):
xxrevolutionxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies sorry, i miscommunicated part of that we both agreed that she have an abortion whilst i was there with her because it was totally wrong timing wise and yes she was still doing drugs whilst pregnant which I wasnt particularly impressed with, although she would justify it by saying oh we arent having it anyway so there kid of a rationalisation for that. She parties with childhood friends who she was known her life and I really never worry about her cheating, she is pretty against that and I dont think theres any chance of that happening. I know it's easy to be more opinionated when theres drugs and abortion at hand as both these things trigger strong views on people but looking past that really its good to get an outsiders perspective on the whole situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): Maybe she had an affair and is stitching you up saying the baby is yours, hence the distance she's creating between you two.
Oh and if she is pregnant why the hell is she taking drugs?! The pair of you ought to love your baby better than this. You don't seem concerned about this at all! Since you're about to be a father you should also start being more responsible with your life choices. You're jobless and taking drugs!
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (16 January 2015):
This is a mess. Your girlfriend can do all the drugs she wants, but she's carrying a poor, defenceless baby who is also being affected by the substances she consumes and you think it's best that she KEEPS IT?! I'm sorry, but I don't follow your logic.
Personally, I think she should have an abortion to save the baby from any damage her substance abuse will probably cause it, or give the baby up for adoption to be loved, respected and treated properly.
Is the child yours or not?
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (16 January 2015):
Like the 2 previous posters, I think this pregnancy issue is the main one right now. Is it yours? From the way you say it, it is unclear whether you got her pregnant or someone else, if you can clarify this so that we can give better advice. Why is she doing drugs when she is pregnant, regardless of who the father is?
Her depression is surely caused/made worse by all these drugs. You have a past of drugs, you should steer clear of anyone who may lead you back to that again. This sounds like a complicated situation
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (16 January 2015):
Did I just read that your pregnant girl friend has been doing drugs the last few days? ...................?
Also, she's having your baby right? The baby is a tie. Do you want to sever that? ...
Only her moving back and you attempting the relationship can tell you if it will work.
……?
~Sy
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