A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently just left a 10 year relationship to a man I was engaged to. We've had our ups and downs and I think I should have left earlier, I was just too comfortable and scared to do so. We now have this new house that we've both committed to and to throw it all away would be devastating. I'm at a crossroads right now, as a few years ago, I was ready to start a family with him. He has told me time and time again that he hated kids and didn't want any. I know I should have left then, but I was too selfish to do so with all of the stability and comfort he provided for me. Now that I've left, he has told me that he realized that he has some major issues that he has never dealt with and that I am the only one for him and he wants to have children with me. He is now open to going to see a counsillor, but I'm not sure if I want that life anymore. I do want kids, but I feel like the past 10 years have been a waste and I haven't been experiencing life. I'm 27 now, and I know I need to have children soon if I want them, but I still have the desire to travel and experience life without any obligations.The only reasons why I would want to stay with him is because he is a great provider and I know he would treat me right. But I feel nothing when I kiss him, and sex has become somewhat a chore for me. Is that just what happens in relationships that go on for that long? He also is socially inept. I am an outgoing, friendly person who loves to laugh and interact with people. He, on the other hand, is very shy, quiet and insecure. He has also told me that he wants to change this, but I'm afraid it's too late.Am I being selfish for wanting to leave to see what else is out there and throw away the past 10 years and everything we've worked so hard for? Or should I just settle with him because I know he would be a good provider for myself and my future children?
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female
reader, scythe  +, writes (28 March 2012):
 Thank you for the update. I'm in a similar situation, I've often had doubts about my relationship but too comfortable to leave.
I'm really happy that you had the courage to do this, and it turned out better than expected. Do you struggle with the "what ifs?"
Hope you are still enjoying life
x
A
male
reader, Moonknight  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 I'm very happy to know you found some happiness and comfort after all that, even better, you made us aware of that.
Strange how fast a year has gone by, it feels like only a few weeks as i remember your question and my reply very well.
You are a very strong person and i admire that, well done, you did something most could never do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anyone that may stumble upon this and wondered what the outcome was...
A year later I'm happier then ever. I've made so many new friends, dated and have learned to do things on my own, for myself. I'm living life, and if I died tomorrow, I'd be satisfied with the all of the life I've lived this past year.
We're still sorting out the house situation and I still feel guilty about leaving him with the financial burden, but he seems to be handling it ok. He even has a new girlfriend himself.
So if you're in the same situation as I was, I say follow your heart and your gut. I felt it in my heart and gut for the longest time that he wasn't for me, but my stubborness got in the way. Take a chance on life, you only have this one to live. No risk, no reward....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses! I am too young to go on to a life of unhappiness and boredom. Although i haven't made an official decision yet, and although it will be very hard on him, I am leaning towards leaving him for good. I will keep you all updated!!
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A
male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (6 September 2010):
A friend once told me the story of alice in wonderland, so i'm going to tell you the same thing, why? because it helps alot when you truely understand what this specific part of the story means.
Alice stands at a crossroads and asks the cat which path she should take. He asks “Where are you going?” She says she doesn’t know. “Well then, it doesn’t really matter which path you take.”
You may or may not find that helpful and when facing such a hard life changing moment this story may seem stupid, but is it?
I would firstly suggest you take up the offer and try to seek help as he is also willing to do the same. I assume you feel that you've been fighting for your relationship to survive for a very long time.
I don't know what your relationship is like communication wise, however i get the feeling since you say sex has become a chore for you that you aren't enjoyiing it and possibly he is aware of it but don't know why? may be bcause he doesn't know where to take things in the bedroom.
A relationship with a bad sex life will ultimately tear you apart inside, and you shouldn't settle for such a relationship because he is a good provider. If you've wanted children for 10 years and this man has not, this is not the time to start having them now, people will do what it take to not "lose" at bad times, and in desperation make bad choices.
Imagine you do stick it out.. and have have a child, a child that brings back security to the relationship, suddenly his true dislike for children comes back?
Imagine once more, you do fight for this relationship, then he gives up and say no more, you will feel let down and hurt for trying, extreme heart break because you tried! on the other hand if you don't try you will never know, this brings back the word communication.
I am not trying to scare you off your relationship here, though you should know i understand where you are coming from, you feel you are running out of time for children... and to start all over again, at a time where you should be finally settling down into a life with this man, is terrifying right?
The same friend also told me, "there will always be newer and better chances"
If you feel nothing and you've truely tried till your heart bleeds, then look else where.
1. Not making a choice will result in you losing hard!
2. The fear of moving on or starting over again is crippling
3. the clock is ticking
So alice... “Where are you going?”
I hope you find light within these random words
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): Follow the instincts that may you move out! Your far too young to be stuck in a sad situation such as this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 You don't feel anything when you kiss him ,and sex with him has become a chore . And ,at 27, you are looking forward to years and years and years yet of ..chores in exchange for a comfortable lifestyle.
Honet,let me be brutal : how much money are we really talking about here ? Is he a tycoon, a big CEO ? Are we talking about really living it up, the Beverly Hills mansion or the NY penthouse, ? scores of servants, the best private schools for your kids, the whole nine yards ?
Then I'd say go for it, it may not be moral but some trains do not pass twice, I don't think anybody could really blame you for not resisting the temptation, and , worst case scenario, if you feel
you can't make it and need to jump ship, you can always live decently off your alimony.
But, if we are talking about something less impressive, like a normal, decent middle class income... oh darling,
you really would be selling out for a dish of lentils. Think- you would be giving away your self respect, your dreams, your youth ,your body, your future, ..everything
"because he would be a good provider ".
You probably don't value yourself a lot, if you think that's a fair deal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): Don't think about, throwing away the last ten years, think about he next twenty years. You don't feel anything when you kiss him, for your sake and his let this go now, before you get children into the mix.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 If I understand the essence of the question. It sounds like you want someone to tell you it's advisable to "settle with" someone less than you think you might either deserve or want for a lifelong mate. If you turn that questiond a little you might be asking folks to think someone should try to be satisfied with a person for life just because she's too weak or lazy to keep looking for "Mr. right". I bet you don't find very many folks ready to say, "Oh sure,take a chance maybe he'll grow on you later."
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