A
female
age
41-50,
*aviebelle
writes:I've asked a question related to this but I want to ask once more just cos I don't know how I feel and am sure you can help. I am 40 year old Asian woman. I live alone as I was in a marriage with an alcoholic spouse for many years and now am planning on getting a divorce. I moved out a few years ago but I still talk to him to help him but I've set boundaries so that I heal. My mum is 66 and goes back home to look after my grandma who has had a stroke and can't speak coherently. There is no one in my country who can help my mum. Me and my brother live in developed, western countries. I have lived in my current country for 10 years and have a job and a home.I feel guilty.. My mum is alone and looks after my nan. She feels an obligation and this is expected of her. I haven't had a successful relationship since I was 25. I am trying to live my life but feel guilty that I don't help my mum. I know I can see my home and go live with my mum but I will have no life and this is not a choice I want to make. My mum had helped me a lot. Am I being a bad person? Am I being selfish cos I want to live here though I am alone? I want to try and find a life. Sometimes I feel bad saying that to my mum. Is my desire for a partner wrong? Should I sacrifice my life and be with my mum who looked after me? Thank you for giving me your opinions and advice. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 September 2015):
There’s nothing selfish about your choice. Your mum probably needs support, a shoulder to cry on and, if at all possible, help getting care for your nan so that she can have a break and so that there is care in place should your mum ever be unable to look after her for any reason. All of those things, you can do. You don’t have to sell up and relocate your life. It doesn’t seem from what you write, that your mum expects that of you either. I think you should discuss with your mum what you can do for her in your circumstances, but be clear that you can’t just move away. You have your own life to live too and the fact that this is concerning you shows you how unselfish you actually are. Be a help and a support, but don’t sacrifice your own life.
I wish you all the very best.
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