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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Does anyone have any stories involving reunions with long lost friends/interest that end well?When I was 20, I met a man while interning in a city over the summer. He was 40 at the time and we hung out just talking and walking around the city. I enjoyed his company and spending time with him. He eventually told me he was interested in me and I told him I didn't think of him the same way. I didn't and I think I judged him for only taking an interest in younger women and for being somewhat judgemental about women in general. The other thing is, during that summer, I was also "exploring my sexuality" and being generally stupid. I slept around (protected) with a number of men that meant nothing to me. I never really told this guy all about it, but enough to make him judge me. He would also make off-hand comments about girls who did sort of things I did. I know he had a point, but I didn't think he was in any place to criticize me with the way he managed his relationships. I called him on his bullsh*t too.Eventually I did become ashamed of what I had done that summer with various men. I'm still ashamed of it. I broke off my friendship with this guy, partly because he was pestering me with emails and partly because I wanted to pretend that summer never happened.This morning, a decade later, he now wants to be friends on facebook. This wouldn't be such a big issue to me to be facebook friends, but I will be moving to his city in 2 months and he will find out via facebook. I guess I am scared of meeting him and perhaps being asked to restart a relationship from a time in my life I would rather forget. Advice?I could easily ignore the request and carry on.I don't want to date him, but I wouldn't mind having a friend in a new city.He wrote me this message:So, many years have passed since we met. I want to apologize for when you knew me. I did not know how to communicate and lacked emotional intelligence; in general I trusted no one and kept those who could tolerate me at a distance by being abrasive, rude and unthoughtful. I finally met a woman I fell in love with but it didn't last because I acted the same way with her as I did with everyone else. So finally I made massive changes; it is an ongoing process and if you care I can explain it to you. But the bottom line is I think very highly of you and would like you as a friend.He sounds like a good guy, I know at heart he is, I just am not sure if I should be wary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. @ flordiacatgirl: Good advice, some of which I took and will take.@ chigirl: Yes, it is the first time I've ever gotten a "forgivness" letter. I may be naive at the age of 30, but I have reason to believe he's sincere. I should probably clarify that I also have a very immature tendency; I freeze guys out rather than articulate my emotions. I also changed my email account and phone number months after meeting him (not because of him)That's pretty much how I ended my communication with him about a decade ago. I could understand why he felt I held some monumental grudge against him for the past decade.I replied, said hello, and gave my own apologies. He responded that if I needed a friend, he'd be around. I suspect he's in counseling. It sounds cheesy I guess...but I think he's sincere. This is what is called "facing your demons" I guess? Not so easy.
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 I would give him a chance to show that he has changed. You could do one of a couple things... The first option is to go ahead and add him as a friend on Facebook. If you don't want him to know you are moving to his city in 2 months, you can set your privacy settings on Facebook, so that it does not show where you currently reside. In addition, you may want to hide your email address and phone number, if those are on your page as well.
Another option would be to refrain from adding him to your page, but correspond with him via FB messages. After you've exchanged messages for a while, you can decide whether or not you want to continue your friendship and add him on Facebook. If you have any concerns about him, this option would probably be the best route to take.
You stated, "He sounds like a good guy, I know at heart he is, I just am not sure if I should be wary." What are you concerns regarding this man? Are you worried that he is still "somewhat judgemental about women in general." Or that he is only interested in women much younger then himself? A lot can change in 10 years, so it's best to keep an open mind.
Are you still only interested in him as a platonic friend? If this is the case, let him know upfront that you would like to keep your relationship strictly platonic. Define the boundaries in your first message to him. Let him know that you have changed much since that summer 10 years ago, and you are not that same person anymore. Personally, I think he was judgmental about your sexual encounters with other men for two reasons. He was interested in you, so it's likely he was jealous about your liasons with others. In addition, I imagine he was a bit concerned for your safety.
Please let us know what you decide to do... and how things turn out! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 That sounds cheesy to me. I don't know this guy well, and of course you are the better judge of his character. But something about this sounds off to me. Especially the line where he says if you'd like he can explain this better to you. And whats this about an on-going process? If he was 40 when you met shouldn't he have the life experience to already know these things that you knew at 20?
To be honest it sounds like the typical "forgive me" letter: I've changed, I wont do that crap again, give me a chance to prove it to you by taking a risk of going through crap with me again..."
Have you seen those letters before? I have here on dearcupid, its the same old same old they all say. Instead of actually SHOWING matureness and SHOWING how they've changed, they try to convince you that they have by sweet-talking you. And in the end they haven't changed a bit.
Could be he wants to change, but you stopped being friends for a reason. Don't get your hopes up. I think getting back in touch with him could be nice, but I also think you need to be wary that he will attempt to get into your pants again. He just broke up with someone and is feeling lonely. Take it slow if you want to be friends.
I say wait a bit with responding. Or just write messages on facebook without adding him as your friend, that way you can start getting in touch again without him knowing too much about you or where you live. Remember that giving him access to your facebook page often means he gets access to everything you've been up to the past decade. Snooping is a huge thing on facebook. Alternatively add him as a friend to a group with limited access to your profile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): He sent a lovely message. Don't forget he will now be 50, life has moved on for both of you. I would add him as a friend, but just as a friend. You don't have to spell it out, that might be a bit insulting, but by keeping things on a certain level it is possible to do. Then you could meet for lunch or coffee to catch up when you are in the same city.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (28 January 2011):
 I think he wants to be more than friends. You are now 30 and he is 50. That's a big age difference. However, if neither of you are married, or in a serious relationship, it won't hurt anyone. Just be prepared for when he comes on to you.
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