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*ustquestions
writes:I'm interested knowing what others think I should do here. My wife and I have been separated for 8 months now. For a year prior to the separation I tried to get her to go to a marriage counselor with me. She only went a couple times; I went regularly by myself and tried to get her to go too. I’ve continued to go by myself since our separation. We're in a long term marriage and gradually drifted apart over a period of many years. We each were basically leading our own lives in most ways and only talked about the children. We have two grown boys and a daughter who still has a year of high school to go. Our daughter entered a very rebellious period a few years ago and she put additional strain on our marriage. To make matters worse, my wife basically supported her over me and I felt pretty useless except for paying most of the bills. It got so that we barely talked to each other, we took separate vacations, I did all my own shopping and cooking and we went really nowhere as a couple. Finally, eight months ago after asking her many times to go to the counselor with me and after nearly a year of staying in a separate bedroom, I moved out. Even now I continue to pay all the major bills and we have gotten together regularly to "date". However, my wife still refused to see the marriage counselor. Now though, our daughter has had a complete change of heart and is the nice girl she was several years ago and is working to try to get my wife and I back together. Finally, my wife now says that she will meet with the marriage counselor and is planning to show up at places that I frequent so that we can be seen together. I don’t want this. Neither of us have had an affair. After so long apart though, I have begun talking with other women on a deeper level than I once did and am even thinking about dating again in the future. Where I live, you can file for an uncontested divorce after 1 year of separation. My question is whether I should even consider returning to the marriage at this point. I had begun to move on in my own mind and find myself being upset that she is now at the 11th hour after the prompting of our daughter making moves at reconciliation. Even while we have been "dating" we have still not been able to really communicate. It’s been so long since we’ve really talked about us that I cannot remember the last time that we did. We can have some fun together, which we weren't having before, but I do not know if I believe she genuinely wants to make the marriage better or if she is just afraid of getting divorced. She probably didn't think the separation would go on as long as it has, but frankly, I've found that I haven't really missed the home situation very much and am afraid of finding myself in the same situation again a few years down the road if I return. Comments?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): it seems reasonable to say "do what is good for you" especially after you have tried for so many years. and i certainly understand that you may be ready to start a different life without your wife. you have been a responsible father and provider for the family.but i guess i am advocating a second chance for the marriage here, just because we all do things that we ourselves don't even understand. we've all hurt people we love - sometimes it takes a day for us to realize it, sometimes many years. i am sure you love her a lot to have chosen her as your wife, and even though things may have gotten tough over the years, she is willing to try now. of course your happiness is important and i wouldn't recommend you to stay in a miserable marriage, but happiness wasn't the only (not even the important) component of the promise. just give it one more try, if you will. who is to say when is too late anyway - and especially since you're posting?i'm biased (who isn't anyway, haha) because i too am waiting for another chance. i know all too well how much it sucks to live a life with that huge void, that regret in you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): You are being so reasonable, offering olive branch after olive branch to your wife ... Interesting what you had to say about your parents' marriage - do you really want to repeat what your father did?
You have a right to have a happy life, there is nothing to say you must stay in a marriage if it brings you nothing but pain.
Do you still love your wife? Do you really believe she still loves you?
I hope you make the right decision for you and find peace.
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A
male
reader, justquestions +, writes (13 March 2011):
justquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the good comments. I'm especially interested in getting the opinion of women on this. I was afraid all I would hear was that I should return home right away and I'm still afraid that's what I'm going to hear from a lot of people in my own life, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. My wife relunctantly said she would contact the marriage counselor. I'm going to let her do that. If she goes by herself first, great. If she shows up at the next appointment I have scheduled, great. I've already e-mailed the counselor to tell him what is up so he's not surprised if she does call him. I also told my wife that if she wanted to find a totally new marriage counselor that we could both start with, I would also go. I don't think I should automatically move back right now and her attending the counseling sessions may just turn into the counselor telling her that it is probably too late and to prepare herself. Then again, I don't know. My daughter will actually leave the picture in a few months since she decided she would rather live with one of her brothers and his family in another state. So, she will be leaving which means my wife and I would be by ourselves in the house going our own separate ways to work and other things most of the time. Over 1.5 years ago at one of the marriage counselor sessions she attended, I said I was afraid of our marriage becoming like my parents' after I left home. They lived largely separate lives and I have since come to realize (they both passed away some years ago now) that my father was miserable but stayed for both financial reasons and out of a sense of obligation. I told my wife at that time that I was afraid of that happening to us and that I would try to stop it. I don't think she believed me though.
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A
male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (13 March 2011):
U wont find the right answer here. Its in u. Personally I say never follow ur heart because love is irrational. But im a kid (20). U kno and love this woman. If u believe she can change (and she CAN) then why not? Sometimes we need to lose somethimg in order to love it properly. But if its you doing all the work to reconcile like before, then it is better to move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): You are firmly wedged between a rock and a hard place. You are beginning to make a life for yourself, and good for you, why not? You have been gradually eased out of your marriage by your wife, and latterly your daughter.
Now your daughter has changed her mind and wants mum and dad back together. Sorry, but that's not how it works. She's not a baby and she will soon be leaving home, what happens then? Would your wife push you out the home again? What if your daughter changes her mind again? Would your wife push you out the home again? You seem to have a very passive role in the home, putting up with whatever your daugher and wife decide.
You can't live your life like a piece of flotsam bobbing around according to your daughter's whims (and, by the way, it seems to me she has an inordinate amount of influence in the family).
You are entitled to live and enjoy your life. You've done all the right things. Sorry to say it, but I think you would definitely live to regret going back.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 March 2011):
 I would not normally say 'don't try' to resurrect the marriage. I would always hope that hope still exists.But in this instance I think you have tried your best.Where is the recognition from your wife that she has not been supporting you for some time?Your daughter as a teen rebelled, your wife supported her daughter, not you. Now your daughter wants to get her parents together again, so her mother has agreed to support what her daughter wants again. So nothing has changed. The communication between you and your wife has still not really improved. So no resolution on that score.Your wife may not have thought the separation would go on for so long. But it did. You survived and have grown and coped.And you have continued to pay the major expenses.In one year when your daughter finishes high school there may be no dependant children left. And if you file for divorce, and a financial settlement occurs your wife will have to cope with change and cope without a spouse to support her from then onwards.And word of how well you are coping on the 'outside' of the marriage may also have reached the ears of your wife.It is likely that you have tried valiantly to talk to your wife, and made adjustments to make things bearable, but in the end it was too much, and you moved out.I am not sensing much effort on the part of your wife to contribute towards the marriage working.And i am sensing that if you do go back to the marriage, that your wife will give a big sigh of relief and that the marriage will return to exactly where it was before you let.On that basis I think moving on will benefit you most.You have attended counselling, she would not. Now finally at the 11th hour she will. Too little, too late.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 March 2011):
I seem to remember that you posted here some time ago when your wife wasn't receptive, and you were. Straight up, good job for not going back at the time and good job for standing up and doing your own thing. Takes guts, and there are a lot of people who may not have had that nerve. Looking at your current situation, I would say that it is worth giving this marriage one last shot now that your wife has seemingly become more receptive. The reasons are two fold:1 - After 8 months, there is a huge chance that she genuinely regrets having not tried to make the marriage work. Sometimes people need to see they've screwed up, and that takes time. Your wife may well have seen that she has screwed up and may well regret it. 2 - I think that if you don't, it may cause your daughter to blame herself which will cause her significant problems later on in life. I think she may have realized her behaviour was bad, and perhaps blames herself. There are ways you can do this, without really affecting your one year time limit. I would probably say the best thing you can do is continue to live apart, but attend the counselling. That way, if it doesn't work, you can still get that divorce. There are some signs here that show this could be fixed. I think it's worth one last shot. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you gave it everything and you can leave with a totally clear conscience. And if it does work out, maybe your marriage will be stronger than it was.
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