A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sheesh this is a long one, sorry!I was with this guy for almost 2 years. While it wasn't the best of relationships (it was rife with cheating and all sorts of lies and disrespect) he was my first pretty much everything and I really really liked him.About 9 months ago I moved to a new city for school. We had agreed to amicably end things when I moved away, but 3 days before the move we got into a big fight and ended up blocking each other everywhere. We had no form of contact for a month, and then I ran into him again and he apologized and we ended up having sex. Thus began a friends with benefits type situation, where I'd see him whenever I went back to my old city and we'd hang out and have sex. I was done with him emotionally- I had long accepted our "end"- so I didn't expect anything more from him.I went back to my old city to spend my winter holiday with friends, and we had made plans to spend time together- I was supposed to help him study for an exam among others. But after I arrived, I didn't hear from him at all. All my attempts to reach out were in vain, and when I did manage to get a hold of him whenever I asked when we were going to see his answer was always "next week". By Christmas I had finally had enough and I called him and confronted him about his frustrating behavior, and outright asked if we were ever going to see. After a long pause he finally replied "i don't think so". Apparently he was going through some things he just couldn't tell me about. Meanwhile, I had asked repeatedly before that if everything was fine with him and he'd always say "nothing is wrong but I can't see you this week". I was livid that he'd had no plans to see me all the while, and I had to force that answer out of him... so I told him if we weren't going to see then there was no point in us ever seeing each other or speaking ever again. And he said ok.It's been almost 7 months since then. We haven't interacted in any way. He has a girlfriend now, I think... one of the many girls he cheated on me with; the one he'd practically left me for. I saw him last month when I went back for my friends' graduation, and we were in the same room for about 4 hours not saying a word to each other.Today, I opened my Snapchat and saw he had sent me a video 2 weeks ago. I rarely use Snapchat and I don't get notifications from the app so I had no idea the video was sitting there all this while. Anyways, I played it and he said "I know you hate me right now and you don't want to see my face or hear my voice, but I've had a rough fucking night and I don't know what I'm doing... actually I do know, but fuck it.. message me or something" (almost verbatim). I actually burst out laughing because it was such a familiar script, but I felt for him a little.I replied him that I was just seeing his video and I know he sent it a while back but is he okay? and he replied later that he honestly can't remember what he sent but he had a really rough 2 weeks but he's doing better now. I replied "glad you're doing better" and he was like "me too". Later on he sent me another message asking how I was and how was my semester and generally trying to have a conversation like we were friends.To be honest I'm no longer angry at him and I'm over him. I miss his friendship sometimes, but I'm also conflicted in a sense. When I think back to our time together, I'm reminded of how disrespectful he was. Even before the initial big fight, before I moved away, I had written a letter detailing all our ups and downs (mostly downs) and concluded it with "you don't deserve my friendship" but then the fight happened and I never got to send it to him. I really don't think he deserves my friendship. But despite all that, I have (had?) a soft spot for him and I somehow always forget (forgot?) the negatives around him.So what do you think I should do, if he does continue trying to be "friendly"? Would you advice that I respond, or shut it down?Thank you for your time!
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cheated on me, christmas, friend with benefits, has a girlfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 OP, you win the Softy prize of the year :).
I understand and encourage being easy going and forgiving, and not wasting precious emotional energies into holding grudges over inconsequential stuff that belongs to the past anyway .... but there's a limit. There MUST be a limit !
Friendship is something serious and valuable, why would you have to waste it on a guy who is no " friend " of yours at all and always showed you the same consideration and respect he holds for, say, the dirt under his nails ?!
It's good of you not to have an overinflated ego- but NOT good having it so deflated that you would take any kind of
sh...oddy treatment from the first guy who walks down the street.
No no no- value yourself more, and don't waste time with timewasters. In fact, realize that it's not YOU who like him and forget the negatives - it's mostly your hormons :). Hormons can be very generous and forgiving, and easily forget all the negatives if the guy is cute enough. But this time.... maybe you've got to show your hormons who's the master :). No more soft spots- and no more contact at all. Just block him, delete him, and move on. For good, this time !
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2015):
 I'd would just /block/delete/remove/unfriend/discard any ways for him to contact you.
HE is NOT going to be a friend. Maybe one of those guys who occasionally wants a roll in the hay, so he is "friendly" with you. He KNOWS all your weak spots for him and HE will use them - JUST like he did with the snap-chat message. (it worked didn't it?)
I don't think he was ever as involved in your relationship as you were, hence the cheating and constantly looking for "greener grass". Now he is in a new relationship and wants to continue his behavior - except instead of being cheated ON, he wants you cheat WITH you. Don't stoop to that.
Let it go. Let him go. Why waste any more energy or time on that fella?
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 I know this may not be the usual advice given, but I really believe that you need to go through the ups and downs of this friendship until you realize deep down that you deserve to be loved by someone fully. The lesson you need to learn from this experience is about self-love. Look at yourself as you would a dear friend and tell yourself in what way you should be appreciated and loved in a relationship. Follow the advice you give yourself. You will know instinctively when you have learned the lesson, and then you will automatically let him go.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Wow.. this guy is a jerk! He was very comfortable having you as FWB and it just didn't get in the way of his 'other' life...
You have been played. Delete him, block him, ignore him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 June 2015):
 " Apparently he was going through some things he just couldn't tell me about. "
Yes... he "forgot" to tell you that he NOW HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND... who, apparently, is putting out for him (as you were)..... so you are now no longer needed.....
Wake up and move on....
Good luck...
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