A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in desperate need of advice. My boyfriend has been seperated and not living with his wife for five years, they have no kids. We have been dating for 3 and a half years. My boyfriend and his ex are friends and as a child of divorced parents that do not get along I would rather have them be friends. They dont spend time with one another its just an amicable situation. In any case. My boyfriend knows I have wanted them to finally get divorced. In March we went on vacation to Las Vegas and he promised when we got back that he would. His ex got sick. And two surgerys later she found out that she has ovarian cancer. I love the man, but I am at wits end. I feel bad for her I really do. He says that he cant say anything to her right and wants to make sure that shes ok. I dont know how to feel and I feel second best. I feel like hes ignoring how I feel. He says that we will be fine and that when he can he will divorce her. But this could go on forever. I just want the divorce over. Does anybody know how to handle this situation? Or have advice. We are both 40, so we are not kids. He has promised he would divorce her a couple times before but one time she was being tested for headaches. It just hurts. I dont want to leave I really do love him and if I stay it hurts because how much more time is going to go by. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Its hard to talk to him right now. I feel like I am asking a million questions because I dont know what I am up against.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): "She actually makes more money then him and owns her own house."
That leads to the possibility that she's been the one dragging her feet because she doesn't want to divide HER assets or pay HIM alimony. If so, then that's true gender equality in action.
Whatever either party's motivations, it would appear that they've decided it's to their mutual benefit to remain legally married for the foreseeable future and he's being disingenuous by leading you on to believe otherwise.
I can only assume he's not telling you the truth because he's afraid you'd dump him if he did, which makes sense given that it would be your most appropriate response under the circumstances.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2015):
 Is she getting her treatment for cancer covered through his policy?
It's not like this is a new discovery, you've known they are still married and it's been 3.5 years now.
If you want the divorce over, well, he's had a number of years to get that done, and obviously, it wasn't a priority.
Now that she's been diagnosed with a deadly cancer, I don't think it would be fair to her or her family for you to insist that he pull the health insurance rug from under her feet right at this moment. It'll just make you the bad guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo. shes not on his medical. She actually makes more money then him and owns her own house.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2015):
 You can ask, doesn't mean you will GET what you want. Know what I mean?
IF she is on his medical insurance a divorce might leave her in a place where she CAN'T afford treatment. I don't think someone like her husband could DO that to her.
You have to decide what is more important to you. Because HE has already chosen. And that is TO not get divorced any time soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut is it wrong to ask for divorce while she is going through cancer treatments? Should it make a difference?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2015):
Is she tied into his medical insurance? If she is that would make sense for them to NOT divorce while she is going through cancer treatments.
But I think it's a choice. HE is choosing to not divorce. MAYBE because if he stays legally married to HER, he doesn't HAVE to remarry you (or anyone else).
I think he should be more honest and just tell you, I'm not going to divorce her any time soon. UNLESS they stay married for medical insurance or retirement payments, there really is no reason NOT to get it done.
The more you push, the more he will resist. And this is exactly why I advice people to NOT date "separated" people. LEGALLY they are NOT single.
Now I understand there are times where people CHOOSE to stay married for benefits (like SVC mentioned) and I can't fault them for NOT wanting to be with someone else... BUT not divorcing is a choice.
IF you can not date a separated man (which I would find odd because you HAVE dating him for 3 1/2 years) - then you need to walk. If you expect him to divorce and marry you... I think he has other ideas.
I think your guy is simply CONTENT with status quo. He has an "almost" ex-wife and a GF. You have been with him for 3 1/2 years so what has changed now that it's become a deal breaker?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2015):
 When my first husband and I separated, we agreed not to divorce until we had been legally married for ten years so that I as a stay at home mom could eventually apply for his Social Security in case I didn't remarry later on. He agreed and that was three years....
we did have children however and life was amicable.
We separated in 1989 but the divorce was not final til nearly 1995 because once we got around to the three years life was moving on and we didn't want to bother. we knew we were never getting back together but neither of us had a pressing need to be divorced. We were living separately, I had even purchased a new home for myself and the kids.
We finally completed the divorce only because he needed it to remarry his girlfriend.
BTW you do not have to be married to be committed my stepmother has been with my dad for 20 years. since neither of them WANTED to get married it works great for them..for all intents and purposes they are married.
What do you anticipate changing in your life once his divorce is final?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (26 June 2015):
 He is stringing you along and uses any reason not to divorce. Refusal to divorce means that he still hopes to get back with her and would leave you in a heart beat, or perhaps keep you as a side kick, sort of a relief girl.
Don't waste time and give him a deadline - like a month - to file papers or you will be leaving him for good. Don't be concerned how he reacts emotionally to that but be mindful how he reacts physically, meaning will he get off his butt and file or will he not.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Hon, he has no intention of divorcing his wife to be with you. If he was truly into you and committed to spending the rest of his life with you he would have divorced her already.
He is sitting on the fence here, got you on one side and the wife on the other... You are currently plan A and if you dump him he will go to Plan B - which is his wife. He is comfortable with how things are, so why would he want to change them.
You need to make the decision, either you are his 'bit' on the side with absolutely no commitment at all from him - tell him either make a choice - divorce or loose me... I think that he will chose to loose you... Sorry!
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A
female
reader, Kendle  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 I don't understand his excuses for not divorcing her. if they have been separated for 5 years and presumably she knows about you then I rather doubt she would find the news that he wants to finalize their divorce so surprising or upsetting. Surely she would be expecting this and since they are not together anymore, wouldn't be hurt by this. It sounds to me like he is using this as an excuse because he doesn't want to admit his real reasons for not divorcing her... Perhaps because he likes having a reason why he can't marry you? I think this man may continue to cause you a lot more hurt in the future. Perhaps consider escaping now before you spend anymore of your life in such a limbo.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 June 2015):
 He has the perfect excuse for not marrying you (or, being any more-deeply "committed" to you) .... So what is HIS incentive to get divorced??? NONE!!!!
Decide if you wish to remain second-fiddle in his life.... which life does NOT include getting any more committed to you.... OR...
Convince yourself that you're content to be in this predicament for a long time...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): "I feel like I am asking a million questions because I dont know what I am up against."
Very simple. You're up against a guy who is never going to divorce his wife because in his mind whatever he stands to gain is not worth whatever he stands to lose, but meanwhile he has no qualms about stringing you along until you dump him and tell him to come back when the divorce is final.
Unfortunately that's the risk of getting involved with a married man, and any guy who remains undivorced is still married no matter how long he claims to have been separated.
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