A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ve worked for a company for five years and enjoy my job. however a female co worker who is at the same company as me, doesn’t like me and is doing everything she can to make feel miserable. she has also back stabbed me a few times and has even threatened me and used swear words, some of which I’ve found very upsetting. I don’t know what her issue is with me and why she is acting like this, and I know I haven’t done anything to upset her. she seems to be getting a kick out of it. it makes my time at work not very enjoyable and I want to quit my job because of her, to avoid seeing her ever again and feel the bullying will subside if I just leave and resign.want to confront her about why she didn’t like me, but I fear she will twist this and will say to management, I’m bullying her where as I’m not and trying to only find out why. I also suffer with depression and anxiety and something like like this for me, is hard to deal with. I feel if I speak to management they will just laugh in my face. what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): you did the right thing talking to management about the issue. bullies will always deny anything. she’s been told and knows what the consequences are if she carries on.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 January 2019):
 Why? The company knows about it now. I don’t think she would of freely admitted she had been harassing you would she? That would be ridiculously stupid on her part.
Just continue your job, remain professional and try to gather evidence of her behaviour. If you get anything then it will be investigated again. Until then what can they seriously do? They can’t fire her without any evidence.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2019): I had a meeting today with management about the bullying and was told by them the person has no issues with me. basically she lied to them about it and has got away with it. I’m really disappointed with the outcome and I just want to get as far away as possible from the company and resign.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2019):
 I hope you are not being serious : would you really leave a job which you enjoy ( and without having an equal or better one already lined up ) just because of one person who is misbehaving ?! You are having problems with this one person who does not like you - well, what about the other 10 or 20 or whichever number of people who work there too,and instead like you or, at least, let you do your job in peace without giving you a hard time ? You can't be liked by all the people all the time ;and who tells you that in a new workplace you would not make another
" enemy "- or two more, three more etc. ?
Now, I realize that often ONE person is all it takes to make us miserable, but, since you mention your depression and anxiety, I have to wonder if you are not letting them take over in your work life and make you see things in a gloomier way than they are , or could be. It does not quite sound like you are in some hostile work environment, you have only met ONE dickhead and maybe you are not handling her properly. People can only bully you if you let them
( unless there's physical force or danger of physical harm involved ) and it is your responsibility to set boundaries and make sure that people do not overstep them.It's also your responsibility to keep things in proportion and evaluate if things really got so bad to the point of hinder your work performance and emotional wellbeing, or if your own mental issues are colouring what's going on with a darker hue that it should be.
Of course, I know that some workplaces CAN be intolerable snake pits . Some years ago I developped a nervous stammer because of a tense , anxiety inducing work situation- and I am no shrinking violet, believe me. The stammer instantly disappeared when I changed job. I am telling you this to show you that I am not dismissing your concerns and not implying that " it's all in your head ": BUT - working in an office ( or a factory, or a school etc.etc. ) expose you to a sort of communal living where you are always, or often, cheek to jowl with other people ,people that may not have your same degree of sensitivity, your background, your social dealbreakers- yet you have to find a way to get along somehow . You can't take everything too personally or be too persnickety about anything that's being said or done. Like, you mention " swear words ", but it is quite different if it is a personal, malicious , intentional insult, or if your colleague says " Hey that's MY stapler ! What the f..k are you doing with it ? "
You mention " backstabbing ". Again, one thing is if you caught her actively plotting to get you fired or passed over for a promotion- and another if she comments " Mike is 10 minutes late… as usual " or " Gee, I don't know how Mike can find stuff on that messy desk of his ". That would be a bit bitchy, OK- but it's quite par for the course in a situation where you are forced to spend time with people whom you would not voluntarily choose as your associates.
Moral: don't sweat the small stuff, and learn to grow a thicker skin , unless we are really talking about major, major issues.
I find a bit peculiar that you don't want to report to management because you are afraid that SHE will say you are bullying her. How would she support her claim, if you are NOT bullying her, and never did anything wrong to her, and are always nothing but respectful and cooperative ? what witnesses, among your colleagues, could she come up with, if you never yelled at her or called her names etc… ?
That makes me sort of feel that there is more to the story… Not that it is your fault, or that you did something to her first,... but that all this animosity wasn't just born in a vacuum and that at some point you two got on the wrong foot, and there has been some misunderstanding, some small conflict which then excalated quickly… I don't know about you, but, as for me, if a person whom I never did anything to ,and always treated with respect and courtesy, started suddenly mistreating me for no apparent reason at all- well, I'd be,most of all, CURIOUS ! to find out why, and I would ask her what's this all about and what's her beef… Aren't you curious at all ?
Anyway, if you feel that you are unable to simply ignore her and keep doing your job until she gets tired of harassing you because of your lack of response, - or even better , maybe, by handling this laughing in her face , or sending her to F....off as Chigirl suggests….by all mean report her to your management. Why should they laugh at you ? that's not their job, to laugh at the personnel's concerns, and that's not what they do ; every complaint is investigated and looked into,( not so much out of human sympathy, I guess ,but in order to avoid possibly being sued in future ) They may not see the situation as dramatic and damaging as you see it, - that's a possibility , particularly if you can't show written or recorded proof of verbal aggression, or eyewitness of episodes of bullying you- but they can still intervene to defuse the situation, by having a talk with her, or the both of you, or by moving her or you to other tasks, or simply by advising you about the best way to handle this problem and minimize it, if not solve it.
Then again, if you see that management is not addressing your issue in a way that is effective, and satisfactory to you, THEN you may want to consider resigning. But not a minute before.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 January 2019):
 Management will not laugh in your face. You need to talk to management and let them confront her with her bullying. You should not have to confront her. Some people are just cruel. Im sure you havent done anything wrong, she is just a wicked person. Some are. If you dont want to talk to management, write down all the things she says to you and does to you with dates. That way it will be easier to decide how to manage your situation.
At least if you want to quit, talk to management first. And if they indeed do laugh, then quit the job. Nothing to lose!
Or tell her to fuck off next time. Just the look on her face might be worth it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 January 2019):
I wouldn’t leave a job that I enjoy because some lowlife tries to make it hard for me, no chance. It’s hard to find a job that you don’t mind going into every day so I wouldn’t be letting someone ruin it for me.
I’d be making a note of every time she does something that would be against the companies code of conduct and any time you KNOW 100% you will be entering a situation where she will be there and likely to harass you I would be hiding my phone in my pocket whilst it’s recording to get some evidence. That can’t be disputed by a reviewing team.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): Typo corrections:
"This is a matter to be resolved through your immediate supervisor and Human Resources."
"It might be a good idea to start job-hunting; if you would consider giving-up your job of five-years."
Male-employees are often hesitant to report female-employees; because they don't want to look wimpy. They don't mind reporting you, if they think you're out of line!
They don't get a pass because they're female! If you've lasted five years without incident; there is no reason you wouldn't be believed. You are apparently valued as an employee; and you should be able to work without unnecessary interruptions and nonsense.
Don't let people push you around, or intimidate you out of a job. Sometimes you have to stand-up for yourself. You don't have to confront her on the spot; you can go through the proper channels. Starting with your supervisor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): This is a matter to resolved through your immediate supervisor and Human Resources. I would recommend that you consult with your manager first; and explain the events. Keep record of times, dates, and whomever was present at the time of any particular incident. Recording the comments is a great idea. Then she can't deny the facts.
Do not resign unless your employer fails to address the matter.
No, she can't just turn it around; if you report her first. You don't have to work in a hostile or humiliating work environment. People don't have to have an issue with you; they just have to be mean and have a bullying personality.
You're an easy target; because she senses your timidness.
If you blush or get flustered.
She's not present to tell her side of the issue. If you're highly-sensitive, and she has a reputation as a jokester who likes to tease and kid around. Maybe it wouldn't be fair to jeopardize her job without speaking to your immediate supervisor first. It may not warrant taking it to Human Resources. That is, unless it is sexual in nature; or you are receiving threatening, or very personal attacks.
Some people are too playful; and don't know how to be professional at work. A good talking-to by management will often solve the problem. If you're serious and don't have much of a sense of humor; teasing might be offensive to you.
When she is on the attack, it's best to ignore her. Show no emotion, or shake your head as if she's just being silly. Do not even bother to say anything to her. If it continues, report it. It might be a good idea to start job-hunting; if you would consider giveing-up your job of five-years. Maybe it's time for a change.
Remember you have some seniority on your side. Your employer knows you; and your conduct around your co-workers. They would not dismiss your complaints; unless everybody knows her to be playful, and you're extraordinarily sensitive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): Never shrink to make somebody bigger ( Bullies) and never quit because of bullies, only finish if you want to move onwards and upwards.
Report the bullying and have the courage of your convictions, you don't deserve to be treated unfairly and who cares if she dislikes more. Be confident and remember you do not have to take on board her bad character and believe her trash. Be true to yourself, confident, and go and earn your living, smile laugh and make new friends. If people don't like you, then they are no loss to you...but the loss of 'you' into a cycle of bullying is far more important. Report her and feel good that you are putting an end to been bullied.If you are laughed at, ask to take it higher and show them nobody can mess about with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 January 2019):
 I would tell the manager. I get that you worry about being laughed at but I don't think you will and even if you do, I think it's a risk I'd be willing to take. My guess is, YOU are not the only coworker she has treated like this.
As to trying to figure out why, I wouldn't waste my time. She is doing it because she can and because she isn't a nice person. Decent people don't bully others.
I certainly wouldn't quit a job over a bully - at least NOT UNLESS I had another job lined up.
So in short, I would talk to the manager, IGNORE HER and look for a job elsewhere just in case. I would also consider using my cell phone to tape her when she starts being a cow to you. (if possible and NOT so she can see it).
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