A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost four years, and he has worked out of town (his cousin owns a construction company) off and on throughout that time; whenever he did, he was gone during the week and home every weekend. It sucked, but it was doable, especially because for the first two years of our dating relationship, we only got to see each other on weekends, and he spent the other two years before the wedding working graveyard shifts, so we still didn't get huge amounts of time together.Back in late September, we found out that we are expecting our first child (an unplanned blessing since we had said no kids for 2-3 more years, lol). He was still working about three hours away from home at the time, but started driving home every night after we found out about the baby (I never asked why, I just basked in how awesome it was to have him home, lol). Fast forward to now, and his cousin is shutting down the business. Work just got too hard to come by, and they've been totally out of work for the past two weeks now. My husband, his cousin, and two of the other guys from the company are now going to work shutdowns; their first hitch starts next month and is only about a three hour drive away from home, so it's not going to be too terribly hard for me to go visit on the weekends. The hitch is also expected to end before our daughter is born.Right now, it doesn't seem like a huge deal, but there's no guarantee that the next hitch (or the hitch after that, and so on) will be so close to home. He could be sent back to somewhere in Louisiana, or he could be sent across the country. He'll get one day off every two weeks, but because he'll be working 12-hour day shifts, him driving home on that day off is out of the question, regardless of how close to home he is. My main worry is that our little girl isn't going to have the chance to really know her daddy. He seems to think it'll all be fine, and he does plan on coming home once we're financially stable and have some money saved up to live on while he looks for another job, but all I can think about is everything that he's going to miss between now and then. I just don't see how you can bond with a child when you're barely ever around them. I have also pointed out to him that I will basically be a single mom, to which he got offended and said isn't true, because "he'll still be helping me." He's fixated on the fact that whenever he does have time off between hitches, we'll be able to afford to actually go out and do stuff with her and be a family then, but honestly, I would rather spend the rest of our lives struggling and doing nothing but sitting at home. I guess my biggest issue is that I never had to deal with my dad being gone when I was growing up (he had to go away one weekend every year for training, but that was it) and can't fathom how a child could ever adjust to that. Neither one of us came from money, but honestly, I wouldn't have had my life any other way. Yes, I remember how hard it was sometimes, but looking back, I also honestly can't think of one thing that I wanted or needed that my parents didn't find a way to get, even in spite of us having financial struggles. We were a family and learned to do the best we could with what we had, and I wouldn't trade any part of that. Meanwhile, my husband is fixated on the money struggles part of it and keeps saying that he wants to keep our daughter from having to experience that.To any ladies who are in similar situations...how do you handle this? How do you make sure your child knows that Daddy loves him/her even though he's never around? How has your husband managed to bond with them, and how do you handle basically being a single mom?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2019): Move to where his job is and then he can be home and involved in your child's life everyday.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 January 2019):
 I know the feeling, OP
My husband served in the Army for the first 15 years of our marriage (retired 6 years ago). So he was GONE a lot. Communications could be dodgy, work hours vary etc. etc.
So, yes, it did feel like I was a single mom of 3 kids at times. When he wasn't away at schools, training or deployments he often worked from 4 am - 7 pm. Which meant the kids RARELY saw him for more than an hour or two.
What we DID do, was spend time WHEN he had time off, as a family. Like a day at the park, going to the beach, spend it with friends. So the kids grew up with SOME memories of a "family-life".
When he was home - he would be the one to tuck them in and read the good night story.
When he was deployed/gone for work it was mostly ALL on me. We did buy one of those books where you can "record your voice books for children" - they EACH had one he had done. The kids and I would make care packages for him when he was overseas.
What I found helped me was the various mommy groups - though some had the downside of just being too much drama. I also made a couple of REALLY good friend, two with kids (same age as mine) and a couple without kids.
Structure, also helps. That means PLAN your week. Make a schedule.
With tech these days it is MUCH easier to keep communications open. Though I think people tend to overdo the whole CONSTANT contact. Like, when a person is a work, THAT is what they need to be focused on. WORK. Not texting random crap.
This is a time where you (hopefully) LEARN to become VERY independent and that isn't a bad thing.
Children adapt much easier than adults. Which can be a VERY useful tool later in life.
You and your husband need to find a BALANCE to make it work.
At some point your kids will be off to school and then YOU can take on a part-time job which MIGHT enable HIM to cut his hours or look for something closer to home.
WORK with WHAT you got. MAKE it work. It can be done, millions of people have done it before you, and millions will AFTER you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 January 2019):
 There are growing numbers of families where one parent works away regularly. Though usually working in the resource sector, other sectors that often require onsite workers include: the defence forces, transport, maritime, small business, corporate, and sales and service industries.
All families with a parent who works away face unique challenges and opportunities.
Use technology, Daddy can read the baby a bedtime story every night (its never too early to start this) via facetime or other video app.
Find support, see if there are other families in the same situation in your area, arrange a regular get together, once a week or month. , just knowing there are others in the same situation can ease some of the stress. There are also a number of online communities, including on facebook, search for FIFO (fly in fly out), and try a few groups to see which one is the best fit for you.
Research family services available in your neighbourhood, play group or story time at the library. Sometimes there are Mum's walking groups, where everybody meets up with babies in their pushchairs and go for a walk together, a great way to socialise and get fit at the same time, these walks often end up at a coffee shop or other venue.
Investigate what might be available for you to fill in some of the hours while your husband is away, start a vegetable garden or take some online courses. Get in touch with your creative side and start a hobby, painting or knitting or writing poetry. Up cycle old furniture. Research online for the latest trends …..
There is no denying there will be some lonely times for you both, but with regular contact and lots of communication it can work.
PS. I have many family members living the FIFO lifestyle, I've noticed those who regularly post pics of kids doing regular for their partners like lost teeth and bloody knees from falling off bikes, with the Dads being very hands on when they are home seem to be very successful.
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